Alex James, once the bassist in Blur, now Britain’s most famous farmer and appearer on things, has applied for the trademark to the name Britpop. The application, which was sent in to the Intellectual Property Office, includes alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, which means that James will once again be going against Oasis.
Because a drink that is called Britpop sounds like it should never be made, we decided to jump the gun and make Britpop so that Alex James doesn’t have to. We also made a bunch of other drinks, sort of like a grown-up version of decanting Mum’s perfume and Dad’s athlete foot cream and imagining that the resultant potion would do anything other than burn your infant nose hairs, but with different music genres. Don’t do this at home, trust us, we’re professionals.
HOW TO MAKE BRITPOP...
First, lay out all of your ingredients in front of you.
Open up the pack of cheap burger cheese. The cheaper the cheese, the more it’ll feel like a tangible interpretation of a comedown. Cheese is also what Alex James sells at the Banbury village fete so it makes the perfect ingredient.
Add in some grass to truly capture the spirit of Britpop and the buttload of festival dates that Blur have played in their four year reunion.
Take a couple of cans of Stella and shake them until they’re rabid and frothing at the mouth like Liam Gallagher after Robbie tied his shoelaces together.
Grab any vintage memorabilia that you can find. In this case, we’ve used a plectrum that was once touched by a member of the Boo Radleys, but anything - some of Charlotte Hatherley’s hair dye, or the toe of an original member of Bis - will do.
Lastly, take a tube of striped toothpaste (red, white and blue, for Britain, duh!) and squeeze it into the blender until it resembles the insides of a next-level Sea Monkeys tank.
Feel free to supplement with Britpop items that are important to you. This time we chucked in some “Supergrass” and an elastic band that Josie found on the floor to represent Elastica, but you could add in any other number of items that represent the lost Britpop bands.
Make sure that you continue blending until the mixture looks like black market liposuction.
That looks about right. If you get stuck, feel free to use this image as a helpful guide.
Grab two glasses and pour out. It should be the consistency of cake mixture, but will smell even better.
Serving suggestion: more toothpaste and more grass.
Mmmmmm, wasn’t that great? Please employ me Alex.
HOW TO MAKE A PSYTRANCE PSUNDAE...
The majority of ingredients for this are taken from nature's bounty. So...
Walk into your nearest 24-hour forest and pick up a clump of mushrooms. Rub them in your hands to release the aromatic oils and break them into little pieces before dropping them from the sky like someone predicted a fungi downpour.
Open up your soup can and slide it in. We used cream of mushroom soup, but if you’re feeling wild, pick any flavour from your local supermarket.
For an extra kick, add in any legal high that you can find. We used some leftover Critical Haze, left behind by a passed out forty year-old we met on the weekend. But anything that you can pick up from one of those shops that conveniently sells tattoos, piercings, bongs and Magic the Gathering will probably do.
Lastly, throw in some chocolate truffles, borrow a truffling pig to sniff them out in the confectionary isle of Co-op.
Take caution, depending on the type of mushrooms that you’ve pillaged, (shiitake will be a nightmare) and the quality of your blender, there may be a blockage. Peer inside, bang on the lid a few times, and eventually it will start working.
Pour it up! The finished product should smell uncannily accurate, a mixture of the cries of a vegan shoe during its last rites and the sweet tang of armpits held hostage under layers of neoprene and knitting.
Depending on the clientele of your event, add some herbs as garnish.
It really says something that this tasted even more pungent than it’s psychotropic cousins, both of us regurgitating like mother birds.
Wow, that was really pleasant!
24-HOUR MUSIC BLOGGER ENERGY...
Pro-tip, turn your lunch into a quickly digestible juice to avoid being stuck in a queue at Pret when Thom Yorke says something boring about something boring.
Fuck off, you fucking stupid piece of bread.
Take a coffee capsule from the office espresso machine to help increase concentration, an important factor when copy and pasting that unconfirmed story about the Clipse reunion.
The mixture should look sort of like this, but I guess it depends on what you eat for lunch. Some people don’t even eat anything, can you believe it?
Ryan initially refused to drink this because he doesn’t like coffee. And also because it smelt like every fart ever expunged on a Virgin train had been captured and kept hostage for 3 years without toothbrushes.
It tasted so good that it made Josie cry. Once you’re fully satisfied, grab a napkin, wipe your face, and get back to work.
HOW TO MAKE CLOUD RAP DRANK...
It really says something about the moral degradation of our palettes but by this point we were really looking forward to this one.
Please, God. If you only do one thing please make packets without “tear here---” slits easier to open. Or set all microwave wattages to correspond with every microwave meal in the world. Thanks.
Grab your cough syrup… and pour in some Sprite.
If done correctly, the result should resemble a gentle Rococo sneeze. Next, add cotton wool to the mixture so it looks like a very disrespectful way to prepare a lamb. Remember, presentation is everything.
If you have an irrational fear of cotton wool, then it’s probably best to leave the room. IDK, some people feel weird about pieces of cloudlike material being pulled apart, ok? Jeez. Leave me alone.
Finally, taste test the drink. If done correctly, it should be quite ambrosial, with the chunks of sodden cotton wool serving as little treats, like the fish in the Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food, or a chunk of your Grandmother’s hair in your Sunday lunch.
HOW TO MAKE GRUNGE...
Like all grunge bands, this recipe is really simple. It has only a handful of ingredients, but the result is thick, filling, and intense.
First place your organically sourced mud inside the blender. Next, add the honey to make something that we like to call Mudhoney. If you’re on a health kick, use Agave Nectar in place of this more common bee spittle.
Spray that shit up until it “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, baby.
The result should look like the sort of thing that adorns the side of a pack of Golden Virginia, or something smeared on the side of the toilets at Basingstoke train station.
Later, we’ll be giving a 5 star Amazon review of this blender. It’s so great that it blends clay rich soil for under a tenner!
If you like, you can hotbox the Right Guard filled glass like the Ozone don’t matter. Although it’s maybe best to do this while seated because you’ll probably faint.
In the words of Mudhoney’s hit “Touch Me I’m Sick”, please don’t touch me I’ll throw up.
Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil
Josie also has Twitter now, follow her here so she gets more followers: @JosieRaeT
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