This article originally appeared on VICE US
We live in a world of endless possibilities. You can fly anywhere you want in a matter of hours, or turn your love of weed into a career, or just lie in bed and thumb through the whole of humanity's collective knowledge on your phone. A vast river of life choices spills out before us, a patchwork of paths forking and twisting towards different opportunities, infinite doors waiting to be opened... even the metaphors are bountiful.
Somehow, though, two complete strangers named Claire have chosen, amid all these infinite options, to draw dicks on an app that tracks where you jog. But instead of finding one another and bonding deeply over this wild coincidence, they've gotten into a bizarre flame war online—because apparently, this world is only big enough for one Dick Run Claire.
Earlier this month, VICE ran an interview with one of the Dick Run Claires, a 33-year-old in New Jersey who has been exercising in phallic shapes and posting her runs online for the past few years. "I love looking for dick run routes," Claire told VICE. "But honestly, I just love running: It’s my favorite way to get a workout in—and drawing a giant dick across a town is really just a bonus."
It was a silly and generally upbeat story about exercise and dick jokes, but when LA writer and comedian Claire Wyckoff came across it, she was less than enthusiastic:
According to Wyckoff, she was running dicks across America for years before the other Claire came along and stole her bit. "I don't mind that she’s running dicks," Wyckoff later told Refinery29. "I mind that she’s acting like she came up with this without crediting me."
Wyckoff has since changed her Instagram handle to reflect that she is the original Dick Run Claire and has been pointing out some strong parallels between the other Claire's dick runs and her own, uh, handiwork. "She did a hand job run, and I was like, bitch, you stole my hand job!" Wyckoff told BuzzFeed News.
They both did suspiciously similar vagina runs, too.
"I think we should have a dick run-off," Wyckoff told BuzzFeed News, throwing down the dick-running gauntlet. "A dickathlon."
For her part, the other Claire swore to Refinery29 that she didn't even know about "OG Dick Run Claire" until the drama started. "I think there's enough roads out there for all of us to dick run to our hearts content," she told Refinery29. Unfortunately, she has not yet publicly responded to the dick-off challenge.
Draw your own conclusions about the relative skills of these two Claires or whatever, but ultimately, come on. Let's be real here. Shouldn't the fact that these two Claires who share a strange love for running in shafts and balls bring them together, not pull them apart? Isn't our current society too full of hate and divisiveness as it is? Can't all the Dick Run Claires just get along?
Actually wait—no. Fuck that. Bring on the dickathlon!