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Music by VICE

An Imaginary Bonnaroo VIP Meet-Up Between R. Kelly and Dave Matthews

A fake clash of the musical titans underneath the Illuminati-level VIP Bonnaroo tent.

by Drew Millard
19 February 2013, 7:50pm

R. Kelly stood underneath the all-seeing eye of the Illuminati-level V.I.P. tent of the 2013 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, casually smoking a cigar and wearing a headband for the first time ever. His publicist told him he looked like Frank Ocean, but he didn't know who that was. R. Kelly was sweating through his suit. He didn't care.

As he stood, contemplating a lifetime of musical achievement culminating in life's ultimate reward (headlining festivals primarily associated with jam bands and indie rock), a man approached him. He looked sweaty; he wasn't wearing a suit. R. Kelly disliked him already.

"Hello," the slovenly fellow said to him. "Name's Dave. Dave Matthews. Big fan."

R. Kelly gazed upon him with thinly-veiled disdain. "I'm R. Kelly. Are you in Mumford and Sons?"

Dave Matthews was rattled. "No," he said. "I'm the guy from Dave Matthews Band."

R. Kelly didn't know what that was. "I don't know what that is," he said. "Go away, David Matthews."

"Sorry," Dave Matthews said to him. "Can I at least get a handshake?"

R. Kelly stuck out his hand for Dave Matthews to shake. In the one perfect, magical moment that they touched, the power of Jam was communicated to R. Kelly, wordlessly and beautifully. R. Kelly understood. More than ever in his entire life, he understood.

It is said that R. Kelly's heart grew ten times that day, that his generosity was known far and wide throughout Bonnaroo. All that is certain, however, is that later that day, R. Kelly took off his suit, keeping only his vest, and performed with Mumford and Sons.

Drew Millard once had an entire blog devoted to fan fiction. You can find him on Twitter here - @drewmillard

R. Kelly
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