In light of the US presidential election, we've all become pretty desensitized to the ubiquity of fake news. But, we're sorry, this story about a man who reportedly found a dead mouse in his Tim Hortons cup is more than a little bit sus, and we wouldn't be doing our jobs as journalists if we didn't call it out.
According to the Canadian Press, a man named Jim Elliot purchased coffee from the one (and only) Tim Horton's location in Stewiacke, Nova Scotia and found a dead mouse in one of his cups. We're not saying he's a liar per se. Food inspection reports have found "pests" at this Timmies, according to a CTV report.
But parts of his story raise troubling questions. Questions that deserve answers.
Elliott reportedly bought two (2) cups of coffee from the location, drank one, and refrigerated the other to "drink later." (Nah, really.)
How we feel if Jim Elliot was trying to tell us this story in person.
The next day, Elliot, on god, told the Canadian Press he microwaved the second cup of coffee back to life, and took a sip from the cup's plastic lid. That's when he *felt* the *mouse.*
This, in our opinion, is the first major red flag. First of all, most of us only drink Tim Hortons coffee because it is our duty as Canadians and because there are more of them around than Starbucks, but honestly, buying two at the same time to refrigerate one is almost unfathomable.
Second, no one needs to save a drive-through coffee for later. It's not really all that much trouble to walk down the street and grab another coffee, and it's also a lot easier on your dignity than reheating it a full 24 hours after you purchased it. But that said, this might be our urban bias.
Now, according to the internet, Stewiacke, NS, has a population roughly the size of a GG Allin concert—which means that it's not totally unreasonable for someone that isolated to take home coffee for later, provided they really do live out in the boonies.
But, contrary to that point: it's 2016, bro. What are you doing? I'm pretty sure they have made stem cells into coffee at this point. Why are you saving awful road-trip coffee when you could just buy almost-as-horrible-but-still-bearable instant coffee for a much cheaper price? (And, assumedly, pretty safe to bet you won't end up sucking on the teat of a fucking dead mouse.)
According to the Canadian Press, Elliot "thought a tea bag had been mistakenly added to his order, but when he pulled the lid off and stuck a fork in the brew, the body of a small, soaked mouse appeared."
What? So he expects us to believe a Tim Hortons employee filled his cup with coffee having not realized that a rodent—either dead or alive—was in said cup at the time. An empty paper cup weighs literally nothing. A mouse weighs more than nothing. Also we are assuming the employee who served Elliot had eyes and potentially looked into the cup while pouring the coffee and would have then seen the mouse with his or her eyes.
In case you're already upset reading this article.
Oh yeah, we know what you're thinking. "What if the mouse was in the pot already?" Have you ever made coffee in your infant life? That's not how things work. If a mouse got into that coffee pot, I'm more concerned about that animal's ability to bypass the laws of physics than I am the by fact that someone ended up drinking it.
Cory (a manager at the Tim Horton's location), when reached by VICE for comment, declined to respond to questions and forwarded us to the company's media line. The manager also declined to answer when asked, "Do you think this story is bullshit?"
Now we're not saying it's impossible to discover a mouse in your coffee. It already happened to another Canadian dude, but his story is more plausible, and he took photos. Everyone has a camera on their phone these days, so where is your proof Jim Elliot?
Elliot has since demanded an apology from the coffee chain (and probably some free coffee, sans imaginary rodents). We're demanding something much simpler: the truth.