Instant Offence

Introducing the new sports blog by Australians James Hova and Alex Vitlin. It's a sports roundup, minus the sports Americans care about.

Football

Prior the to the Euro 2012 finals, Mario Balotelli, Italy's controversial striker, claimed he would "… invite Shakira to the final, so that she can see what I will do to her boyfriend" in an audacious attempt to woo the Columbian songstress.

It turns out Shakira's boyfriend, Gerard Pique, and his Spanish compatriots fucked Balotelli and the Azzuri sideways, winning the European Championships Final 4-0 - something which no doubt impressed Shakira, and left Balotelli's final efforts immortalised in .gif format and .gif format alone.

NRL

There are two possible outcomes for the State of Origin decider: a QLD win, in which case we get histrionic columns about Origin greatness and why QLDers might be genetically better at rugby league. And with it, commemorative cans of XXXX Gold being minted with everyone's fuckwit Queenslander mate taking to the internet to proclaim Jonathan Thurston the second coming of Wally Lewis.

… or NSW wins, in which case we get hyperbolic columns about courage, grit and determination and, if Jarryd Hayne decides to actually try, the scintillating x-factor of the NSW back line. Commemorative cans of VB will be minted, and New South Welshmen who watch rugby league three times a year will make some irrelevant observations, which will be liked by their friends, who similarly know nothing about the game.

Whatever the outcome, Gus Gould will call it a significant night for rugby league and after the rugged hits of the first two games this year, he might also end up being right.

Cricket

Former Queensland Cricketer, Ian King was found guilty of 25 counts of child molestation over a ten year period and has been sent to the slammer for a 12 year bid. This will be a super gross test of whether sports hero status can override rock spider status.

Meanwhile, there are apparently some one dayers being played in England, and Australia is apparently getting pumped. It is, however, difficult to confirm these rumours, because it's winter time, and it's too cold to give a shit about cricket that starts at 1am local time.

AFL

Carlton's Brock McLean this week became the latest AFL star to be wrapped over the knuckles thanks to an off the field incident, hitting the twitters a little too vigorously for the liking of the AFL club's top brass.

McLean, tweeting about his bad day, was taunted by a fan, who asked whether or not he had been finally been delisted by the club. McLean eloquently responded:

"No, your mum has given me AIDS."

McLean was fined $5k and a one match ban for his troubles. In positive news for the midfielder, he does not actually have AIDS… he's just an asshole.

Super 15

Does anyone care?

A-League

The Western Sydney Wanderers have been incorporated, and have just over three months to fill out their roster and confirm a training venue. They've nabbed four Sydney FC players, which is exactly the rivalry-fuelling move we were looking for.

London 2012

In Olympics news, Stephanie Rice tweeted a picture of herself in a bikini, reminding everyone once more that homophobes can still have bodies that look like aesthetically attractive weatherboard houses, and that bad decision making and questionable tastes in swimsuits are both still very much a part of her gold medal preparation.