2015: The Year of the Air DJ?

DJing is actually quite difficult. I know it looks like a good laugh, just standing about accepting attention from awed strangers and fawning friends, alternating between sipping free beers and twiddling the odd knob while Serato does most of the heavy lifting - but honestly, it's exhausting. Firstly, you've got to stand up for a while and while standing up isn't normally too taxing, having to stand up, knowing that sitting down isn't an option is a heavy burden to bear on one's back. Secondly, it's actually work. You've got to think properly: drifting into alcoholic autopilot means that everyone has a shit night and you never work in this town again, you've got to harness every ounce of concentration you can call upon in times of need. Thirdly, actually mixing records properly, doing it well, is, as I've found time after time, quite difficult. It doesn't just happen when you slap your freshly burnt selection of DJ Deep destroyers into the Pioneers and pray for the best. You've got to take a step back from the pleasure principle of the music you're playing in order to make the kind of calmly calculated decisions that are vital to not being a runaway train fuelled by a toxic combination of misplaced confidence, extreme anxiety and a few cheeky VKs smuggled into the booth.

The sad fact is, as seductive as the world of DJing might seem, most of us aren't cut out to do it. The things we lack - a sense of timing, the ability to process more than one piece of information at once, an endless collection of tight black t-shirts - are the things that stop us joining the elite ranks of globetrotting selectors. Although that said, superstars do occasionally make for great air DJs as well - to save blushes we won't mention any names.

There's something oddly sweet and weirdly charming about the dedication of air DJs to being really, really good at pretending to do something - rather than actually attempting to do the thing they've spent years pretending to do. If air guitarists can scrape a living together by wanking off mid-air to the sounds of "Back in Black" there's no reason why air DJs can't mimic the moment Skream drops a Ten City remix into a Boiler Room set.

It takes commitment to air DJ well. Anyone can cup their ear while slowly rotating their free hand in an instant approximation of either Emile Heskey or a middle class comedian attempting an ill-advised 'yoof' skit. That's easy. That's the air DJing your mum can do. What we're interested in is the people who take mimicry to new levels, the people who clearly go to clubs to stand on the lip of the booth, watching Roman Flugel's precise hand movements for six hours. So we've found a few major players in the game and compared them to see who comes up trumps. We're rating them on the verisimilitude of their technique and the all important star power 'wow factor' that's vital for any headline DJ. Best of luck, lads.

Entrant one: The Don

Ignoring the fact that his performance might have been aided by the ingestion of a hodgepodge of stimulants and substances, this level of passion, poise and power is unparalleled. Most actual DJs don't display this kind of commitment to their craft. There's something about the level of make-believe in play in the clip that makes its subject an ethereal, digitized icon of the power and pull of the pretend rather than a wild-eyed figure of fun. It's there in the way he grabs for the imaginary records, the hurdy gurdy jerky swipes at thin air, the moment he lets himself live in the music before composing himself and regaining complete control of the situation. This is a man who resolutely knows his shit.

Technique: 10/10
Star power: 8/10

Entrant two: Green Machine

Keeping steady, keeping in the groove, is key for all DJs, regardless of the reality of your preferred set-up. A DJ can't flail wildly, can't get as caught up in the moment he or she is attempting to create for others. This youngster seems to have forgotten that. He starts off promisingly with a few subtle tweaks, keeping things nice and simple even in the middle of a sweaty, nauseatingly green club. Then, for reasons he'll only be able to vocalize to a therapist in later life, he makes an octopussy grab for the pillar. A bold move, perhaps, but not a particularly successful one. A good DJ holds onto dignity for dear life but by the end of this curtailed set our boy's in tatters.

Technique: 6/10
Star power: 1/10

Entrant three: Driller Killer

For a lucky few thousand people, scattered about in every city on the planet, DJing is a full time profession. For hundreds and hundreds of thousands, it's something they do occasionally. For millions it's something they've done once and still mention on Tinder. For the rest of us, it's something we try and fit around the drudgery of day-to-day life. Our last contestant isn't adverse to mixing business and pleasure. Here we see him take a break from stuffing drills into the mouths of terrified children to daintily tap a foot to a slab of stadium-house in front of a helpless infant hepped up on anaesthetic, rendered unable to give him the support all DJs crave from their audience. A real own goal.

Technique: 5/10
Starpower: 4/10

Winner: Entrant one, this is your lucky day! 2015's all yours. Go out and grab it by the imaginary horns.

Follow Josh on Twitter: @bain3z