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Rick Ross' 'Mastermind' - The Kid Mero Review

I READ THIS TRACKLIST ON PAPER AND WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT FRENCH MONTANA IS ALL OVER THIS AND THERE'S A JOINT WITH MAVADO?! THEN I PUT IT ON AND IT WAS WILD BORING.

by The Kid Mero
04 March 2014, 10:00am

AYYYYYYY WATTUP AMERICA IM MAKING MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO NOISEY. I SAT DOWN WITH THIS NEW RICK ROSS ALBUM AND A BOWL OF CEREAL AND SOME SYNTHESIZED THC (SHOUTS TO PUFFCO JUUHEARDD) IM FINNA LISTEN TO THIS SHIT TRACK BY TRACK BECAUSE I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW MAN NIGGAS AINT PICKIN UP MY SHOW, I GOT A BOOK ON DECK THOUGH SO IF YOU A PUBLISHER AND WANNA CUT ME A "HOUSE IN SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY" SIZE CHECK HOLLA AT YA MUTHAFUCKIN BOY. ALSO GO WATCH MY SHOW ON NOISEY THANKS AMERICA YOU'RE THE BEST. *HITS WEED* AIGHT LETS SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE

INTRO
THIS IS KINDA DUMB. THE "HERE'S A RADIO STATIC VERSION OF ALL MY HITS" SHIT IS KINDA PLAYED OR AM I BUGGIN? LET ME CHUG THIS BROWN LIQUOR AND GET BACK TO YOU. YES THIS SHIT IS PLAYED AND THE WHITE GUY FROM THE 1950'S VOICE ALSO KINDA LAME BUT LETS MOVE ALONG

RICH IS GANGSTA
WOW HEY HERE WE GO JUST BLAZE EPIC BLARING TRUMPET SHIT. THIS IS LIKE IM RUNNING A RELAY RACE AND I'M THE LAST NIGGA ON THE TEAM AND IM RACING TO THE FINISH LINE OH SHIT IM LOOKIN IN MY PERIPHERALS!! THEY GAINING ON ME!! THERE'S THE FINISH LINE!! *DIVES THROUGH FINISH LINE INTO COMICALLY LARGE PILE OF COCAINE AND LANVIN PANTS* YO HOLDUP DID THIS NIGGA JUST SAY "IM ON MY FOURTH KIDNEY"??? BRUH, STOP DRINKING SODA IT'S SO BAD FOR YOU DRINK DISTILLED NURSERY WATER B THAT SHIT IS WILD HEALTHY.

DRUG DEALERS DREAM
WOW THIS IS FUCKIN HARDDDDD AAAHHGGGGGG *TURNS BASS UP* I WAS GONNA SAY THIS IS MUSIC TO BAG UP TO BUT YOU CAN'T CUZ YOU GONNA START FEELING YASELF AND BAG UP 2.5 GRAM DUBS AND GO BROKE. OR YOU JUST START COOKIN VORACIOUSLY AND KNOCK OVER THE TABLE WHICH IS ALSO A BAD LOOK. YOU EVER TRY TO RECOVER DRUGS FROM OFF THE FLOOR MY GUY? THAT SHIT IS WILD TEDIOUS. PICKING DRUGS UP OFF THE FLOOR SUCKS BECAUSE YOU CONCENTRATING OD HARD BUT THEN YOU STEP BACK FOR A SECOND AND YOU LIKE "I'M LITERALLY ON THE FLOOR SEARCHING FOR DRUG CRUMBS" AND YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE BECOMES WILD PERFUNCTORY I HOPE I USED THAT IN THE CORRECT CONTEXT.

NOBODY
YO THIS STARTED OFF HILARIOUSLY AND GOT EVEN MORE HILARIOUS BECAUSE I PICTURED DIDDY'S INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH BEING YELLED AT 15 WHITE INTERNS AND THEY ALL WEARING ODD FUTURE APPAREL WITH GIANT HEADPHONES THAT DR. DRE INVENTED. THEN ROZAY CAME ON THIS SHIT AND DID HIS BEST BIGGIE FLOW WHICH IS CRAZY AND UNCALLED FOR. FRENCH IS ON THIS BUT FRENCH MONTANA AND DIDDY INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES CAN'T SAVE THIS AUDIO COKEDREAM. TRIPLE IRONY SCORE FOR "THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE" WITH THE ECHO AT THE END (MERO SHANE BATTIER FACE MEME.JPG)

THE DEVIL IS A LIE
MAN JAY Z IS LIKE THE OLD DUDE THAT COMES TO THE PARK IN REC SPECS AND KNEE PADS AND BEATS YOU TWICE AND WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HOW HE WAS THE WAC CONFERENCE PLAYER OF THE WEEK IN 1974 WITH THE MINNESOTA STATE TECH GOLDEN BALLBAGS. "I LED THAT MUTHAFUCKA IN ASSISTS THE WHOLE MUNTA JANYARY!!" OK WENDELL THAT'S ALL GOOD BUT ITS 2014 NOW AND YOU ONLY BEAT ME BECAUSE YOU PERFECTED THAT FUCKIN OBNOXIOUS OLD MAN SKY HOOK AND YOUR KNEEPADS SMELL LIKE IF I DIDNT WASH MY BALLS FOR A WEEK THEN PUT ICY HOT ON THEM. YOU WIN SOMETIMES MY NIGGA BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK. Y.N.R.E.

MAFIA MUSIC
YO IM SEEING A TREND HERE B. IF YOU TOLD ME "YO I GOT A SONG FOR YOU." AND I WAS LIKE "WORD WHO'S ON IT?" AND YOU WAS LIKE "SIZZLA, MAVADO, AND RICK ROSS!" ID BE LIKE "WHUUUUTTTT!!! YO ROLL UP LETS HOP IN THE WHIP AND CRUISE DOWN THE CROSS BRONX IN BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC!" THEN YOU GET IN THE CAR AND THIS SHIT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT GOT LEFT OFF THE "RUDE BOY" SOUNDTRACK. YO I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU GO WATCH "RUDEBOY" STARRING NINJA MAN. YES NINJA MAN.

WAR READY
OH SHIT ROSS AND JEEZY! THEY SQUASHED WHAT SEEMED TO BE AN UNSQUASHABLE BEEF!! YO I THOUGHT NAS & JAY WAS UNSQUASHABLE WHEN JAY Z SAID "ME AND THE BOY AI GOT MORE IN COMMON THAN JUST BALLIN & RHYMIN, GET IT? MORE IN CARMEN!" THEN PROCEEDED TO LAVISHLY DETAIL HOW HE WAS PIPING NAS BABY MOMS IN THE BUTT. BUT THEY SQUASHED IT. SO ROSS AND JEEZY CAN SQUASH THEY BEEF CUZ IT WAS ONLY ABOUT SOME NIGGA GETTIN SHOT. ANYWAY THIS IS A VERY DARK SINISTER JOINT B. ALOTTA PEOPLE WAS SAYING THIS WAS NOT A GREAT SONG BUT THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY SUPER HARD CUZ THEY GOT SOME DUDE THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE WENT TO QUAVO'S SCHOOL OF MIGOS FLOW ON THE HOOK. THIS IS VERY INTENSE CATCH A BODY MUSIC. YOU CAN'T DO HOMEWORK TO THIS SHIT B UNLESS YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT IS GO OUTSIDE AND GET INTO A GANG RELATED SHOOTOUT WHILE YOU SNIFF COKE OFF YOUR FIREARM. WHAT A CRAZY TWIST IT WOULD BE IF RICK ROSS WAS ACTUALLY A HUGE COCAINE TRAFFICKER AND THE WHOLE C.O. SHIT WAS JUST AN EXTREMELY CLEVER DIVERSION. ALSO WHY THE GOON IN THE CREW ALWAYS NAMED "BLACK". IS THAT RACIST? LEMME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS. SO I CAN RENAME MY SHOOTER.

WHAT A SHAME
FRENCH!!!!! MONTANA!!!!! MAN FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T LIKE FRENCH MONTANA B. IF YOU DON'T LIKE FRENCH MONTANA WHAT DO YOU EVEN LIKE? DO YOU EVEN LIKE BLOWJOBS? DO YOU EVEN LIKE FRESH BAKED CUPCAKES THAT HAVE JUST CHILLED ENOUGH TO APPLY DELICIOUS FROSTING BUT ARE STILL WARM INSIDE WHEN YOU BITE THEM? YOU PROLLY HATE THAT SHIT MY PAL. YOU PROLLY FIND $5 ON THE BUS AND BE MAD CUZ SOMEBODY LOST IT. YOU'RE THE WORST B. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH AN IRREVERENT HOOD DUDE GETTING NATIONAL ATTENTION? ALSO HE'S FROM THE BRONX AND FULL DISCLOSURE SO AM I. AM I A HOMER? I MAY BE. OR MAYBE MY SWAG LEVELS ARE JUST SO HIGH THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW OFFICIAL MY EARS ARE WHEN PROCESSING INFORMATION. FRENCH MONTANA FLIPPED THE HOOK FROM CAMP LO'S LUCHINI AND INCLUDED THE WORD "HANH". THIS IS FUCKING ART MY NIGGA. A R T.

SUPREME
THIS SONG SUCKS, ROSS SOUND LIKE HE'S ON AT LEAST 9 XANAX. ALSO SCOTT STORCH PRODUCED IT. THIS IS SOMETHING SCOTT STORCH PRODUCED THAT IS BETTER THAN THIS SONG. [SCOTT STORCH INSTAGRAM OF HIM MAKING TECHNO BEAT WHILE SMOKING AND GETTING HAIRCUT.]

BLK &WHT
A NIMHUUBLAHHBUHEESELLUMWHAAAT IS THIS EVEN RICK ROSS? OR DOES RUBEN STUDDARD HAVE A POTENTIALLY FATAL SINUS INFECTION? HE SOUNDS WILD NASAL. IS THIS WANYA MORRIS? REMEMBER WANYA? BOYZ II MEN WAS SO INFLUENTIAL. YO ROSS SAID "TRAYVON MARTIN NEVER MISSIN MY TARGET" LMAO MY NIGGA WOW. DO YOU HAVE ANYBODY IN THE STUDIO LIKE "WHOA HOLUP FAM. I MEAN I DONT REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT AND I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT'S IN BAD TASTE CUZ YOU PROVIDE ME WITH SNEAKERS AND WEED, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS GONNA STIR UP ALOTTA BAD PRESS RICARDO? HAHAHA YEAH I CALLED YOU RICARDO! HILARIOUS RIGHT? I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT…HOLUP WHAT? GET MY SHIT AND LEAVE? WATCHU MEAN MY NIGGA I WAS JUST MAKING A JOKE! CHILL WHY THESE NIGGAS POINTING GUNS AT ME CMON RICK, I WAS JUST PLAYIN OK I'LL SIT DOWN. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TRAYVON? NOTHIN MY NIGGA NOTHING THAT LINE IS HARD!!" *ROLLS BLUNT* IF ERNEST WOULDA BEEN IN THE STUDIO THIS WOULDA NEVER HAPPENED. THIS SONG IS KINDA BORING,

IN VEIN
THIS TITLE IS ACTUALLY WILD APROPOS BECAUSE EVERY WEEKND SONG MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM IN THE ACT OF OD'ING ON HEROIN B. SOMETIMES THAT'S A GOOD THAT AND SOMETIMES THAT'S A BAD THING. RIGHT NOW IT'S A PRETTY GOOD THING BECAUSE IM OUTSTANDINGLY DRUNK. ROSS DID HIS THING ON THIS SHIT TOO WOW I'M DRUNK. WHEN I GET RICH I'M GONNA BUY SO MANY FUCKIN BENTLEYS. I'M GONNA BUY LIKE 12 BENTLEYS AND JUST HAVE ME AND MY NIGGAS DRIVE THEM ALL DOWN FORDHAM ROAD WITH THE HAZARDS ON RUNNIN LIGHTS LIKE A JEWISH FUNERAL.

SANCTIFIED
KANYE AND BIG SEAN ON THIS AND BIG SEAN ACTUALLY SPIT A VERSE THAT DID NOT WANT TO MAKE ME SMASH TWO PUPPIES TOGETHER FORCEFULLY. THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT GOT LEFT OFF YEEZUS. I WOULDN'T HAVE HATED YEEZUS IF THIS WAS ON IT TBH. EITHER I AM SO DRUNK I'M HEARIN SHIT WRONG OR KANYE DIDN'T RHYME ONCE BUT STILL HAD THE BEST VERSE ON THIS JOINT IF WE BEING REAL. THIS IS PROLLY ONE OF THE 3 BEST JOINTS ON THE ALBUM. WHICH MAY MEAN MORE TO YOU THAN ME.

WALKIN ON AIR
HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT *SHOOTS IMAGINARY GUN AT RANDOMS IN PRODUCE SECTION OF PATHMARK* YO CHILL IF YOU GOT TWITTER BEEF WITH A NIGGA AND YOU BOTH GONNA BE IN THE SAME PARTY, YOU GOTTA WAIT FOR THIS TO COME ON AND LISTEN TO HALF OF IT BEFORE YOU STEP TO HOMIE, IF YOU FOLLOW THOSE RULES YOU GUARANTEED TO DRAMATICALLY KNOCK HOMIE THE FUCK OUT. IF YOU LISTEN TO THE MEEK VERSE FORGET IT. YOU'LL SUPLEX YOUR NANA THRU A KIA SORRENTO. WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!! FUCK A TUTOR BETTER GET A SHOOTER?! FIENDS LININ UP LIKE ITS HOLY COMMUNION?! THIS IS A FUCKIN BANGER RIGHT HERE B WOWZERS.

THUG CRY
WOW MAN THIS IS SUCH A SMOOTH BEAT AND WAYNE IS SO FUCKIN WASHED MAN. YO SOMEBODY GO TO LIL WAYNES CRIB AND DESTROY ALL HIS SKATEBOARDS AND REPLACE ALL THE DRINKS IN HIS FRIDGE WITH LEAN. LIL WAYNE IS SO WASHED ITS AMAZING TO WITNESS THE NIGGA VERSES GETTING MORE AND MORE MAILED IN. NEXT THING U KNOW WAYNE IS GONNA TEXT NIGGAS A VERSE AND MAKE SIRI READ IT ON THE MIC. "NIGGAS KNOW I BALL LIKE IM PLAYIN BALL" *SIRI VOICE*

OVERALL THIS WAS KIND OF A LETDOWN B I READ THIS TRACKLIST ON PAPER AND WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT FRENCH MONTANA IS ALL OVER THIS AND THERE'S A JOINT WITH MAVADO?! THEN I PUT IT ON AND IT WAS WILD BORING WHERE I THOUGHT IT WAS FINNA BE EXCITING AND NIHILISTICAL & SHIT. 3.5 PILES OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 NIGGAS GOTTA STOP WITH THE JUST BLAZE TRUMPET HIT SHIT. THIS GOT A WHOLE 2 POINTS BECAUSE OF FRENCH.

STANDOUT TRACKS: WHAT A SHAME (HAAAAAN), SANCTIFIED, WALKIN ON AIR. ALL VERY OFFICIAL JOINTS.

The Kid Mero dispenses #KNOWLEDGE on Twitter - @THEKIDMERO

For more Mero, check his reviews of Drake, French Montana, and Kid Rock.

Watch the first episode of The Great Adventures of The Kid Mero, in which he attends a Pig Destroyer concert and learns how to mosh with the best of 'em.