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Rio Olympics

Everything You Missed at the Olympics While You Were Obsessed With Ryan Lochte Pissing on a Gas Station

Recapping a wild day of Olympic action that featured actual sports, not just Ryan Lochte's urinary habits.

by Sean Newell
Aug 18 2016, 9:51pm

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

So, the Olympics are actually still going on. It sounds weird to say, since we've all been caught up in the story of Ryan Lochte's made-up robbery-as-cover-for-peeing-on-a-gas-station story, possibly the weirdest and most unnecessary story of all time. But it's true, there are other events going on. Medals were even awarded! So, let's get you caught up to sPEEd. [SOMEONE TRY AND STOP ME FROM DOING THIS, I DARE YOU]

  • Ashton Eaton built his lead in the decathlon, coming in fourth in the pole vault and adding a second place showing in the 110m hurdles. He has the javelin and 1500m remaining later this evening.
  • You might have heard that the Women's 4X100m relay team was initially disqualified for dropping the baton, but then they successfully appealed the DQ and will race tonight to see if they can beat China's time of 42.70, something China is not at all happy about. Tune in tonight to see if Allyson Felix and Co. make tomorrow's final.
  • Kerron Klement earned another gold for the United States with a win in the men's 400m hurdles. And no one even fell so, really, it was a win for everyone.
  • There was even a little bit of history being made while you all were watching pisstory being made. Sakshi Malik became the first woman from India to win a medal in wrestling, and only the fourth Indian woman to win a medal, period. She bested Aisuluu Tynybekova of Kyrgyzstan for the bronze medal in the freestyle event.
  • There's BMX at the Olympics! Who knew? There was a pretty gnarly crash in whatever event this is and the Dutch rider had to limp his way across the finish line while carrying his now unicycle.
  • Next up at the Games, we have—

—Seriously, though, how crazy is this Lochte story??? We really need to step back and take stock of just how loopy the past couple of days have been. I mean, It's actually impressive how badly they bungled the unbungleable. This is an insane story that has no business even existing! Credit where it's due.

Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger, and Jimmy Feigen were drunk and fucked up a gas station bathroom, pissed on a gas station, and then half of them took off into the night, while the other two had to deal with security guards with guns trained on them. Which, sure, that's bad, but not international incident bad. It may have been avoidable, or at least containable, but then the wheels fell of the wagon when Fox Sports Australia got the scoop and spoke to Lochte's mom and she passed along her son's bullshit story to her.

Mom: Ryan, are you OK?

Ryan: Jeah.

Mom: You don't sound OK. Did something happen?

Ryan: Well, jeah, kinda.

Mom: What was it?

Ryan: Our cab stopped to get gas and we were mugged by guys with guns and knives.

Mom: They had guns??

Ryan: Jeah.

Mom: And knives?!?

Ryan: ...Jeah.

Mom: Did you get hurt—is everyone OK?

Ryan: Jeah, we're all fine. Just a little shaken up.

So that story spread like wildfire because it was Ryan Lochte and guns in Rio. But then the USOC, quoting Lochte, denied the report and the IOC passed the statement along through a statement. The first sign we were in for a weird, weird couple of days. But in your wildest dreams could you ever predict that Ryan Lochte would go on TV with Billy Goddamned Bush and tell a completely made-up story?

The answer is "no." No one could have predicted that, and that is why this is the story that keeps on giving. You really have to admire Lochte's commitment to this bit of fiction he created—which we learned today when his teammates rolled on him—in front of the Lord and Billy Bush. The details are incredible. Police began to poke holes in the story, saying they could not track down the cab involved, nor could any of the guys remember the color, or make, or driver. But they remained resolute, even in the face of mounting scrutiny and an order from a Brazilian judge to seize the passports of Lochte and Jimmy Feigen.

One of the great things about this story is that Lochte just up and peaced out on his teammates leaving them to deal with fallout of the harebrained story he masterminded. Which, hilariously incorporated the very gas station they were trying to avoid anyone finding out about! Think about that for a second. You're freaking out because you're a high-profile guy who just found himself in a shitty situation at a gas station. What do you do? Invent a story where you were...robbed at a gas station, drawing the eyes of the world, including police, to the scene of the crime you are trying keep people away from. Incredible.

Then Lochte's oafish attorney doubled-down and basically called Brazil a third-world country: "The country has a dark cloud over it for a million and one reasons, from their economy to their crime to their management of the Olympics...My client has cooperated thoroughly with the Brazilian authorities and stands behind his statement."

That surely helped.

With Lochte safely on American soil, teammates Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger tried to join him, but they were yanked off their flight by Brazilian authorities. Then ABC broke the story of the altercation at the gas station and things quickly spun out of control. Bentz and Conger flipped on Lochte and said the robbery story was fabricated and it was Lochte's idea. Pictures and videos began to emerge of the four swimmers at the gas station. Then the police told us what really happened: they pissed all over the place and destroyed the bathroom and fought with a security guard—

  • —Next up in our Rio rundown, Adeline Gray was bounced in the quarterfinals, but 24-year-old Helen Maroulis earned the United States its first ever Olympic gold medal in women's wrestling with a stunning upset over legendary Japanese wrestler, and three-time defending Olympic champion Saori Yoshida.
  • George Karl got lost on his way to the Team USA yacht, apparently: