The THUMP Guide to Kick Ons

In some parts of the world putting off sleeping, taking more drugs, and drinking more is called 'after hours.' In Australia we affectionately refer to it as 'kick ons.' That's probably a moot point for most but just for any parents out there reading this, there you have it. Below are our tips for surviving—and thriving in—a kick on session. To those of you hearing this for the first time; we're sorry.

You know how you always end up with that one creepy guy who has somehow graduated from High Five Guy from the club to the guy now sitting in the maxi cab on the way to your friend's house at 7 in the morning? That's no one's fault but your own. When the possibility of kick ons arises, hold it close to your heart because it's a fragile platform where people sometimes socialise but mostly end up crashing very hard from the 5 pingers they shelved an hour or two ago. If it's anything but a comforting, close group of friends then it's bound to be a scarring and horrific journey for everyone. That creepy guy will be blissfully unaware and might end up stealing your nanginator and nobody wants that.

Let's talk about life-affirming essentials: sunglasses, gum and deodorant. All these things are day to day necessities, obvi, but they'll be life saving in times of need. You probably know if you're predisposed to club hopping until 9am, refusing to go home and finding yourself in someone's backyard, Snapchatting you and your friends drinking bloody marys. Pack the essentials when you leave the house. Thank me later.

Just, please. Everyone is running on 2 and a half brain cells which they're about to lose to their next huff of amyl and no one needs to hear anything other than "this is a banger", "I've ordered some booze and it will be delivered in the next 5 minutes" or "I love you." Everyone loves each other at kick ons—some are pretending and some really think they do—so don't waltz in near-sober and try to start a discussion that requires the attention span of anything superior to a goldfish. You'll be disliked forever.

Nangs, alcohol and ciggies are to be shared. The kick ons lore is a bit like communism but nicer. I take that back actually, it's nothing like communism. But if you ask for a sip of cheap sparkling wine once you start crashing, you will most likely get some so as long as you throw in $3 and a smile. Don't be the person to take advantage of the fragile states everyone is in. They may be fragile but the memories are sharp and mental notes will be taken.

People don't make sense on the best of days, but why someone would insist on playing Ginuwine's "Pony" at 10 in the morning after ingesting too many grams of ketamine merely 5 hours ago is beyond me. In saying that though, let them do it. No one likes a cranky pants and if you're about to stand up on your soap box and lead the way with an impromptu iTunes DJ set to "save the day", I can guarantee you're pissing someone off and you look like a dick for stopping "Pony." If you can't chill out, go outside and smoke some weed, someone will have some. Let the people play their music, even if it's in poor taste.

The hardest thing about kick ons is finding the right time to leave. FOMO might've been what brought you here in the first place but FOMO is what is paralysing you from leaving the couch, surrounded by uncomfortable acquaintances who have been awake for days. Kick ons is really nice at first but sometimes you've just got to call it a day. I once stayed at a kick ons until 1pm because someone had said they had ordered espresso martinis on Menulog, and that we should all stay and have the Sunday of our lives. We had fun for a while, but eventually the alcohol ran out, the sunshine crept in and the conversation faded faster than our gum. The espresso martinis never came. Just do it and get out of there while you still can… There'll be another kick ons next week.

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