Ideally, a break-up is as easy as two people sitting down for a coffee, saying their parting words, having a quick weep, hugging and then going their separate ways.

There are a million nuanced ways that a break-up can go badly, but one of the less discussed perspectives is that of the person who messed things up.

If you’ve ever observed a couple tragically and/or spectacularly ending things up close, you would know break-ups affect more than just the people in the relationship. From friends to whānau to pets to parents, every relationship has its areas of overlap (and if there’s no overlap at all, you might have <a href="https://www.vice.com/en/article/qjv8j7/how-to-know-when-youre-just-being-led-on" target="_blank">another problem</a> on your hands). Mates are mates for a reason and likely share a lot of common ground, so it’s not shocking that plenty of social circles end up containing couples. Even when the relationship is happy and healthy, it still takes a lot of navigating as everyone else is unintentionally involved: Will it be weird to hang out as a group of three? Can you call someone your best friend if they’re another friend's partner? There’s plenty to adjust to. But if the relationship sours, it’s a whole different kettle of cold, dead fish. Friends-to-lovers is all fun and games until they’re bitching about each other to you and both think you’ll back them up. The pressure is on when your birthday’s coming up and you’re expected to choose between who to invite. And what are you supposed to do if one ex tells you something genuinely concerning about the other?  Being close to both people is gonna be harder than being close with only one person — or passively being friends from afar — but even at a reasonable distance you can find yourself in some pretty uncomfortable situations. So what do you do when you’re caught in the middle of two friends breaking up?  <h2>Gauge their vibe.</h2> Before you make a call on your own, find out how the exes are handling the break-up. If they’re doing their best to stay friends and not impact others, you could be in the clear. But if they’re suddenly mortal enemies your collective relationship is about to become a lot more complicated.  Worst case scenario – If one person has seriously harmed the other, such as sharing revenge porn or any form of physical or sexual violence, it’s incredibly important to be there for the person harmed and not leave them feeling like no one believes them or takes their experiences seriously.  It’s good to understand both people's sides and be open to the possibility that people you love might have done some pretty shitty (and sometimes very serious) things to each other. As a friend, you’re in a great position to both support and hold each person accountable. <h2>Check your loyalties.  </h2> First, whether you’re an official third wheel or a bystander in the same social circle, you should figure out if you want to be friends with both people. Being close to both may be tricky to navigate, but if the relationship didn’t cause major harm to either player then you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own friendships at someone else's behest.  Maybe what’s most important to you is to stand by the friend you’re closest to, and that’s okay. Put your focus on supporting them, and not tearing down the other person. As their friend, you don’t have to fight their battles.  In some ways it’s easier if you’re much closer with one person, but even in this situation, you might find yourself having sympathies for the person you’re less close to. Especially if your best friend was in the wrong in the break-up.  Loyalty doesn’t have to mean picking sides. You can be totally mutual and choose to keep out of the drama as much as possible. And if that's the case, be clear with your friends that you don’t want to be involved in any nasty back and forth.  <h2>Keep an open mind.</h2> Sometimes, your friends treat each other badly in relationships. It’s uncomfortable, but there is a way to deal with it without furthering the hurt. Listen to what they have to say, don’t add your personal insights or overshare information from the other person's side, and let them know that you’re hearing them and are there to care for them – even if talking about the break-up in the future can’t be part of that care. On the flip side, be open to the fact that both people will probably see the break-up differently and might even twist the truth a bit – which is not always intentional. Heightened emotions can lead people to exaggerate, misremember details and embellish. This happens in most break-ups, whether we see it in our own behaviour or not. Keeping an open mind to the fact that no one is gonna be telling the story 100% straight is a good way of keeping yourself somewhat objective.   <h2>Be clear with them both. </h2> You might prefer to skip over the in-depth conversations if you’re not that close to either person and just let things unfold, but if your relationships are closer and more complex it’s a good idea to let your friends know where you stand. This might mean telling both of them that you’re neutral in the break-up and don’t want to be spoken to about the other person. This might mean telling one friend that you’ll be seeing them less as you’re closer to the other person and want to honour their feelings. Maybe, when they were together, you would only hang out with them at the same time, and you need to let one of them know you’ll continue to hang out with the other friend on your own. It’s not a necessity, but the point is simply not to leave people in the dark, confused about where your individual relationships stand. <h2>Evaluate how the break-up changes each relationship. </h2> Maybe nothing will change, but it’s unlikely. Just be cautious of how the way you interact with each person can totally transform in meaning after they break-up. It might’ve been a comfortable thing for you to kiss your friends when you all got sauced and silly together, but your mate probably won’t want you kissing their ex, even though they’re still your friend. The same goes for sharing beds. What was once okay might have a different colour to it now.  Just be considerate of how much someone’s mindset around intimacy and affection, even when it’s platonic, can be affected by a break-up.  <h2>Don’t gossip about them.</h2> We’ll make this one short and quick – don’t let the break-up dominate the conversations when they’re not around. It’s cruel and you’d hate it if you found out everyone was talking about you.  Bonus points: don’t complain to them about how shit their break-up is for everybody else, unless you’re actually doing it to help solve the problem and not just to make them feel bad.  No one wants to go through a break-up and no one wants to drag their friends through the mud in the process. The new exes are likely to both feel responsible for the state of the friend group, so don’t make it worse for them by whining about the way things have changed.  <h2>Put yourself in their shoes. </h2> It’s really important to remind yourself that they are going through the break-up. It might be awkward for you, but it’s unlikely to be anywhere near as bad as it is for them.  Put yourself in their shoes. When you’re trying to determine what is and isn’t appropriate, give some thought to how you would feel or react if you were in their position. And be realistic. It’s easy to brush something off when you’re not the one going through it and say you wouldn’t care, but it’s rarely true in practice.  Ultimately, treat the situation itself kindly and with empathy. What else are friends for? <hr>   Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development. LoveBetter Youthline support channels: Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234 <a href="https://check.areyouok.org.nz/" target="_blank">https://check.areyouok.org.nz/</a> Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on<a href="https://www.youtube.com/@girlonfilm4551" target="_blank"> Youtube</a>.

vice

Love Better

How to Handle Two of Your Friends Breaking-Up 

Break-Ups

BREAK UP

relationship

Dating

Advice

When you&#x2019;ve been the &#x201c;bad guy&#x201d; in a relationship, you can be left dealing with the guilt, shame and regret of hurting someone. It might take a long time to even admit that you&#x2019;ve done anything wrong, or treated someone poorly. Or maybe, in situations like cheating, it&#x2019;s painfully obvious that you&#x2019;re in the wrong. All in all, it&#x2019;s an emotionally complex situation to be in &#x2013; if you&#x2019;re willing to face up to your actions.

The image of High School Musical alum Ashley Tisdale, clad in skinny scarf, skirt over jeans and boho bag, was once considered to be the height of cringe. It’s an image that has been laughed at by every fashion publication and Instagram meme account for the last decade. But now the 2000s Disney kid look is mirrored by 13 to 30 year olds worldover, give or take a few colour palette alterations. Now, there is no such thing as a “jort”, you’re just wearing some dope shorts. Thin rimmed, geek-chic glasses grace the faces of Gabriette and Bella Hadid and no one blinks. These trends aren’t just reflected in the fashionable elite or the counterculture. It’s not out there or ahead of the curve. And now that Y2K has saturated For You Pages and suburban streets alike, it’s already on its way out. So what will replace the spaghetti straps, cargo pants and bejewelled accessories? A classic theory – the 20 year cycle – would suggest trends are broadly repeated every two decades. According to it, we should still be ten years away from repeating the trends of the 2010s. But here they are anyway. Spring Summer 2024 Fashion Weeks, from Paris to New York, featured parades of models in <a href="https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/street-style-peplum-trend" target="_blank">peplum tops</a> and <a href="https://www.voguescandinavia.com/articles/the-6-most-persistent-trends-of-paris-fashion-week-ss24" target="_blank">short-shorts</a> – found in almost every wardrobe from 2011-2014. From the established to the newly beloved, brands like Valentino, Aitor Rosas Sune, Marni, Richard Quinn, Tove, and Huishan Zhang sent items down their runways that epitomised the “uncool” only years ago. Almost as soon as they left and became widely considered out, they’re back. Jeffrey Campbell, of the highly-recognisable spiked ankle boot, has maintained an acceptable social status by adapting their designs to modern tastes – and with this relevance we can expect to see the shoe that defined fashion for a short time re-enter the zeitgeist. Galaxy prints and fedoras are no doubt soon to follow. We’ve always known, in some ways, that the cycle would bring our nightmares back to life,  but it’s finally being proven in real time for a new generation of fashion. People in their 20s are seeing a cycle complete for the first time, and at a rapidly increased rate. Look at <a href="https://www.wmagazine.com/gallery/paris-fashion-week-fall-2014" target="_blank">runways</a> <a href="https://www.wmagazine.com/gallery/new-york-fashion-week-spring-2014" target="_blank">from</a> <a href="https://www.vogue.com/fashion-shows/spring-2014-ready-to-wear" target="_blank">2014</a> and you’ll see (surprise, surprise) peplums, midi skirts and creepers crop up across the board. But jump <a href="https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/fashion-week-fall-2004/" target="_blank">further</a>, <a href="https://www.vogue.com/fashion-shows/spring-2004-ready-to-wear" target="_blank">to 2004,</a> and you’ll see a very different selection of pencil skirts, tailored jackets, silks and satins. While fashion week is always varied, there is little in common between the runway presentation of 2014 and 2004. This is what you’d expect when only 10 – rather than 20 – years of the cycle have passed. So what caused the jump ahead, and how did we end up on the pleather heels of 2013 rather than 2003? Until the mid 20th century, the four seasons of clothing dictated the mass production of fashion. It was logical and obvious: a reflection of both the weather and the time it took for designers to develop a new collection. But in the name of delicious and lucrative consumption the fashion industry has replaced this with the 52-season fashion cycle. Reporting every quarter is for finance bros and venture capital scumbags, anyway. Fashion, it seems, is changing every year, every month, every week, and every day. The constant changes and barrage of new fashion has pervaded stores for <a href="https://thetechfashionista.com/fashion-seasons-explained/" target="_blank">decades now</a>, and we’ve become accustomed to a new season stocked on shelves every seven days. And we haven’t even gotten started on elitism in fashion. New trends come around as the elite seek to separate themselves from the norm, and if no one is wearing neon anymore, neon is a surefire way to stand out. Depending on who you are, these decisions can make you seem cutting edge or entirely out of touch. Nowadays, clothing and accessories seen on runways can be mass produced by the companies like Shein and Pretty Little Thing in weeks. In a matter of days following the debut of a new Look™ from Julia Fox, anyone could be wearing it. How do you counter something like that? By moving quickly – and the wealthy and the fashionable are happy to play ball and keep themselves one step ahead. Social media has also condensed the trend cycle, creating microtrends – like fluffy bucket hats, chequered trousers, and the House of Sunny Hockney dress. These pieces were rampant on TikTok during the pandemic and showed how quickly a trend could be beloved and discarded en masse. We were all over each other, seeing everything, becoming obsessed and then bored just as quickly. Online shopping, now far evolved beyond just Amazon and ASOS, has allowed us to have everything we coveted. Suddenly, that made owning it all a lot less fun. Of course there have always been differences in what people find to be stylish. In the past, the generation you were born into would play a pretty big role in separating your style from those above and below you in age. But in less than a single generation there are now 25 year olds in skinny jeans unable to let their fitted form go, 22 year olds saying they’d never be caught dead in them and 17 year olds wearing them for the first time and feeling their fantasy. So are skinny jeans on trend? With the 20 year cycle slipping from view, we’re left with a far less defined public opinion on what is or isn’t acceptable. The future, though, is not a trend-less world. The industry still dictates what is available and will continue to push trends to get us to part with our cold hard cash. There will always be people that didn’t care to start with, but the Andy Sachs of this world are as affected by fashion ideology as everyone else. Trends are dictated by industry professionals long before they ever reach us and travel from runways to ready-to-wear to instagram reels and into the hands of hapless consumers. Ultimately, people will always buy what’s stacked on the shelves. Trends still exist, but the waves have become so close together they meet end-to-end. Therein lies the ugly truth: we’re dawning on a time where those of us who were convinced we’d never wear mullet skirts again, whether we realise we’re conscious of “style” or the trend cycle or not, are faced with the fact that we were wrong. Objectivity in fashion is a myth – albeit something we cling to as we seek to define ourselves –  and the peplum tops soon to be lining the shelves at Glassons are ready to prove it. Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@girlonfilm4551" target="_blank">Youtube</a>.

Fashion

We’re Powerless to Trends and Peplum Tops Prove It 

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style

Clothes

consumption

NEW ZEALAND

FASHION WEEK

One way to get into the headspace of exploring your own actions is by hearing other people do the same. And where do you find people endlessly divulging their personal sorrows? Music.

So if you&#x2019;re seeking some solid tunes to get you through your break-up, we&#x2019;ve put together a selection of break-up songs from the perspective of the person who got it wrong.

Love Better: Break-Ups Songs To Listen To if You Were The Bad Guy · Playlist · 23 songs · 2 likes

Love Better: Break-Ups Songs To Listen To if You Were The Bad Guy

_Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development._

**LoveBetter Youthline support channels:**

**Or** **rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234**

**[https://check.areyouok.org.nz/](https://check.areyouok.org.nz/)**

_Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on [Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/@girlonfilm4551)._

Break-Up Songs To Listen To if You Were The Bad Guy

How to Handle Two of Your Friends Breaking-Up

We’re Powerless to Trends and Peplum Tops Prove It

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