R. Kelly's Got Doo-Doo Butter In His Box

This is art that was made by Derek Erdman. You can buy one for $200 right here.

In 2005 and 2007, R. Kelly put out two installments of his epic hip-hopera “Trapped in the Closet” (Chapters 1-12 and Chapters 13-22), which was basically an unending music video series that spun a web of lies and deceit and sex scandals in the style of a soap opera. To be honest, I lost track of the storyline after that girl got impregnated by a midget (wait, that did happen, right???). I mean, if you haven’t seen it, then 1) do you live under a rock and 2) WATCH IT NOW because I can’t put the epicness of it into words. So when, last week, R. Kelly announced that he would release the third installment (chapter 23 and beyond) on IFC later this year, I was like NO WAY/HELL YES. The man clearly doesn’t know when to stop, so it was bound to happen sooner or later, and one can only imagine what kind of weirdness will ensue.

Now if you remember, a mysterious package made its way into the complicated story plot and the last episode (chapter 22) ended with a cliffhanger – a series of phone calls that were like “WHAT’S IN THE PACKAGE HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS PACKAGE NO NOT THAT KIND OF PACKAGE WHAT’S IN THE PACKAGE?” It made all of our heads scratch, leaving us hanging for five years. Thankfully, R. Kelly confirmed that he will finally reveal the contents of the package: “And now here we are at chapter 23, trapped in the million dollar question – what the hell is the package? Well ladies and gentlemen not only am I ready to reveal what the package is, but I have many more chapters to share. I hope you're as excited as I am.” OH YES WE ARE, ROBERT SYLVESTER, YES WE ARE.

In anticipation of the third installment, I’ve taken a quick survey of what people think will be revealed in this package. So, WHAT THE EFF IS IN THE PACKAGE??

PISS

Very likely. I mean, the guy is famous for wanting to piss on you, so it wouldn’t be too surprising if one of his ‘fictional’ characters also wanted to give the gift of urination. In R. Kelly’s mind, a box of pee-pee is kind of like a care package, so maybe it will serve as a piss, err peace, offering amidst all the drama.

LOVE LETTERS FROM THE MIDGET

The internet scares me.

A heartfelt twist would be if the mysterious package was actually just really sweet love letters from the aforementioned midget. But knowing R. Kelly’s storytelling style, those love letters could be addressed to anybody. My bet is on the popo whose wife fucked the midget, because that is the most scandalous love triangle.

MORE MIDGETS/ANOTHER MIDGET

The midget motif is probably my favorite, and Big Man (the ironically named midget from the video series) seems to have made an impression on a lot of people’s minds. The story kind of fell flat after the midget bit, so bringing back the midget plot – especially in the highly anticipated package reveal – may just be the greatest comeback option for Kelly.

DOO-DOO BUTTER

I didn’t know this was a ‘thing’ until now. Still not really sure if it’s a ‘thing.’ On a related note, people have also guessed that the package will hold “a big piece of shit.” But that's almost too typical.

AIDS

I don’t know about you, but I take WikiAnswers as a very reliable source. Maybe TITC will take an apocalyptic turn. Only time will tell.

@kristenyoonsoo

Hey nerds! What do you think will be in the package?