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Jerk Starts Petition for Newly Un-Retired Phil Collins to Re-Retire, Thousands Sign

I Cannot Believe It's True.

by Craig Jenkins
07 November 2015, 7:00pm

Phil Collins is a national treasure, a legend who's given us decades of classic moments, and you can find me and fight me if you don't agree. Just days ago he announced that he's officially unretired, to the joy of droves of lovers of soft, sweet, 80s chest-haired man pop worldwide, and for now, we wait for what that might entail. Elsewhere in the world, enemies of justice have sparked up a petition to get our newly unretired star to re-retire. Someone in the UK going by Brian Pee started a Change.org petition to convene the United Nations to stop King Collins from returning to music.

"There is far too much suffering in the world as it is," Pee dribbles. "This must be stopped." Sounds like a gag, but the petition has presently secured over 3,000 of the necessary 5,000. Good try, Bri, but you can't stop love, and you can't stop truth. Phil can't stop loving us. We can feel it in the air tonight. Against all odds, we've got a groovy kind of love. We're rejoicing for a shot at another day in paradise. Um... Sussudio. Check Mr. Pee's petition here but don't be a dickhead and sign because who even does that?