Suggestions for New Bras in the Age of the 'Bionic Bra'

Photo via Flickr user  ​​recyclethis

Boobs are an engineering enigma. They've been around for as long as mankind has existed, yet people are still stumped about what to do with them. This explains why, year after year, bra architects invent what they're sure is the "world's best bra," which will assuredly plump up, bump up, and smooth out your tits into the beautiful balls of fat that they are, while keeping you as comfortable as if you were naked.

The latest attempt comes from a team of researchers at Breast Research Australia, or BRA. They're developing what they call the "​world's first bionic bra"—a sports bra that "automatically tightens in response to breast movement," which is supposed to give extra support during exercise and then relax into a more comfortable fit during rest. The researchers have been working on the bra for 15 years. By way of comparison, it took ten years to build the Large Hadron Collider.

"Unfortunately, the most supportive sports bras tend to be the most uncomfortable to wear," said Julie Steele, director of BRA, in a press release about the new product. I'm not sure how a bra that suffocates your boobs during exercise would be anything but uncomfortable to wear, but whatever.

From what I understand, the BRA bra has built-in sensors that detect breast movement, which then trigger a part of the bra's band to clench up. The press release didn't delve into the specifics of how this works, but mentioned that these new technologies are enabled by "approaches such as 3D printing." Steele also added that "when finished, the Bionic Bra will transform bra design."

That would be surprising. The bra market is already incredibly saturated with inventions meant to "transform" the functionality of the bra: bras with a ​built-in flask; bras that ​send a tweet every time you unclasp it; bras that ​spew whipped cream; bras that look like ​two ice packs strapped to your chest, designed to keep you cool in the summer; bras that are ​bulletproof; bras that ​only unhook when it senses you are in love (though we've heard you can fool it with pizza). You can outfit your boobs in just about anything (including ​this $2 million diddy) and if that still isn't enough of a selection, you can even get underwire ​surgically implanted beneath your skin to ensure that your boobs have perma-lift.

There have been approximately 7 billion bra inventions meant to revolutionize the way your breasts look and feel. But is that enough? Since none of these inventions have earned the title of "world's best bra," here are some other inventions I'd like to see on the market:

• Transformer bra. First it's a bra; then it's a car.
• Pepper-spray bra. ​The time it takes to reach into your oversize purse and fish out pepper spray could be the difference between your life and death. Pepper spray should come spewing out of your boobs on command.
• Secretary bra. Someone already designed a bra that ​holds your cell phone, but what about a bra that takes your calls?
• Gas-mask bra. Oh wait, ​that already exists.
• Glade PlugIn bra. Like air freshener, but for your boobs. Also helpful for those days when you forget to put on deodorant.
• Life-proof push-up bra. At least one woman's life has been spared thanks to an enormous amount of silicone padding in a bra. ​Push-up bras save lives, people.
• Back-rubbing bra. If you're going to wear it all day, might as well have some kind of massaging capabilities in the back.

Or, IDK, how about an invisible bra that you can't see or feel, which allows your boobs to just hang out there and be themselves? No? Too complicated?

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