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The DOs & DON'Ts Issue

The VICE Guide to Everything

What the fuck is the matter with people these days? They're walking around, wearing sandals, not paying for shit and talking about their dreams.

by VICE Staff
01 December 2004, 12:00am


Though this issue's conclusive list of DOs & DON'Ts was written by VICE contributors, the contents were actually relayed to us by God and the Devil. If you don't believe us, then why do we have a picture of them that we took at their house? Eh?

What the fuck is the matter with people these days? They're walking around, wearing sandals, not paying for shit and talking about their dreams. Don't they know the rules? It's time we write a definitive guide to everything in the world, a list of DOs & DON'Ts that people can reference seriously and systematically for the rest of their lives.

Conversation
We're sitting in a bar last night and some middle-class penis in a plaid shirt and pleated pants comes up to us and says, "Hey guys, I'm Don. Got a minute?" Then he tells us that he just got back with a girl he had originally lost because he "took her for granted." When we angrily asked why we should give a shit, he was shocked. He didn't understand what our problem was and pointed out that he was being "sweet." "I'm usually an asshole," he added. We told him that assholes are a lot more interesting than self-indulgent "me me me" shitheads like him, but all he could say was things like "I'm just reaching out. I'm not known for reaching out." The more we gave him shit for talking about himself, the more he defended himself by talking about himself. What are we, therapists? Don't people know the basic laws of conversation?
 

1. Don't talk about yourself.

DOs & DON'Ts GREATEST HITS

Who the fuck are these people? Are they five years old? Do they have a fort under the stairs and curse the streetlights for coming on because it means bedtime? Do they "hate Craig's guts"?

Fuck racial stereotypes, m'man. If you are hungry for some juicy melons, buy as many as you want and eat them without shame. Don't let those liberal white-boy academics tell you what your food means.

Why did he do that? Why would he sit there with a brush maniacally brushing his hair until it looks like the worst white hairdo there is? Why don't you wear one of those stupid scrunched-up cowboy hats while you're at it, dude?

We told this guy that there's nothing better than a really hairy bush, just so he'd make a face like that.
  If you want to start out a conversation by talking about yourself, it better involve the rest of us pretty damn fast or we're going to tune out. You're "usually an asshole" but now you're being "sweet"? OK, ask us what we are and which is a better type of person to be. Let's have a debate about it. We would argue that even George W. Bush is nice if you meet him face to face, and then you could try to defend niceness by talking about this cruel planet we live on or something. Eventually, we would all come to a conclusion about how assholes are actually nicer than nice people because at least they care enough to be sincere and whatever, whatever. The important thing is, once we got off the topic of you and made it more general, we would have an overall conclusion from which everyone could glean something.

A conversation is supposed to go: anecdote about you, then anecdote about me, then anecdote about him, then we all get together and come up with a general conclusion that unites all our anecdotes into one big summation about human nature.

2. Don't ask a question just so she will ask you the same thing. 
When a guy wants to talk about himself, he'll do this thing where he asks the girl a question he secretly wants to be asked. For example, if he wants to tell her how cute he was when he was an angry young man, he'll ask, "What did it say on the back of your leather jacket when you were punk?" Then, while she sits there saying, "Well, I didn't really have a leather jacket with stuff on it when I was into punk. I would just wear a black sweatshirt," etc. But he's not even listening because he's too busy thinking, "Yeah, yeah, whatever, when is she going to stop talking so I can tell her how mine said ‘If you're not angry you're part of the problem'?"

3. Don't talk about your dreams. 
Nobody cares about your dreams, you asshole. "It wasn't really my dad. It was, like, a composite of my dad and Owen Wilson, and we were going on this road trip but there were bees everywhere…" Can you go fill up a syringe of care juice so I can shoot it in my veins, please? How am I supposed to stay awake to hear a made-up story that you didn't even consciously make up and you don't even really remember? Maybe if one of us was in the fucking thing, we could while away the time psychoanalyzing the meaning of the dream and what it meant about our relationship, but shit, talking about your dreams is worse than talking about yourself. You weren't even really there, for fuck's sake.

4. Don't talk about your job.
"What do you do?" is the lamest and most boring question there is. Asking people about their jobs means they are defined by what they do, and it's not 1950, so fuck off. The worst part is when people actually answer it and start getting into the nuances of their job and how they totally nailed that proposal and how everyone knows it but Gordon. Dude, I don't care if your job is battling Argonauts. We don't want to hear it. The only people who have jobs exciting enough to talk about are sick of talking about their exciting jobs so, by definition, job talk has got to go. If that means knowing someone for days without knowing what they do, so be it. What's wrong with that? Are you so shallow you need to know everyone's job before you can like them?

5. Don't ask what "ethnic background" (what a gay term) people are. 
Basically, it's the same as the above DON'T. Why do you have to know what fucking "ethnic background" a girl is before you talk to her? Is she fresh off the boat? No, she's not, she's from Detroit, and so what your question is really asking is "Why do your eyes look weird?"

6. Don't talk about your kids.
There was this question in "The Ethicist" once where the lady goes, "My daughter is so smart and beautiful I almost feel that it's unethical to introduce her to other people. I'm worried it's going to give them impossible expectations for their own children. Is it ethical to let them meet my daughter?" Dear parents of the world, YOUR KIDS ARE FUCKING BORING! Why did you bring them to this dinner party anyway? You knew they were going to take over every conversation by waddling too close to the stairs and forcing everyone to get up from their chairs and go, "Oooh, careful, Moses." (What kind of name is Moses, anyway? Do you want him to get wedgied?)

Look, it's simple: Your family is your own personal business. Your mom is the world's greatest mom, true, but so is mine. What are we going to do, get into a debate about it? It's private. Now, if you insist on bringing up a topic like what a selfish bastard your brother is, we can do that but, as with any "me" topic, we have to spread it around. For example, we could break it down like this: Your brother's selfish and you're not. Your father's selfish and your mother isn't. Looks like you got the mom genes and he got the dad genes. Maybe personality traits can be passed down like any other physical feature. All right, let's compare others at the table and see which sibling got which parent's gene. Hey, we're seeing a pattern here. It seems that…what? Oh wait, shit, where's Moses? "Oh cute, he's playing with the doggie, awwww," and just like that, there goes the only bearable conversation of the whole night. The only thing I want to talk about now is abortion.

7. Don't talk about the weather.
If someone starts talking about the weather for more than, say, a minute, you have to interrupt them and say, "I'm sorry, I don't do weather." Other topics that are not allowed anymore are 9/11, "hipsters" (no more even using that word), punk episodes of TV shows (punk CHiPs, punk Quincy, etc.), and Vice magazine.

8. Don't talk about your pets.
Bad news, lonely person: He's not saying, "What are you doing sitting in Mommy's chair?" He's saying, "Food, territory, sex, fuck, food, food, territory, food." It's a fucking animal. And why are you correcting me when I call it a "she" when it's actually a "he"? Oh sorry, did I hurt your dog's feelings? Is he going to have a complex now and start thinking he's a fag? There's nothing masculine or feminine about something that eats its own shit, lady. It's a glorified bug concerned with one thing: the food source. Animals are stupid, all right? That's why we eat them. So stop talking like your nutrient-worshipping personality slave has any kind of relevance outside your sad existence. Nobody cares.

9. Don't talk about astrology.
What? You actually believe in that horseshit? Have you ever tested it out? Tell someone you're a sign that you aren't and see if they go, "Hmm, that's strange. You seem a lot more like a Scorpio" or whatever you really are. Astrology is a stupid person's desperate attempt to impose order on a world they feel is totally beyond their control. It is a science for people too lazy and uneducated to understand real science. If someone says, "What sign are you?" you should hear "Get the fuck out of here. I'm crazy."

Oh, and that thing where you go "I'm sorry, but I'm psychic" is for babies. You are not psychic. You are a person who remembers strange things more than you remember boring things. That's called "selective memory" or "trying to appear special."

10. Don't say "remember when?"
When you reunite with an old friend it's verboten to sit there going, "Remember when I accidentally shot you with a BB gun?" or "Remember when your dog barfed in my hair?" Those are OK stories and everything, but you're saying that those old times were way better than the time you're having right now and that means that there's no real reason you two should be meeting again. Either have new times or let the past stay as it was and never meet again.

You know the worst kind of violation of this rule? When some guy brings his girlfriend to the reunion and the two guys sit there talking about how crazy they were while the girl is forced to endure this puffed-up version of her boyfriend's past. Ewww, the old friend will even pull out an old nickname and say to her, "We used to call this guy ‘The Wolf,' because he could get out of any situation. There'd be, like, 10 guys ready to kick our ass, and he'd have, you know, two dates that were all pissed with each other, and then, before you knew it, The Wolf would have everyone over to his place for a party. It was awesome."

There, that's not so hard, is it? There's still plenty of good shit you can talk about. Is your relationship going badly? Let's hear about it. Did your girlfriend come home early and find you with a whore? By all means, let's have it. Did you fuck a girl in the ass and get so much poo on your dick it looked like an elf shoe when you pulled it out? Yes, dude, let the beans spill. Gossiping is also a great thing. As long as the story actually happened, you can embellish all you want. You can even cut out the middleman and replace the hero of the story with you. Go nuts. Hey, let's talk shit about people. If some really evil things fall in the woods and the person you're talking about never hears what you said, it never made a sound. As Winston Churchill taught us: "What people say about me behind my back is none of my business."

Actually, you know what? Fuck this. You need to know a lot more shit. You need to know the DOs & DON'Ts of everything.


Dos & Dont's - Neighborhood Veterans
Do not stand around smoking, talking about how the Lower East Side was "back in the day." Last night, our friend was in front of local bar Max Fish and some guy standing next to her went, "I can't believe cabs are looking for fares on this street!" Our friend said, "What, Ludlow Street?" And he said, "Yeah, back in the day no cabs would drive down here...but you're probably not from around here." For the record, the Lower East Side used to be a gigantic heroin den where people died every five minutes. If you think that's so cool, why don't you go join them all by killing yourself?

                Dos and Dont's Greatest Hits This is something we like to call "Only in Quebec." Only in a nation where people have been receiving three decades of free grant money to promote their own culture, no matter how lame that culture is, could you have this French clown not even kidding.

It's good to see old-time Southerners up in New York DJing and having fun with the kids. It kind of shows we're all in the same boat and we all know how to have a party time.

"Hot" guys have got to go. Check out their megalomaniacal obsession with accessories. They buy their diaries from Urban Outfitters, love car magazines, watch Six Feet Under, never miss a baseball game, and get moody every 28 days. They are faggot wimps, dumb bitches, and douchebag jocks all in one.

Dos & Don'ts - Racial Ears
Don't freak out if a person of a different race doesn't react to you like someone from your race would. Be aware that blacks and whites (in America, at least) have different techniques for showing that they are listening closely to what you are saying. Whites will nod and say little things like "Really?" while blacks will simply look you in the eye and give you their full attention.

Dos & Don'ts - Saying "Nigger"
Contrary to popular belief, white people can say "nigger." The trick is how they say it. Black people have a special frequency oscilloscope in their ears that can decipher whether the "nigger" that was uttered was a racial slur or just a rude comedy term. If you want to know which one you just said, you have to ask them.

Dos & Don'ts - Haterade
Never accuse someone of being a "hater" when they have a differing opinion on a song, an artwork, or an idea. Whatever happened to genuinely not liking something? "Hater" implies a level of jealousy, but I am not jealous of The Rapture, wristbands, or Sex and the City. I simply don't like them.

Dos & Don'ts - Your Favorite Movie
Do try to keep in mind that the reason you love a particular movie or CD is probably not because it is a universal classic for all humanity, but because it appeals to your personal peculiarities. Stop trying to bully us into liking what you like. Oh, and don't try to force your tastes on your girlfriend or boyfriend. The reason you are sexually attracted to that person is because she or he is different from you. Those differences include pop-culture tastes.

Dos & Don'ts - Music
Don't talk about music. Nobody cares what you listen to. It's nice that The Clash "changed your life," but save it for your grandkids. The one exception to this rule is a bit of nerding out if you are up at 5 a.m. coking out to records. Even in that situation, however, use music talk sparingly.

Dos & Don'ts - Cool Kids
You should not say "cool kids," especially if by "cool kids" you mean people you admire and respect who won't talk to you because you suck. But even if you mean something else, don't say "cool kids."

Dos & Don'ts - Jokes
Don't tell every joke you think of. Just don't be that person with a million zany jokes, because he is a walking variety show and people inch away from him at parties. His girlfriend of three years hurt him really badly, but he's just won the Emerging Comics of New York Award and, slowly, it's been getting better.

Dos & Don'ts - Old Standards
Do have approximately 10 funny things that you know will bring the house down. "Routines" is what comedians call them. Like, if a really popular song is playing in the bar, say, "I can't believe they're playing this demo. My voice sounds like shit on this mix. Do you like it? This is a super-rough mix and after it gets compressed it will probably sound a lot better." If you do this during a Rolling Stones song and the person thinks you're serious, X that person.

Dos & Don'ts - Stealing from English-as-a-Second-Language Speakers
Try scowling and saying, "Do you know what I'm talking about?" when you mean "Know what I am saying?" We knew an exchange student who did that, and it ruled. Asking if people want to "make a party" is good too.

Dos & Don'ts - Choosing Your Battles
Don't argue politics with your neighbors, coworkers, or other people you need to get along with. Calling somebody an idiot for liking Bush is what the Internet is for. Besides, political arguments are better in emails because you get time to do your research and you can provide links to all your points.

Dos & Don'ts - I Heart NY
Don't compare cities, especially New York and L.A., because New York is better in every way. There is no comparison whatsoever. Most cities suck, but if you're with your best friends, even in a shithole like Cleveland, you will probably have a fucking blast.

Dos & Don'ts - Copping Out
Do not try to talk about shit you don't know about and then, when you are called out on your bullshit, say, "Everything is just bullshit anyways."

Dos & Don'ts - Sports Fans
If you insist on talking about some game you like, don't use the word "we," as in "We're losing 10 to 7," or especially, "We're winning," or, "If only we had a left-handed pitcher who could get someone out." We, huh? You and the general manager are going to sit down and tackle that at some point in the near future? No. YOU are not. You get to witness a team full of transient millionaires compete in a game in which, no matter how hard you wish, wear your special hat, or cry, you have ZERO to do with the outcome. You aren't on the team. You aren't a paid consultant to the team. You're a fan of the team. Would you apply this shit to a band? Like, "I know Garcia has been dead for about eight years, but who are we gonna get to replace him?" or "How many dates are we touring?" or "Man, we played a kickass show last night." NO, you would never do that. Or even a favorite porn star? "We gotta dance in Lubbock. That's where we can earn the big dollars. Let's shake our tits. Boy, we really sucked that cock last night. God, I love it when we get a hot blast of cum on our implants."

Dos & Don'ts - Shots
If someone buys you a shot, you have to do it, no matter what. If you're too hungover or the bar is about to close, you can pretend to do it by throwing it over your shoulder, but if you get caught that person has the right to never speak to you again. It is also considered good form to match your friend shot-for-shot. This is a matter of not asking your buddy to do something you wouldn't do yourself.

Dos & Don'ts - Karaoke
There are some very basic rules to karaoke:

1. Do not hog the mic. Try to sing a number of songs proportionate to how many people are there; if there are three people, you should be singing one-third of the songs. This applies to shy people, too. Don't go to karaoke if you don't want to sing.
2. Pay your way. I don't care how little you sing or how you didn't even want to come out tonight. If you are there for even a minute, you are part of the problem. As soon as you walk in the door, you better be prepared to shell out about $20 for the night.
3. No slow jams. They are buzzkills.
4. Only sing songs that you actually know. We're not here to watch you try and figure out lyrics. Rap is next to impossible to do, so you better have heard it about 10,000 times before you choose it as a karaoke jam.
5. Sing it as the guy. If you do Prince, try to sound like Prince. If you do Springsteen's "I'm on Fire," you better hoarse up your voice so it sounds right.
6. Only one person on the mic at a time. If you want to sing along, do it without a mic. The only time other people are allowed to pick up the mic is during the chorus. This is an especially hard rule to follow during Oasis and U2, but sorry dude, that's why there's rules.
7. Finally, if you are karaokeing in one of those private rooms with a karaoke rig that has a remote control, NEVER utilize the "Delete" button on said remote until you have figured out who chose the song in question and confirmed with them that they will abdicate the song. This exchange will usually take no more than five seconds.

Dos & Don'ts - Drinking
Ideally, men only drink beer. That way, when you are kind enough to get a round, you don't have a bunch of L.A. faggots saying, "I'll have a raspberry vodka with a splash of Citron and a fucking lime" or whatever. How are we supposed to remember five woman drinks? "Five Buds for five buds" is all we should have to remember.

Women, on the other hand, can drink whatever the fuck they want. They look like fun tomboys when they drink beer and they look like classy broads when they drink Tom Collins, so the whole spectrum is great news (go bananas).

Dos & Don'ts - One Night On, One Night Off
One of the oldest roadie rules of survival is never party two nights in a row. You have to stay in and recover every second night. If your girlfriend still thinks this is too much, you may tell her to fuck off. The day after your recovery, you should be getting some kind of exercise or something because you are a fat piece of shit.

Dos & Don'ts - Smokes
Always let people bum smokes, no matter how many you have left. It is a fucking cigarette, and it's the principle of the thing we're talking about here.

Ds & Don'ts - Drugs
If you aren't at work, smoke weed whenever you want. But you are not allowed to go around telling everyone how stoned you are. That's for 13-year-olds.

As we've said before, no bumps of coke after 4:30 a.m.

Prior to age 25, it is OK to have one night of dabbling with heroin every six months. After 25, no more getting down with the brown. You'll just look like a gross old junkie the next day. You can switch to pills for your every-six-months opiate indulgence until you have kids. Then you never get to relax again until you're a senior citizen.

Dos & Don'ts - Random Dudes
Girls: Don't be rude to guys who come up to you even somewhat respectfully in bars. They're only doing it because they think you are pretty.

Do engage with maniacs who bare their souls to you at parties. If someone tells you how his mother died of pancreatic cancer, ask a million questions. What did it feel like? What did the room she died in smell like? Don't be struck dumb and usually it will even out within five minutes. Before you know it, he's telling you how he hates cheap watches.

Dos & Don'ts - Never Say Never
Don't ever say no to a reasonable invitation to do something that might be fun. This is a WASP rule, and one of the reasons why rich white people rule the planet.

Dos & Don'ts - Drunk Partners
It's always risky to whisper to your boy/girl that they're waaay too drunk and maybe they should go home from the bar where everybody is laughing at them.

All you're going to get in response is: "Get the fuck off meeee, bitch. You don't know what it's like." Then they will bring up all kinds of shit they never wanted to bring up before, like how their mother hates you. If they do this, the best way to handle it is NOT to start screaming back at them. You just maintain a calm face, shrug your shoulders at the people around you, and hope that one of them is your buddy and will help you out. His or your friends are much better at getting your drunken piece-of-shit boyfriend to go home than you are.

Dos & Don'ts - Hosting
If you have a party, you have to pay for everything. If you can't afford to pay for booze, you have to make it very clear during the invite and apologize the whole time. Also, a host should be constantly worried that people aren't having a good time. He has to say, "Don't worry about it," if something gets broken, and he has to clean up everything all by himself. Same with having people over for dinner. Guests may not do any dishes. The most they will be allowed to do is carry their plates to the kitchen. Same goes for threesomes. If you set it up, you have to make sure everyone's taken care of.

Dos & Don'ts - Time to Leave
Maybe the reason this party's turned "gay" and all the music's turned down isn't because everybody's "boring." It's probably because they want you to leave. Don't start saying outrageous bullshit like "So what's your favorite race of people and your worst race of people?" to provoke a reaction. Just fucking go home. Outstaying your welcome is one of the world's biggest DON'Ts.

Dos & Don'ts - Selling Cocaine
Being a coke dealer can play on your conscience, so if one of your customers starts ordering 20 grams a week for themselves and you can see they're starting to fall to pieces, just tell them you're going on holiday. Now it's going to be a bit tougher for them to get their blow. It's also going to be easier for them to slow down, and you won't lose your trade altogether like you would have if you'd refused to sell them any or given them a big speech.

Remember, a good clientele is one of the most important things a drug dealer can possess. If your best customers start dying, then all their friends (who're probably customers, as well) will hate you.

Also, if you're a coke dealer and you've been selling to the same person for ages, it never hurts to give them a free one every so often. And the "no credit" rule is a rule that you shouldn't stick to if you don't want to be replaced by the 878 different dealers who live in the same square mile as you. One or two free bags or a credit note every six months isn't going to kill you.

Dos & Don'ts - Exploiting Addict Friends
If a friend has a problem with a serious drug like crack or heroin, you can't ask them to score that stuff for you when you're drunk. Even if they've done it once or twice before, it's not cool. You know when you think, "Ah, fuck it, let's ring them and get them to score," and you call about four times a day? Even though they're saying, "OK, man, yeah, I'll sort it out later," they actually mean "I'm having a big problem with this, and I don't want to do it."

DOs & DON'Ts GREATEST HITS

Ever since Ashanti went all Grease on us in that Ja Rule video, there are all these black hip-hop chicks dressing like Sandy. They combine the goody-two-shoes part with the slut-at-the-end part, and the result is the whole reason God invented boners.

"You know, the fascinating thing is that magic was considered ‘the work of sorcerers' a few hundred years ago. If you were caught even making an egg disappear (which I just did) you would have your hair burnt off and your hands blackened. Now, people would kill to see a good musician––I mean, magician, but they can't... Hello!? Are you even fucking listening to me?"

Fuck wearing loose pants. If you've got a good quality bulge, let it show. Why are women the only ones who get to show off their shiznit?

Dos & Don'ts—Nightclub Drug Deals
When you're at a party or club and you're about to buy some ecstasy from the only dealer you can find, don't ask him if the pills are any good because he's not going to say, "They're rubbish, mate. I don't know what's in them. Save your money if I were you." Try to conceal your desperation—it's always a seller's market in these situations. That shifty-looking guy is not your friend, and even though he said he'd be around all night since he's having such a great time selling shitty drugs to idiots, don't be surprised if you never see him again.

Dos & Don'ts - Cheating
You can only cheat in the first six months of a relationship. The No. 1 rule of this is, the mistress has to know you have a girlfriend. Of course, it's difficult to court a girl when you're taken so what you have to say is "We have an open relationship but it's disrespectful to shove it in her face so let's try to keep it on the DL." If you get caught cheating, the only thing you have to remember is deny, deny, deny.

Dos & Don'ts - Farting
Girls can never fart, no matter what. If they feel they have one coming on, they have to go the bathroom with a pack of matches. They can also never openly admit to pooing. That means running the taps when it comes out and NEVER walking into the bathroom with a magazine. Boys can fart in front of girls after six months of dating or 100 fucks (whichever comes first).

Dos & Don'ts - Strip Clubs
Your boyfriend is allowed to go to a strip club once a week. After that, it gets weird. Also, if you're only getting fucked when he's been out to strip clubs all night, it's a sign of something very bad. If he adheres to the once-a-week rule, he is allowed to get lap dances and champagne room and whatever he wants. Just don't talk about it.

Dos & Don'ts - Getting Your Man a Beer
A woman always has to get her man a beer. Not at a bar, that would be ridiculous, but at home or at a party, she should always make sure he has a Bud in his hand. At a bar, the opposite is true. A man always has to procure a woman a drink. He has to get up and get it and he has to pay for it. Sucks when you're broke, but if she's worth her salt she'll cut you some slack and buy a round or two.

Dos & Don'ts - Dating
You're not allowed to date someone your friend dated—ever. By the same token, you are never allowed to date your ex's friends. If you want to go out with a girl but you kind of know her ex-boyfriend, that's fine. Just don't expect to be friends with him ever again.

Dos & Don'ts - Male/Female Friendships
A man in a relationship cannot have pretty female friends. It is inappropriate for a guy in a relationship to go to a movie with a girl who is more than a 7 out of 10. It is perfectly acceptable to go to a movie with a fat ugly girl. He can even stay at her house overnight. Women may not have any male friends at all (except fags).

Dos & Don'ts - Being Pussy-Whipped
If you are doing things you don't want to do more than 50% of the time, you are pussy-whipped. There's a fine line between being a caring boyfriend and being whipped, so the only way to know for sure is to ask your friends. As a general rule, if there are things you are "not allowed" to do, you are whipped. Other indications include: you are expected to provide foot massages, you sincerely like her friends, you divide the housework evenly, you divide the cooking evenly, you're worried she's mad at you, you talk about her hair.

Dos & Don'ts - Fighting
If your girlfriend or boyfriend starts a fight with you, leave the room and don't come back for 24 hours. If it's something really worth arguing about, the argument will still be there the next day. As a rule, men who are angry with each other will keep it to themselves for seven days. If they still feel the same way by the end of the week, they will bring it up in a calm, controlled manner.

You are allowed to slap a woman in the face approximately once a year. She has to be completely hysterical, though, and she has to thank you for it the next day.

Dos & Don'ts - Family
The second you ejaculate into a woman, you have to start thinking about how you're going to pay for its education. If your parents don't happily pay for all your education, they are stupid gaylords. No matter how poor you are. They're also supposed to help you start a business and pay for the wedding and help you buy a house. Of course, once they get too old to live normally, you have to take them in. Old-age homes are not cool.

Dos & Don'ts - Babies
After college, girls have to decide if they want babies or a career. If you think you're going to be a graphic designer and then stop everything at 36, find the right guy, have the baby, and then go back to your career when the kid starts pre-school, you are sadly mistaken. Your eggs are shit at 36. Don't get mad at us, it's God's fault. So if you don't want to be a lonely spinster who watches Sex and the City like it's on fire, get over careers and find a reliable man.

P.S. Careers aren't that great anyways; it's not all golf and strip clubs, it's mostly putting out fires and worrying about lawyers.

Dos & Don't s - Assimilating
When you move to a new city, you have to go on walking tours and rent DVDs about it and stuff like that. You have to know about it so when your parents visit you can say things like "That's the house where Ben Franklin signed the Statue of Liberty." If you move to a new country, you have to like it. That means learning the language, speaking it at home, and not minding if your daughter marries one of them. Does that mean you can't wear your turban if you become a New York City cop? 'Fraid so.

Dos & Don'ts - Dreams are Free, Motherfucker
Don't hate your boyfriend for thinking about fucking other people. First off: People imagine doing all sorts of things without ever really wanting to do them. These include kicking the boss in the nuts or setting a bum on fire. Plus, a relationship wouldn't be worth anything if it weren't hard work. It's hard not to fuck everything you want, but it is impossible not to think about it. Thinking is not doing.

Secondly: Do you really think he will ever meet Scarlett Johansson, much less be able to pick her up if does?

Dos & Don'ts - Their Friend is 10 Times Cuter
Even if you are on the most boring, total-mistake date of your whole life, there is absolutely no way that you should start flirting with your date's hot-friend-you-just-bumped-into. Even if you're on a first date with a burn victim wearing a Disneyland baseball cap and her best pal turns out to be Princess Beautiful Millionaire, do not start flirting with the friend. You will only alienate both of them. If the friend is worth anything above a frog dick she will encourage your desperation until you go to the bathroom or the bar, and then she will disappear, leaving you with the piece-of-shit date and a taste in your mouth worse than used rape swabs. Most importantly, you don't want to risk blowing whatever chance you had of fucking the hot friend nine months later at the same bar when the two friends have drifted apart. Be patient.

Dos & Don'ts - Creepy Guys
Late at night on a deserted street, a guy shouldn't walk close behind a girl he doesn't know. Crossing to the other side of the street and walking parallel with her is particularly gentlemanly. It shows you aren't a threat but you are there for her in case a bad man shows up.

Dos & Don'ts - No Babies in Your Fifth-Floor Walk-Up
Unless you are rich, once you have a baby, it's time to start planning to move out of the city to a house with a yard in a suburb with good schools. Yes, you are turning into your parents. Deal with it.

Dos & Don'ts - Babies (and Jews) on the Plane
Why are you taking your baby to Miami? To meet Grandma? Can she not just come here instead? Babies are only babies for a little while, so you can abstain from traveling for a year or two, all right? We're trying to sleep off a hangover over here.

Also, Hasids, can you put your hand over your fucking mouth when you're coughing? Just because there's no chapter on it in the Torah doesn't mean you don't have to do it. While we're on it, why were you fanatically praying when we took off? Did you have to remind God not to kill us? Was he considering it and then he heard you and changed his mind? What is he, a huge invisible kid playing with toy planes and crashing them into each other while making sound effects with his giant mouth?

Dos & Don'ts - Something About Mary
Girls who like to hang out at the driving range, talk pro football, and scarf corn dogs (like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary) may sound like fun, but unless you are QB Brett Favre, you probably aren't man enough to get her interested in you (if she's interested in men at all).

Dos & Don'ts - Done is Done
Even if you try your hardest to be civil to each other after a long relationship, you have to get over the fact that no matter how in love you were, you split up for a reason and now you're both fucking other people and things'll never be the same again. If you're still on good terms and you're introduced to your replacement (big mistake), then it'll just freak everyone out, regardless of how polite everyone is trying to be, because what you really want to do is ask, "How the fuck can you be sleeping with him/her?" and it'll end in tears.

Dos & Don'ts - Fuck-Frequency
In the first year of a relationship, you have to do it at least four times a week. Second year it goes down to three. From the third year to the fifth year, you have to do it at least twice a week. After that, it's once a week until you get married, then it's never (seriously).

Dos & Don'ts - Fooling Around With Your Friends
There are some very simple guidelines for this:
1. Don't do it. You can't go below the belt and not have things get weird.

2. If you absolutely must horse around, never go home with them. Fool around at parties or bars, so when you go home it's like nothing happened.

3. The next day, call your friend and make light of what happened, so when you see them it's not weird.

Dos & Don'ts - Duration
No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you're going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work!

Dos & Don'ts - Swallowing Cum on the First Date
Only fags and desperate sluts swallow on the first date. To most men, it reeks of desperation and a desire to "own" a part of that person forever. Plus, swallowing is overrated. It's much raunchier, healthier, and emotionally attractive to finish him off on your tits, letting a tiny silver dewdrop of cum go on your chin or something.

Also, if any cum goes on the guy, it's better to offer him an old shirt off the floor than to leave him to shuffle awkwardly to the bathroom on his own.

Dos & Don'ts - Shaving
Women have to shave their pits and their legs and the bush has to be kept in a triangular shape no larger than half the size of a potato. No pussy hairs are permitted around or below the bottom third of the lips. All men have to do is keep their face from becoming a huge beard. Sounds shitty if you're female, but women get to give life. Men don't get to do that. Plus, men have to pay for everything forever.

Dos & Don'ts - Mean Sex
Men got so scared of all that "No Means No" LUG (lesbian until graduation) talk, they fuck like babies now. Here's the new rules: One "no" means "Meh, I don't know"; two "no"s means "Maybe"; three "no"s means "No."

There are some really weird girls out there (usually ones who got fucked by their dad) that want to be faux raped. Here's the deal for them: You do the struggling thing until you're starting to get weirded out, then you lie on your back and don't move. If she puts her hand on your leg that means the struggle was a game and you can get back to work. If she says, "What's the matter with you?" you fucked up real bad. Sometimes you don't really know if you pushed it too far until the next day. Best to go out for breakfast and see what's up.

Also, horsing around with a girl who is so drunk she cannot speak is rape. So is beating off next to her when she's passed out. I mean, it's not as bad as the guy in the alleyway with a ski mask, but it's up there.

Dos & Don'ts - Reaming Your Girlfriend
It's fun to hate-fuck your girlfriend (that doesn't mean forcible entry, it means you fuck her like a dirty animal and pretend in your head she hates you) but she's not really into getting reamed from behind every single time. The deal is you have to make love to her three out of four times. That leaves about one time a week you get to bang the living shit out of her like she's a disgusting whore (is it normal to have a boner right now?).

DOs & DON'Ts GREATEST HITS

What is the difference between Ghetto Fabulous and dressing up like a fucking clown? Seriously, I really want to know.

This guy kept whining to us, saying, "This better not be a DON'T." Dude, what are you afraid of? You look like a cavity creep's worst nightmare. Why would we make fun of someone who rides around our mouths kicking the living shit out of plaque?

OK, DUDE! I don't know about the guys who are playing soccer with you. Maybe they are blind. Maybe they are so into the sport they don't care who's playing it, but shit, I fucking care. Look at you. You little Riki-Tiki-Tavi in blue trunks, mongoosing all over the place like a Julian Lennon video. It's not Nazi Germany, don't get me wrong, but COME THE FUCK ON! Can we have a semblance of humanity? Why don't you just put on some harlequin face paint while you're at it? FUCK!


Dos & Don'ts - Strapping It On
No matter what Dan Savage says, if you let your girlfriend fuck you in the ass with a strap-on, you are not "experimenting," you are "gay."

Dos & Don'ts - Dirty Old Men
Gents over 30! Do you realize that the 18-year-old girl that you are dating makes you look like the biggest creep in the world? All decent men hate you. And how can you live with constantly checking your bald patch in the bathroom at the bar in case she notices it? And trying to score tickets for Usher concerts and wearing vests, wooden chokers, and fake tan? How tight is that pussy? How small is your cock?

Girls under 18! If your boyfriend is over 30, you are basically being constantly lied to and RAPED every day of your relationship. Your stupid friends may think you're cool, but your parents would kill you if they knew about it, and all his buddies think you're a little whore and will try and fuck you at every given opportunity. Why do old men want to fuck 18-year-olds anyway? As we've said a hundred times before: "It's like playing tennis with a toddler." Pick on someone your own size.

Dos & Don'ts - Orgasms
Women don't cum from fucking as easily as men, so she doesn't have to have an orgasm every time he does. "Sowwy." It's just not practical. A man only has to provide a woman with one orgasm for every three he has. It's not like she's going to get blue balls. She doesn't even have balls. This does not include masturbating, by the way—that's private.

Dos & Don'ts - The Basic Rules of Fashion
The basic rule is: You have to be at least a little uncomfortable.

We are in an epoch right now when everyone is determined to be at a sleepover. Nobody can endure any discomfort whatsoever, not even for a moment. If a woman goes out on a limb and gets dressed up one night, she punishes the world by wearing track pants and flip-flops for days after. If a man feels even slightly warm he takes his shirt off and lets the whole world see his hairy tits. Back in the Wild West, we were wearing three-piece suits and top hats in the middle of July. Can we not have at least a modicum of discipline? It's not that hard. Men just need to stay away from belly tattoos, chokers, cargo shorts, cargo pants, umbrellas (under any circumstances), colored sunglasses, long hair, tribal tattoos, wool hats, and piercings. Women need to avoid platform flip-flops, belly-button piercings, toe rings, cleavage, low-riding jeans if they're chubby (we're talking to you, London, England), thongs, shirts made to look like tattoos, cowboy hats, fake tans, and Von Dutch.

Dos & Don'ts - Shopping
The secret to buying clothes is to have your look totally figured out before you walk into the store. That's how the mods did it. Fred Perry, Ben Sherman, bowling shoes, loafers, and parkas. If they saw a great pair of baggy cords, too bad, it's not mod (no matter what Madness says about trousers). You need to do that too. Is she going for rich hippie? OK, that means only really expensive shoes, flowing summer dresses, and the odd tassled leather jacket. Want some free black leather Converse? No, you don't, because that's not rich hippie. What about a vintage Judas Priest shirt? Nope. But if after a year or two she decides she's going for a Cheech & Chong theme, then all those dresses have to go to the secondhand store for resale.

Now stumbling across some leather Converse and a Judas Priest shirt is a blessing. The key to this whole philosophy is to be able to say no to a total score. If you're going for preppie prick and you see an amazing pair of Lemmy cowboy boots that fit you perfectly, you have to walk away. Call your sponsor if you have to. Shopping is about staying focused and keeping your eye on the prize!

Dos & Don'ts - Hippie Fruit Drinks
Are you a baby? No? Then you can take a piece of fucking fruit and put it in your mouth and chew. It's way cheaper and those drinks are full of salmonella. A friend of ours worked at one of those fruity health-drink plants in Vancouver and her job was picking out band-aids and parts of hippies' beards all day with her bare hands.

Dos & Don'ts - Halloween
Sexy Halloween costumes are lame. They are supposed to signify the woman wearing it is a hot-to-trot sexpot, but the truth is always the opposite. It's like the girl who talks about giving head all the time and then you go home with her and it's like she's chewing on a Mars Bar. If you want to find the really "sexy" (how gross is that word?) girl, go find the one who blacked out her teeth to become Alfred E. Newman.

Dos & Don'ts - Augmentation
Do not have plastic surgery. Nine out of 10 plastic surgeons admit they would never do it to a member of their own family. The few who have performed it on their wives are usually repairing some other guy's fuck-up. The nose looks scary, the lips are drag queen, and the tits have to be replaced every five years. Ask anyone who has had anything done; they all regret it.

Dos & Don'ts - Laundry
If you drop off a big load, it's $20. If you do it yourself it takes about four hours and costs $16. Have you ever heard of a thing called math? You are essentially being paid $1/hour. Why don't you go work at McDonald's for those four hours, and your laundry would be for free?

Dos & Don'ts- Running for the Train or Bus
Stop sprinting down the stairs like it's Judgment Day.

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