Random Stuff

The Alley (3228 N Clark St, 773-525-3180) Are you finding yourself crunched for time on your Chicago visit? Does your shopping list include a concrete gargoyle, Gene Simmons boots, getting your lip pierced, a stuffed alien, and a vibrating cockring? Well duder, your wish is the Alley’s command. Located at the corner of Clark and Belmont, right next to Punkin’ Donuts (bring spare change—there are many starving crusters that need to feed their vegan dogs), this is your one-stop shop for everything Columbine. Thank us later, little Dracula.  Rob Lowe is one of the coolest humans in the entire universe. He’s also one of the three black dudes in Chicago who hang out. (Of course TV on the Radio snatched him up!) Watching him sway while mixing you a Bloody Mary any weekend at the Empty Bottle is downright hypnotic. If my digital camera were a little more reliable, we could easily hit up Rob Lowe’s closet for seven full issues of DOs. Rob was once spotted drinking a cup of tea, thinking about a sweet guitar solo, beading a necklace, giving awesome advice on his cell phone, and making hummus—all while riding his bike. Think about it. If for whatever reason Rob Lowe has moved away from Chicago by the time you read this guide, ask around—there’s totally a statue of him somewhere that you should leave tasteful gifts and flowers near.  Michigan Avenue If you go to a city like San Francisco, tourist attractions are your worst nightmare. Dude, getting locked up in Alcatraz is a fucking bummer. This doesn’t ring as true for the Windy City. Tourist shit here is actually kinda great. The Shedd Aquarium might be the second-coolest aquarium in the country, and a cruise down Michigan Avenue is well worth the struggle for the Signature Lounge. The Signature Lounge (875 N Michigan Ave, 95th floor) is the bar at the top of the John Hancock building. Any person who tells you it’s too expensive is fucking retarded. Sure, drinks are $10 (ever been to New York, professor?), but you’re a zillion stories above the ground and the air is so thin you can get completely destroyed on two cocktails. The greatest part about this bar is the clientele. Every tryin’-to-get-my-beats-out shitty rapper uses it to propose to his thong-exposin’ baby-momma, and it’s an absolute blast to watch