Image via u/Nitrox911 on Reddit 

Analyzing Lego Porn, the Fetish That Will Ruin Your Childhood

The web is full of brick-on-brick action.

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Sep 3 2018, 4:54am

Image via u/Nitrox911 on Reddit 

“If something exists, there is porn of it:” Welcome to Rule 34, a weekly column in which Motherboard’s Samantha Cole lovingly explores the highly specific fetishes that can be found on the web. If you’ve thought of it, someone’s jerked off to it.

The links and videos in this article may be considered NSFW.

Kids smushing dolls and action figures together in vaguely erotic ways can be part of developing and maturing into a sexual human being. Some of those kids grew up to keep grinding their Lego minifigures together. In adulthood, they’re stop-motion cinematographers and artists. This is Lego porn.

Agalmatophilia is the sexual attraction to a statue, doll, or other figurative object. Sex dolls and statues would fall under this, too, but I think sexualizing Lego figures is kind of a mix of those two.

The longer you look for Lego porn, the more you see, and the more you see, the more have you wonder what the odds are that someone near and dear to you is consuming Lego-themed fetishism as their kink. There’s a subreddit dedicated to Lego porn with 725 subscribers, and only 15 posts over five years, but it’s quality over quantity—which makes me think a lot more people are consuming than making Lego porn.

There’s the Big Lego Porn Album, a glorious repository of some of the greatest Lego porn, from New Yorker style cartoons of Lego sex workers to tentacle-Lego crossovers. Several of the images are watermarked with drew.corrupt.net, which now redirects to a Japanese-language blog about someone’s toddler, and definitely not hardcore brick fucking. This album has more than 34,000 views.

r/legoporn features a few crossposts from r/bdsm with bricks, which are actually quite artful. Another crossover fandom: Harry Potter.

Maybe their arousal comes from the actual toys. We can’t really know unless we ask.

A lot of Lego porn consists of fan art based on a character from the 2014 Lego Movie named Wyldstyle. It doesn’t take long to unpack why people get off to Wyldstyle, specifically: She’s voiced by Elizabeth Banks, is sassy as hell, and plays the forbidden love interest of the movie’s protagonist. She’s also wearing a leather bodysuit with a full-length front zipper. Come on. She looks like she’d bite your dick off and you’d like it.

Then there are the stop-motion films. YouTuber Kimberly Regan’s “Lego Porn,” uploaded in 2007, is a 70’s-style play on the “delivery guy.” This video’s racked up over a million views. Sometimes, it’s difficult to tell the difference between jokes and parodies of real porn using Legos, and an actual Lego fetish, but this one’s probably the former.

These are all well and good, but the height of the form has to be “French Anal Lego Sluts 7,” a 2008 foreign art film uploaded to Pornhub. The unnamed director added claymation boobs and a penis to the minifigure actors, for extra realism. It’s an artful effort. The Eiffel Tower in the view from the window is a nice touch, too.

In honorable mention, I’d be remiss to leave out Alex Eylar’s body of work: Eylar posed Lego minifigures to reenact porn video comments, with terrible, hilarious results. Not quite “Lego porn,” but definitely within the Lego Porn Universe.

I asked Carolanne Marcantonio, senior sex therapist and co-founder of Wiser Sex Therapy in NYC, to help me analyse Lego porn as a fetish. “Flavors of sexuality are vast and expansive,” she told me in an email. “Some might be positioning the Lego [bricks] in those positions simply because it’s fun and exciting; others might do it because it does arouse them. It might not necessarily be about the Lego [bricks], it could be more about someone exploring humiliation and degradation.”

Read more: Crash the Lego Bugatti

Manipulating human-like figures into sexual or degrading situations might be appealing to enthusiasts, Marcantonio said, as a way to act out what they can’t or won’t do in real life. “There are of course ways to explore that in reality while being safe, sane, and consensual,” she said. “However, not everyone’s ready to take the plunge from playing with toys to actualizing it in reality with a human, and perhaps some of the people playing with Lego don’t really want that. Maybe their arousal comes from the actual toys. We can’t really know unless we ask. Even then it might be unconscious.”

Virtual block-based, Lego-like worlds like Minecraft and Roblox have made it easier than ever to simulate fetishes and sex acts using buildable worlds. It's making "woohoo" in The Sims, but more... square.

I emailed The Lego Group seeking its comment on this fanbase: Why did the toymaker think its product is so appealing to these enthusiasts?

“Thanks for reaching out to us,” a spokesperson for Lego replied. “We have nothing to contribute with in this context as it is not related to us or our focus as a company in any way.”

That’s a bit more buttoned-up than what LEGO spokeswoman Emma Owen told the Daily Star in 2016:

"Every day we see fans building and creating all sorts of projects with LEGO® products. And sometimes, they create something that we ourselves would never do, after all we are a toy brand for children. But that is what LEGO play is all about: That everyone can build anything they can imagine."

If you have a freaky-obscure internet fetish that you’d like to see featured on Rule 34, please submit it to sam@motherboard.tv. No judgement.

This article originally appeared on VICE US.

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