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The Kids Issue
Literary/I Want My DVDs
What is the funniest thing in the world? How about cruelty? How about a 12-year prank funded by Jimmy Kimmel where an innocent boob hell-bent on fame is tortured again and again.
Windy City Heat
What is the funniest thing in the world? How about cruelty? How about a 12-year prank funded by Jimmy Kimmel where an innocent boob hell-bent on fame is tortured again and again like a delirious donkey with a carrot-flavored carrot stuck to his forehead. You may remember this insta-classic from our Mistakes Issue. You couldn’t watch it back then because Comedy Central saw it as their redheaded stepchild and kept delaying its release. Well, the stepchild is finally ready to move out of the house. Praise Jesus. I could go on about how it’s Eminem’s favorite movie and Johnny Knoxville has seen it 17 times and blah blah blah, but I’ll let the movie speak for itself. It is, quite simply, the greatest thing ever created.
Koko: A Talking Gorilla
Koko is that gorilla whose keepers taught her sign language in the 70s. Ever hear of her? This is a documentary about Koko and Dr. Penny, the woman who dedicated her whole life to this primate. Fascinating, right? Well, kind of. An hour and a half of watching Koko eating donuts and wearing mohair sweaters is cute and kooky, but the really interesting stuff is what you find out when you start Googling “Koko, gorilla” after you’re done watching the movie. Did you know that in 2005 Koko was sued for sexual harassment? Neither did I. Maybe you remember Koko and her kitten All-Ball. Well did you know that when All-Ball died, Koko cried actual tears and went into a short depression? Really? She did? You’re fuckin-A right she did! Consider Koko: A Talking Gorilla a primer for the full-scale Kokes obsession you’ll harbor after watching it.
PS: Koko has a nipple fetish too. Now will you fucking Google her already?
Harlan County, USA
Who knew a small Kentucky town full of striking coal miners in the 1970s could be so radically stylish? Fuck, these guys look great. Especially when they’re angered to the point of tearful rage by the corporate scum, strikebreaking scabs, and staggering poverty in which they live. This beautiful, heartbreaking, historically important, and amazing-looking documentary will make all you rich pigs wish you could be born again as a member of the working class. But guess what? You never, ever can.
Can we ride the Criterion Collection dick any harder? This new box set contains definitive editions of Olivier’s takes on Henry V, Hamlet, and Richard III. Think you don’t get Shakespeare? Think this shit is boring? Then give it one more try on this set. If you don’t love Sir Laurence as the Dutch king of legend or the lionhearted Dick, then you’re not as smart as I am. Therefore, like all fans of Shakespeare, I will do my utmost to make you feel bad about yourself next time we get drunk together.
Anyway, this set is fucking great.
The Tomorrow Show: Tom Snyder’s Electric Kool-Aid Talk Show
Oh look, it’s a bunch of mind-numbingly boring boomers (Ken Kesey, Tim Leary, Tom Wolfe, and Tom Snyder) sucking each other’s withered old cocks. And this shit was first on TV in the early 80s, when they were already spending all their time rehashing their stupid adventures in the 60s. Exhuming this talk show for a DVD release is like digging up Jerry Garcia’s corpse and forcing all of us to get fucked by it.
The one non-puke-inducing aspect of this collection is the fact that there are a bunch of great Dead performances on it. Sure, they already look bloated and old and not much different from the infamous “disco Dead” days, but they play “Dire Wolf,” man! I mean, come on—“Dire Wolf”?
We couldn’t get any kids to review this because it’s all about exploring the boundaries between art and pornography and, as such, has quite a lot of stuff that we didn’t feel comfortable showing to kids.
The boundary exploring manifests itself in a bunch of short movies by celebrated documenters of frisky behaviour like Gaspar Noe, Larry Clark, Matthew Barney and Sam Taylor-Wood.
Noe has a twirly-whirly camera bobbing around a guy having a Barclays Bank with a blow-up doll, Taylor-Wood films a dude pleasuring himself in the desert and Barney inventively places a turnip up someone’s bottom then puts him underneath a giant truck which he uses to “bring himself to completion”.
Larry Clark’s movie is the most interesting. Titled Impaled, it’s based around a series of interviews with teenagers about their experiences with rude pictures and such. It culminates in one of the teenagers having a fumble with a woman who bases her career on posing for such pictures.
What do we learn from all this? You can get away with showing quite a lot of REALLY rude business if you call it “art”.