Getting Wasted on Cum Cocktails
Our new, crazy intern got a bunch of her girlfriends and guy friends together to drink semen cocktails. Here's how that went.
Who hasn't had a mouth full of cum at some point of their life? Whether you spit, swallow or gargle you will always be left with that undeniable dick taste after you take your lover in your mouth. Most of the time it's not always a pleasant taste either. It's either too salty, too sweaty, or it just tastes like shame. But never fear! Thanks to Paul "Fotie" Photenhaue's new Semenology: The Semen Bartender's Handbook the taste of semen can be drastically improved. It's literally a book filled with drink recipes to make the perfect, cum cocktail.
Fotie's first book Nature's Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes was very well received when it was released back in 2008—and the sales propelled him to travel the world and find new ways to infuse semen and gastronomy. This led to more experimenting, and his new book that teaches its reader the unconventional art of semen-based mixology. I must admit, the more I read Semenology the less nauseous I became. It's intriguing stuff. It got me wondering why it was considered somewhat haute couture for a pub in New Zealand to serve horse cum shots but the idea of drinking human semen outside of a blowjob scenario is a disgusting concept.
Maybe it's because we're all so hyper aware of sexually transmitted diseases or maybe we've just had one too many encounters with a bad dick? I'm not sure, and maybe it's just me, but I don't see a problem with mixing myself up a "Watermelon Gin Jizz" while I curl up on my couch and watch Sex and the City after a nice romp in the bedroom.
I called up Fotie for a chat and he put all my doubts aside when he explained: "We eat eggs, which is chicken menstruation, and milk, which is cow secretion. That's pretty disgusting. Semen is fresh and you know who the producer is." That quote alone inspired me to throw my own cum cocktail party; so I called up some guys who wanted to donate their semen and some girls that wanted to drink said semen, and us ladies got wasted on jizz.
As we all settled in at my friend Lex's house, the combination of nervousness and excitement was pretty fucking palpable. We went over
and matched each man's jizz—based on their lifestyle and eating habits—with an appropriate drink recipe. Tony ended up with the "Jim & Tonic," since he's a heavy smoker. Fotie told me that a smoker's cum would complement the drink very nicely. Jimmy ended up inside the "Macho Mojito," because he's a vegetarian (and presumably) healthier than all of us. My friend Bruce stirred his baby gravy into the "Semen Bomb," a twisted variant of the Irish Car Bomb. He drinks so much I figured his semen would probably be alcoholic to begin with.
It took a little bit of coaxing to get Tony to head into the bathroom, but when he did it was amazing. Armed with a laptop in one hand and a cup in the other Tony asked Levi (our bartender for the night) what his mom's name was. Then he jerked off to her. Luckily Levi didn't really care: "That's ok. My mom is pretty fit."
To set the mood we put on "Super Freak" by Rick James, and Victoria noticed some creepy Dollarama Jesus candles on a mantle. She grabbed one and strode into the bathroom, lit it, and turned out the light to give the room a holy, romantic, you're-going-straight-to-hell feel for the boys. I felt like I was at a sick and twisted Twilight Zone version of a high school house party, talking about boys and what they would taste like while placing bets on who would take the longest to finish.
We heard a loud bang from the bathroom and Tony strolled out with a nice healthy glass of semen. My kinda-willing-to-drink-semen-in-a-cocktail friend Victoria almost puked right there after she stared at the cum filled glass, so we placed it in the kitchen to let it "melt." According to Fotie, the act of melting cum is a vital part of the drink making process. Basically, once you've harvested your jizz, you have to let it sit in the glass for a few minutes so it loses its lumpy texture and becomes a nice smooth consistency, which makes for the perfect addition to any drink or meal.
Jimmy went in next with his own, clean glass. Two minutes later he came back out and posed a very serious question: "Scarlett Johansson or Hulk Hogan's daughter?" As if it wasn't already clear that ScarJo was the obvious choice. We all waited somewhat patiently for Jimmy to finish, but for some weird reason all the party guests had to pee at the same time—so there was no choice but to go outside. For some reason, the girls chose to piss right in front of the neighbour's kitchen window while he was trying to enjoy their late night smoke and completely weirded him out. When they came back in all they had to say was "This is the classiest night of our lives" with a laugh and high fives for all.
When Jimmy finally emerged from the designated jerk off room we gave him a good pat on the back, and a few hugs. His hair was slick with sweat and he looked all doe-eyed and adorable. "I realized halfway through that I was jerking off with my jacket on and thought 'well this is just plain inconvenient.'"
Last but not least, Bruce strode confidently (maybe too confidently) into the bathroom. On his first try, his girl of choice to beat off to was Jennifer Love Hewitt, which all the girls present responded with a very shocked and confused "really?" But he missed his cup and had to go for round two. We offered him some "help", but he didn't want it, instead he asked for my computer password because it locked itself down (it might be self-aware) halfway through his first wank. Finally, after occupying the bathroom for what felt like forever, he finished twelve minutes into a stream of "Scooby Doo XXX" A porno that I absolutely do not want to watch for fear of permanently damaging some very clean and wholesome childhood memories. When he came out of the bathroom, we greeted him with a very enthusiastic round of applause and hugs, which he deserved for coming twice.
Now that all the semen had been harvested, I passed over my trusty recipe book to drinkmaster Levi. As he stepped into the kitchen to whip up our cum cocktails, armed to the tee with ingredients and liquor, making sure that us girls would have the utmost tastiest semen concoctions sliding down our throats by the time he was done.
Lex, Victoria, and I all gathered in the kitchen with our drinks in hand. I had this insane mix of fear and excitement in my stomach. As I held Bruce's Semen Bomb, all I could hear was my own heartbeat as everyone crowded around to watch us drink this elixir of life. As us girls exchanged nervous looks, we all cheers'd and downed our drinks. I can honestly say, it was pretty good once you got past the stigma of downing cum in a glass.
Bruce (Skateboarding hoodlum and local party boy)
Drink: Semen Bomb
In Bruce's "Semen Bomb" the semen was still warm which almost made us throw up. But as soon as the beer cooled off the cum, he actually didn't taste that bad. We were honestly expecting him to taste the worst—because of his lifestyle—but he was basically as tasty as cum can get. Lex, Victoria and I all agreed.
Jimmy: (Intellectual, Musician, Vegetarian)
Drink: Macho Mojito
Jimmy's "Macho Mojito" was absolute garbage. I don't even know where to begin with how bad this drink was. It was partly because it was poorly mixed, but also the addition of vegetarian cum was... euchhhh. That's all I can describe it as. Sorry Jimmy but you're going to have a hard time finding some regular head until you start eating some meat.
Tony: (Batman fanatic, redhead, heavy smoker)
Drink: Jim & Tonic
Tony's "Jim and Tonic" tasted amazing. It was salty, and a little bit tart. Very smooth and super delicious. His smokey cum was a perfect complementary ingredient to the classic gin and tonic that we all love so much. So, thanks for the recipe Fotie; and congratulations to Tony, for having the tastiest cum of them all.
The night came to a close with plenty of cum puns and dick jokes, all which were hilarious but way too tacky. I left feeling good about myself, which got me thinking that it has to be true that sperm releases endorphins in the female brain and that this "liquid of life" is actually amazing. I highly suggest hosting your own Semenology party, because nothing is more fun than drinking your friends' cum.
Playing with semen is not all fun and games. I would like to add that you can still contract STI's from drinking semen, even mixed in a cocktail. A good rule to stick by—if you want to have your own cocktail party—is never drink anyone's semen unless you can verify that they're clean. Also, don't jizz in your friends drinks without them knowing. This should be reserved for consenting consumers only.
Please enjoy responsibly.
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