Are you sick of Ryan Lochte yet? Too bad. He's not going away.
Rio's Golden Shower Boy is possibly taking his talents to Dancing with the Stars to become one of the stars to dance with when the show resumes its 23rd—really?—season on September 12th on ABC. A source told People that Lochte is "in talks" to join DWTS.
In a VICE Sports exclusive, here are the transcripts of said talks.
Producer Person: Listen Ryan, we really want you on DWTS, but we feel you're a bit toxic at the moment, and not just from the pea green Olympic sewer water you swam in—HIGH-FIVE!
Lochte: Jeah, good one.
Producer Person: Seriously, we love the charisma you brought to What Would Ryan Lochte Do? You got it, kid. In spades. You could be the next Jerry Rice, or Alfonso Ribeiro, or even ... Donny. Osmond. But we need to trust in you. America needs to trust in you. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Lochte: Not really, no.
Producer Person: Make me one promise.
Lochte: You're promised.
Producer Person: I haven't said what I want you to promise me yet.
Lochte: So two promises, bro? It's like you're my mom. Don't tell her I said that.
Producer Person: Could you please, for the next couple weeks, lay low and promise me you won't get shitfaced, destroy a random bathroom, piss all over the floor, claim to be robbed with a gun pointed at your head, sell out your friends and teammates, and flee a foreign country? Can you do that for me?
Lochte: Whatever, dude.
Producer Person: Perfect. You're hired! Now go get some tap shoes, pool boy. Americans love a good white boy redemption story.
Lochte: Do you validate?