Right now you’re looking at the worst rated restaurant in Australia. I know it is because if you go to zomato.com and set your city to Melbourne and scroll down to the very last page, you’ll find this place. Right there, on page number 439 with an overall rating of 1.8 stars collated from 118 reviews, you’ll find this place. Goody’s Burger House.
Now let’s take a moment to appreciate this. Because if you set your city to Sydney and scroll down, their worst restaurant comes in with 2.8 stars from only four reviews. Sydney’s worst restaurant doesn’t achieve that same mix of badness and review numbers as Melbourne’s. And Sydney’s worst restaurant is only on page 368, meaning that Melbourne has a whole extra 71 pages of shit restaurants. That’s exactly 1,065 more shit restaurants than Sydney. And sure, other cities have bad restaurants too, but not bad like Goody’s. Adelaide’s worst place gets 1.9 stars on page 108. Same with Brisbane, and both have far less reviews.
So look, only one place in Australia has achieved this holy ratio between badness, reviewer numbers, and beating a whole lot of terrible competition to achieve uniqueness. And that’s Goody’s Burger House in Melbourne.
Now some of you might think I’m being a cunt by writing this, but you’re wrong. You’re wrong because I’m here to defend Goody’s Burger House. You know that feeling you get when you walk past an empty restaurant on a Saturday night? That feeling of peering inside, and seeing all the waitstaff who are doing nothing straighten their backs and smile hopefully at you? Well I hate that feeling. I just want every restaurant in the whole world to be loved and rendered financially viable and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen.
So join me, please, as we grab some lunch at Goody's.
When you first get into Goody’s you’re like really? That’s it? Because Goody’s isn’t that bad. It’s not weird or dirty or even all that different. It’s basically just a rip-off Grilled. And if anything, the worst thing about Goody’s is a sign that reads “ROCK THAT BURGER,” which is uncool for the same reasons Kmart surfwear is uncool. But that’s it.
I ordered a veggie burger and my friend Ben went with a cheeseburger. The woman at the desk was quick and polite. Everything was fine and we wondered what everyone's problem was.
From what I’d read earlier on Zomato, everyone’s problem was the food. “The.worst.burger.ever.in.Melb!” wrote one person who called themselves I Love Food, but apparently also has a lot of hate. So when this tray came out, again, I was like really? That’s the worst?
The veggie burger was sensational. The bread was fresh, the potato pattie thing was hot, and it came with a fuck load of iceberg lettuce.
Ben was into his fries but he said the cheeseburger tasted like it’d been steamed. But Ben says that about everything.
While we munched we got talking about Zomato and how the democratic power of random jerks can sink small businesses. Weeks earlier I’d called the owner of Goody’s—a nice guy named George Iliopoulos—and I asked him how he was feeling and why he thought people were so angry. “I don’t know,” he told me. “In Greece, where the company is based, we have 31 stores and Goody’s is very popular. I brought the franchise here and I’ve been surprised at how people have responded.”
He told me that they’d brought in some head honchos to try and fix the issue and hired some new chefs. He told me they were on the up, but they still didn’t know what to do about Zomato. “It seems some people just want to complain,” he told me. “And those reviews stick around for a long time.”
After lunch I read some more reviews and realised what everyone’s problem is. Their problem is they don’t get it. See, Goody’s isn’t a place for lunch. Goody’s is more of a place to head after Friday knock-offs. It’s a place where dudes yell, “How’s your night been, alright?” and the toilet is for power-napping. Goody’s are open until 2 AM and their beer is cold, so they’re basically Australia’s most awesome kebab-free kebab shop.
We left feeling bloated and wonderful. We’d had a great lunch, and in a way I felt a bit like I’d gone back in time and defended the guy who always got bullied.
So anyway, drop what you’re doing right now and go write Goody’s a gushing review. Not because this is some bullshit branded article—it’s genuinely not—but because they’re the worst rated restaurant in the whole country and that’s actually kind of impressive.