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The VICE Guide to Girls

It's fun to be a girl. We get to giggle and cry and throw hissy fits and keep diaries and bleed out of our vaginas and care about stuff and we don't have to feel like a fag about it. We even get to vote, hooray! Sometimes we forget to though. Sorry...

Illustration by Christy Karacas

It’s fun to be a girl. We get to giggle and cry and throw hissy fits and keep diaries and bleed out of our vaginas and care about stuff and we don’t have to feel like a fag about it. We even get to vote, hooray! Sometimes we forget to though. Sorry, Susan B. Anthony!

Now before you go calling us dumb sluts (we know you love to do that), you should know that we also understand the problems with making essentialist assumptions about gender. We know that biology doesn’t dictate who we are (society does!). We went to liberal arts colleges, thanks. So if you’re a girl and you love fixing cars and playing football, that’s aces. We can do whatever we wanna do, right ladies? And right now we wanna give you an A-to-Z list of some of the things we love (and hate) about being a girl. Girl Power! (Just kidding.)


Guys think we’re attracted to assholes because that’s their only defense for when we dump them. When girls are rejected we turn it inward and blame ourselves for not being prettier. That’s our bad, we know. But when dudes are rejected they makes grand statements like, “Women love guys that are assholes, they don’t care about us nice guys!” And then that grand statement spreads like the wave at a Yankees game and next thing you know it’s written in fucking stone because dudes are able to write stuff in stone! Yes, they have that much power. We don’t want you to push our heads down to your crotch area when you want a blowjob, but we also don’t want you to cry and write shitty emo poetry and paint our portrait in pastels. It’s just that there’s only a teeny wading pool in between the lake of total assholes and the bay of fucking pussies, so sometimes when we’re horny we’ll take what we can get. Ultimately we all want the same things: Good sex ’n’ giggles. So learn how to eat pussy and start memorizing lines from Will Ferrell comedies like your sex life depends on it. Because it does. Honorable mentions: Apple (the one that Eve ate), Andie from Pretty in Pink, Ally Sheedy LAHNIK, MANOLO
What’s the big whoop with these things? We’ve never been able to justify spending half our rent on a pair of shoes so we have no idea and guess what? We don’t care. Have you ever seen a foot come out of a high heel after several hours of wear? Not a pretty sight, no matter how expensive the shoe. It’s like you crammed five sweaty, naked, fat people into a phone booth. They are red, puffy, and pissed off. Don’t get us wrong, we like heels. Dress-up is fun. But we also like not having bunions and toes that will eventually look like Teen Wolf’s fingers. So save the heels for museum galas and dancing naked for your boyfriend and rethink the penny loafer. They’re sexier than you think! Honorable mentions: Babies, birth-control pills, brides, biological determinism, Betty & Veronica, baking, Bring It On



In case you’ve been living on Lord of the Flies island, “Chick Lit” is book-speak for literature written by women, for women who act like girls. We try to love it but we don’t. Why? Because it’s usually written about normal girls who have normal jobs and try to get ahead in their boring, normal careers and we can’t understand why. They are filled with clichés and have stolen our lingo, like “totes” and, even more embarrassing, ancient terms like “hottie” (so ’96). Sometimes these books are about rich women who have nannies, and then maybe their nannies keep a diary and we’re supposed to care about that too. This just in: We don’t!

Honorable mentions: Cats, crafternoons, caring, cliques, Cookie Mueller, C.B. Barnes


We know it’s a cliché but goddammit, it just tastes better than regular soda. We swear. Isn’t it lame how Pepsi made Pepsi One to trick macho dudes into drinking diet soda? Seriously, whose manhood is threatened by diet soda? Probably someone with a very tiny manhood. Ha ha ha! (Small-dick jokes. Classic.)

Honorable mentions: Dildos, Darlene from



Fun-fact time! Here are some statistics culled from The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 pounds. Eighty percent of American women claim to be dissatisfied with their physical appearance and ten million women in the US have a full-on eating disorder. Depressed yet? Here, have some ice cream, it’ll make you feel better.


But come on, do you really want to let TV and fashion magazines tell you that you’re fat and worthless? You’re smarter than that. If you act like you’re awesome, people will think that you’re awesome. And if you have to, fake it. Fake it till it’s not fake anymore.

Honorable mentions: Emma Goldman, estrogen, Eileen Myles, essentialism vs. constructivism


This machine, aka the Cadillac of vibrators, is the answer to your orgasm prayers. If you don’t have one, buy one. Now. And stop writing to


about how to achieve an orgasm through intercourse because who are you kidding? Clits need vibes like diamond rings need fingers.

Honorable mentions: H&M,


, Helen Love, horses,

Hothead Paisan


The delicate twirling. The death-defying leaps. The sparkly outfits. Pitting preteen girls against each other and making them cry. Ice skating is as girly as it gets. It’s the only Olympic event we really care about. Well, and gymnastics, which is basically ice skating without the ice. Oh, and men’s swimming, which is just sexy.

Honorable mentions: Intimacy,

I’m With The Band

by Pamela Des Barres


Dear Jesus,

Thank you for giving us Jenny Lewis. She sings real purdy and has nice hair.



Honorable mentions: Judy Blume, Jerri Blank, Joni Mitchell, jumping up and down when we’re happy


Dear Satan,

Thank you for giving us Kathleen Hanna. She doesn’t care what you think, and we don’t either.




Honorable mentions: Knick-knacks, Kate Bush, Kimya Dawson, Kim Kelly from

Freaks and Geeks


If you went to a liberal arts college you already know that LUG stands for Lesbian Until Graduation. Real lesbians get annoyed that straight girls experiment with lesbianism in college just to hopefully scare their parents when they mention it at Thanksgiving. And we can’t really blame the lesbos—LUGs are the leading number-one cause of lesbian heartbreak in America. Every dyke we know has been used then chucked by at least one “bi-curious” girl.

Honorable mentions: Lita Ford, Lynda Barry, leotards,

Little Darlings, Ladies and Gentlemen


The Fabulous Stains

, Laurie Alpert (author of

Growing Up Underground

—read it)



“I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you.” And there you have the best line from the best movie about teenage girls to come out since John Hughes dumped Molly for Macaulay (bad move, man). You would think that by starring in a movie about exactly how not to be a stupid teenage bitch, Lindsay Lohan would have learned a thing or two. Oh well. Tina Fey is the real hero of this one. We watch the DVD over and over and wish that we were the ones to have written the screenplay.

Honorable mentions: Maternal instincts, Mama Cass, Margaret Cho, Mo’Nique, Maureen Dowd, marriage, manipulating, martyrdom, Miss Hannigan


Everyone loves boobs. Boobs are the best. Except for our own. They’re way too small/big/pointy/droopy/lopsided/whatever. Girls never ever like their boobs. It’s like a curse. But here’s the thing to consider: Real men love real boobs. We mean, real ones—squishy tits that flop over when you lie on your back. No one likes hard, fake boob jobs except for porn fetishists and hair-gel frat jocks and do you really want those creeps touching your special areas anyway?


Honorable mentions: Nancy Drew, Nikki Corvette, Nomi Malone, not wanting to have butt sex


OMG, can you believe that girls invented slang and no one gives us props for it? In fact, we totally invented the following things: Saying “like” every two seconds, reducing “totally” to “totes,” “stupid” to “stoops,” and expanding “stoops” to “stoops du jour.” We changed “gnarly” to “gnarls” and then upped the ante with “Gnarly Lama,” “Gnarls in Charge,” and yes, even “Gnarls Barkley.” That one got stolen big-time! We put the “grody” in “Grodo Baggins” and the “jealousy” in “peanut butter and jelz” (we know you’re jelz of that one!).

OK, maybe inventing slang like this isn’t something to be proud of. It doesn’t make us sound particularly smart (unless you come up with a ’licious [delicious] word combo such as “God, this party is so Gnarlito’s Way!”) but boys around the globe have been ripping us off for years. We heard them use “douche chills” on a syndicated sitcom and we invented that! We know we’re just getting territorial and making it seem like girls invented all plays on words. But we did! We just wanted you to know. It’s not like we don’t want dudes to say stuff like, “OMG, it’s so chilly con carne out tonight!” We do, we just want you to admit that WE invented the way you talk, OK?

Honorable mentions: Orphan Annie, overthinking stuff


If the cassingle of “Betty Boo: Doin’ the Do,” randomly showed up at your house, then you were a subscriber to



magazine! Congratulations! You’ve just been awarded 25 cool points. Add an extra 1,000 if your riot-grrl band was ever featured in the “Cute Band Alert,” and, if you’re a boy, add 10 for being the boy of the month in “Dear Boy.” If you interned at the magazine, wore overalls, cut your hair short, had a pair of Chinese slippers or John Fluevog Mary Janes, made your own skirt out of neckties, submitted to “It Happened to Me” or that weird little poetry page, still own the issue with Kurt and Courtney on the cover AND the 7" single by Chia Pet on bubblegum-pink vinyl then you are the winner of being one of the coolest girls ever to exist on this planet. Yay!

PS: There’s a book about


coming out in April. We’ll be buying our copies at the stroke of midnight.

Honorable mentions: Slutty Halloween costumes, self-help books, Sara Silverman,

The Sweetest Thing

, strap-ons, saying yes when we really mean no, the Sundays, the Shangri-las


One question: Why? I own one thong and the only time I wear it is on laundry day. And typical me, every laundry day I forget how fucking annoying they are and I find myself picking at invisible wedgies the whole time. But you can’t pick thong wedgies because a thong IS a wedgie. You are choosing to give yourself a wedgie. And why, because it looks hot to dudes when you lean over and they see the little stringy triangle sticking out? Where were you born, Asbury Park? Do your kids go to preschool in a casino? Thongs are fucking cheesy! If you don’t want your panty lines to show (reconsider, however, panty lines can be really hot) then why not just wear… nothing? What a shocker. And don’t be scared that people will be able to see your woo-woo like Paris and Lindsay. Those girls want to show off their vaginas. And why shouldn’t they? Vaginas are way prettier than thongs.


Honorable mentions: Tina Fey,

Three Women

, tomboys, thrifting, talking about other people, talking about relationships, talking on the phone


All girls love unicorns. And we all love the movie

The Last Unicorn

. And the theme song to that movie by the band America is our favorite song and we all have the lyrics written in calligraphy next to our poster of a bouquet of roses that have been strewn over a piano. And when we hear this song, we all put on our pointe shoes and one of those masquerade-type masks and dance around our bedrooms singing, “When the last eagle flies over the last crumbling mountain/ And the last lion roars at the last dusty fountain/ In the shadow of the forest/ Though she may be old and worn/ They will stare unbelieving/ At the last unicorn… I’m alive! I’m alii-iiive!”

Honorable mentions: “Uptown Top Ranking” by Althea & Donna,

Ugly Betty

, Uggs (why won’t they die???)


Are we the only ones who find the popularity of $10,000 handbags with WASPy names like “The Clive” or “The Eliza” disturbing? Seriously, it’s a place to put your tampons. I mean, true, girls love a cute purse. It’s because a purse is a metaphor for a vagina—it’s small and velvety and pretty and you want to put things in it again and again and again. Still, our criteria for a good bag are: a) lots of zippered pockets, and b) big enough to fit all our crap inside because, like Alison in


The Breakfast Club

says, “You never know when you may have to jam.” If it happens to have a cute heart pattern on it and lots of shiny things hanging off it, then yay, bonus. But really, like they always say, it’s what’s inside that counts—carry useful things in your purse and lend them freely. People will be impressed by your generosity and resourcefulness! Much more so than they would be by a price tag anyway.

Honorable mentions:

Xanadu, Xena: Warrior Princess

(we miss that show every day)


You are a girl! You are a gift, a rainbow, a ray of sunlight and a fresh summer breeze. You give life and eat forbidden apples with pride and determination. You are beautiful and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. As a girl there are a few simple commandments. One of them is that jealousy kills girl-love, so the next time you and a bunch of your girlfriends gang up against another girl and make her cry because she hooked up with your ex, just remember that it’s really not cool to do that! You don’t even care about Kevin anyway, YOU dumped HIM! Another thing to remember is, “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” Sitting on the sidewalk while Mandy holds your hair back while you puke is not a good look!

In all seriousness though, you are a girl so you should be siked. Give your man a great idea and don’t be surprised when he turns to his friends and says, “Hey man, why don’t you listen to my great idea?” Since you’re a girl you won’t mind because that’s how we roll. Do you think Yoko cared when she told John Lennon about peace and he acted like he invented the damn thing? No, she didn’t. You’re smart. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. You know the truth, so stop acting like you don’t already. It’s giving the rest of us a bad rep.

Honorable mentions: Yoko Ono, yeast infections, yogurt


“Oh my gosh, you are SUCH a Libra!” Sandra said after she showed me where the frozen-yogurt machine was in the caff. It was my first day working for Mr. Spencer, the top dog at the law firm were I had landed my first real secretarial job. Oops, I mean “executive assistant.” Gosh, I’m so forgetful, I guess I truly am a Libra after all! Sandra was so sweet. After she offered me a Diet Coke she told me where I could hide my Reeboks. “Mr. Spencer makes sure all his girls wear pumps but I know it’s only natch to wear ’boks, just don’t let him see you.” Thank gosh Sandra was a Gemini. We were compatible as lifelong friends. I just knew I was going to make it in Big Apple city!

Honorable mentions: Zines, zero (the number of girls who think Fletch is funny)