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Film

What the Fuck Is Going on in 'Lucy'?

Scarlett Johansson plays a cold, sexy assassin who get crazy mind powers. Yeah, this movie's not gonna make sense, is it?

by Dave Schilling
29 July 2014, 5:10pm

Lucy was the top film at the box office last weekend, making more than $40 million in the US, despite its curious mix of nonsense pseudoscience urban legends and horseshit new age philosophy. The expertly staged action scenes and confident sense of style helped—plus OMG you can see Scarlett's bra, dude—but that doesn't mean the movie made any fucking sense. Here are some lingering questions from the movie that we probably could have answered if we were using the full potential of our brains:

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS

–How did that Euro-garbage Bam Margera in the cowboy hat snag ScarJo? 

–Did Morgan Freeman utter even one word that wasn't pure exposition? 

–What is his job title supposed to be? Professor of Brain Percentage at Generic University?

–The auditorium full of people Morgan's lecturing to must sure be stupid if they're so blown away by a really crackpot thesis. They're not even remotely skeptical of his fantasy ideas about human beings moving objects with their brains.

–When Lucy first gazes upon the CPH4 in the briefcase, she says it looks "gross." It's not a severed penis or a dog turd. It's a bag of blue crystals. It could be Pop Rocks for all she knows.

–If the bad guys thought there was a bomb in that briefcase, wouldn't they want to do a bit more than stand behind some plastic shields? I'd at least get out of the room for awhile.

–Abducting people and sewing drugs inside them seems like a very expensive and inefficient method of drug smuggling. Couldn't they FedEx them? Or sew them inside one of the many, many henchman they have that are willing to die for the cause? Seems a lot less risky.

–Wouldn't a person suffering the after-effects of invasive surgery draw tons of attention to themselves in an airport? They all looked pretty ill to me.

–Why does Lucy have a bullet wound in her shoulder when she wakes up in the weird rape den? We never saw her get shot.

–Why is Lucy's first impulse when she unlocks her brain to have phone sex with her mom? "I remember the taste of your milk in my mouth"; "I want to thank you for the thousand kisses I can still feel on my face." Barf barf barf barf barf.

–Also, if I called my mom and told her how great her breast milk tasted, I'm pretty sure she'd ask me how drunk I was, then hang up the phone.

–How much could those drugs possibly be worth? There isn't even a confirmed market for it yet, since no one's tried it or heard of it. The bad guys were willing to kill a lot of people and destroy a lot of property to get them back. 

–After evolving into a super-being with an awareness of the complex meaning of the universe, Lucy's choice is to... kill a bunch of people? Why doesn't she just synthesize her own CPH4 so she can evolve into a higher consciousness if she's such a goddamn genius? Did she really need to spend all that time murdering people? Was she out for revenge? Wouldn't she have evolved beyond a petty human impulse like revenge? She just seems like a cocky sociopathic jerk, really.

–Was the montage of the animals fucking your favorite part of the movie too?

–Did Lucy use her super-brain to somehow make the internet faster? Wikipedia loads really fast on her computer.

–Can you really forge a medical prescription in Taiwan with an InkJet printer and a laptop?

–If she wants that French cop to understand her point really quickly, why doesn't she just talk to him in French? Presumably she knows it. She knows everything.

–Can flight attendants not open the toilet doors from the outside? That seems like a pretty big design flaw if someone needs medical attention. You know, like if someone's face was melting off due to withdrawls caused by a chemical reaction to a super-drug that makes you smarter.

–In the car chase to the hospital, was Lucy moving the cars with her mind? If she was moving the cars with her mind, why didn't she move more of them to prevent the deaths of all those innocent people?

–For that matter, why the fuck didn't she teleport or fly to the hospital? Is that not part of her skill set? Seems like something she should be able to do, or at least want to do. 

–Is that the Princess Diana tunnel they go through during the car chase? Must've been a pretty awkward day of filming fake car crashes there if it was.

–Wouldn't getting stabbed in both hands make it kinda difficult to use a gun?

–The ultimate evolution of human consciousness is constantly calling people. Can't she project her consciousness through cellular signals, like she did when she met Morgan Freeman? At the very least, like, text. I'd hate having to talk that much.

–Lucy tells "Officer Del Rio" that she keeps him around to "remember," and then kisses him. Presumably, she doesn't need people to be around her to remember, since she told her mother over the phone that he has memories so vivid that it's like they're actually happening. If she can remember the way her mom's breast milk tastes, she must remember the contours of every penis or vagina she's ever touched?

–To prove her brain capacity to the scientists, Lucy extracts the memory of someone's child dying in a car accident. Why not pick a happier memory? Seems cruel.

–Wait, after the rocket blows a hole through the door of the lab, does Lucy travel back in time? 

–Traveling through space and time on a swivel chair is maybe the dumbest thing ever committed to film, right?

–When she touched the monkey's finger in the past, was that implying that she gave the monkey intelligence, thereby setting in motion the entire evolution of the human race?

–Does that mean Lucy's supposed to be God?

–What if, when Morgan Freeman plugs in the Futuristic Space USB Star Drive into his computer, he finds that Lucy left him a bunch of silly cat GIFs as the ultimate cosmic troll?

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