I had an Exorcism in Perth

So I’ve been getting to know a Christian ministry called Set-Right. They’re based in Perth, Western Australia, but they exorcise evil demons and spirits from people all over Australia. Set-Right was started six years ago by a husband and wife combo named Michelle and Vincent Pécoult, who collectively refer to themselves as apostle, teacher and prophet of the organization. In an average year, they and their 20-odd followers perform around 200 exorcisms out of their suburban home. I was baptized as a kid, and although I’m an atheist these days, I figured an actual exorcism might dissolve any lingering belief. Plus I was just sort of curious.

I got talking with Michelle over the phone. I explained that my twenty-first birthday was spent in Amsterdam, and she quickly told me that a female demon named Lilith had possessed me. “She’s a high risk one," said Michelle. “She’s one that is into a lot of drugs, sexuality, debasement and debauchery, that sort of thing. You’d better come in.”

The appointment was set for April 1. I drove myself over and the absurdity of the whole thing set in. Set-right headquarters isn’t immediately scary. It’s just a house in a shitty industrial suburb where Michelle and Vincent live with their huge family. What genuinely concerned me though, were all the hollow-eyed patients who greeted me when I arrived. They stay in one half of the house in various states of spiritual rehabilitation so they’ve got round-the-clock access to the demon destroyers, just in case, and they lingered in the background as I took a seat. I felt nervous.

Michelle, Vincent and another team member named Leslie positioned themselves in front of me. Vincent, who was holding the nest (that basically means chanting a bunch of powerful words), never broke eye contact. Michelle then explained that I was going to receive the physical element of the deliverance. “What we’re going to do with the oil James, is put some in the middle of your forehead and in the palms of your hands to burn out the eyes of witchcraft, or, the third eye as you might know it.” And with that, she smeared some oil on my face. Leslie shouted “GET UP!” and I went bright red but stayed sitting. Then Vincent, in his heavy French accent, started reciting lines about “the Queen of Sheba, the dark maid, the night hag, the maiden of desolation, dark Shekinah, Helen of Troy…”

This went on for about half an hour until we took a very abrupt break. Michelle told me that my demon was calling me a bleeding heart. My kind nature had always been my most attractive quality. Then there were questions such as “Have you ever had an abortion with your significant other? Do you have a good relationship with your father?” I answered as sincerely as I could, but it all seemed a bit John Edwards.

I’d had enough. I was feeling ridiculously hot so I took a walk outside to cool off. Michelle came along and explained that the demon was saying stuff that she didn’t want anyone else in the room to hear. She described the stuff she’d heard but again, it was all a bit suspiciously non-specific. Doesn’t everyone have a broken heart, and maybe daddy issues to some degree? I said this and Michelle said that she knew I was skeptical and that I couldn’t be sure demons, or even God existed. She told me that soon I would know God. The end time brought on by the Illuminati was already in progress. This was a chance to secure my spot up above.

I went home after that. It was a performance, although I don’t think I got much out of it. Maybe if I was a little less mentally balanced or more emotionally lazy, I’d hold demons responsible for my problems rather than myself. I don’t though. Now, someone please save those people stuck in that weird house.