Er, How Is Dr Alex Love Island's Most Talked-About Instagrammer?

We all thought we were very clever, didn't we? We thought we knew exactly what was going to happen: Jack and Dani immediately given a seven-season ITV2 deal, Adam leaving a trail of cum and desolation through Pryzms the UK over, Ellie and Charlie dressed in matching white outfits and arguing wealthily on a yacht somewhere off the coast of Monaco for all eternity. So it was done, so – we thought – it was written.

There was one man, however, to whom we did not give much consideration. We foolishly assumed his trajectory would begin and end with a few appearances on This Morning where he talked about condoms while looking at the wrong camera, before slinking back off to the nearest A&E. We wrote him off. We did not foresee what should have been obvious: we were blind to the fact that Dr Alex would obviously become the most talked-about Instagrammer of this year's batch of Love Island contestants.

This has a lot to do with the fact that, like most of the other social interactions we've seen him involved in, Dr Alex is not very good at Instagram in the usual sense. In fact, compared with the rest of his Island-mates – many of whom are so proficient in diligently captioning their Missguided outfit codes or angling their biceps towards the camera in a way that makes it clear they have studied this shit for years – he is absolutely useless (one of his recent posts included "#TheShard", ffs).

But it is in being shit – so shit that he recently asked his followers to vote in a poll about whether he should have a meal deal for lunch – that he has bizarrely found his magic. While you might admire Megan's outfits or Eyal's… mouth (sorry, I'm trying to delete it), you do have to ask yourself: who else's Stories have you discussed in the same way you have Dr Alex's? Who else's follow button have you perversely found your finger hovering over, a sigh of resignation gathering in your lungs? You know in your heart: there is only one. It is the pinkman; the one who says in the night: "AH-OI-OIOI."

In the interests of documenting this phenomenon – that of someone very famous who is totally terrible at social media (actually something of a white whale in our current times) – I include below a few of Dr Alex's greatest hits so far, and explanations of why, if the point of social media as a celebrity is to get people to talk about you, he's actually doing very well indeed. God help us all.

This, really, is the eye of the storm, and tells you everything you need to know about Dr Alex's social media use.

Before we get into it, however, I do just want to clear one thing up. The issue here is absolutely not the combination of coffee and juice: who among us has not been hanging out their arse, eyes red with dehydration, begging a waitress or barista or flatmate to please give us "big orange juice big water flat white" lest we die? No, the drink choice is good, sensible even: coffee to wake you up, juice for sugar and nourishment. What is completely off the wall – so off it, in fact, as to literally be the floor – is the fact that he has created an Instagram poll asking which one he should drink first.

The only way I can describe this is as follows: it is the behaviour of a child using their first phone, heady with everything they can now do. It is a kid posting a Facebook status reading something like "Kyle's just drank a whole bottle of Coke and sat in the bath LMAOO madhead." What I am saying is that like, well, a child, Dr Alex unfortunately does not seem to have a very good grasp on banter. Therefore, also unfortunately, he has mistaken this poll – so astonishing and discussion-worthy because of its sheer banterlessness – for banter.

If his Instagram bio is anything to go on, Dr Alex has official management now, and presumably his representatives have advised him a bit on how to maintain his following: "It's all about engaging with your audience!" a woman called Sarah has told him. So, he's engaging with them! Obviously they probably meant, like, posting funny videos and asking them to watch his TV appearances, but yeah, asking them to dictate your consumption habits works too I suppose? Look out for "Should I brush my teeth before bed: YES YOU SHOULD! / HELL NO" before the fortnight is out.

But before coffee-and-juice-poll-gate (still workshopping the name) came this: the first appearance of his battlecry "oiiiiii", which also handily doubles as easily the most haunted noise in the world. Here, Dr Alex gives off the vibe of someone who was never invited to parties, and then – owing to some sort of Freaky Friday-esque fish-out-of-water life-swapping plot device – suddenly found himself considered cool. Anyway, the video is basically fine until, in a cadence and tone used exclusively by people whose mums don't let them swear when they are swearing, he said "ooooiiii" and everyone on the internet is still going on about it. Dr Alex 1 - 0 Us.

YES his face is the exact face you’re doing in the photo your mum has of you from the first day of Year 7, and YES his pose makes him look like a catalogue model. But also: BMW? Isn't this kind of… the best "paid partnership" any of the Love Island alumni from this year have done so far? Obviously he wrecks it a bit with the predictable fuck-up of the joke (the hashtag says "#trustmeiamadoctor") but bizarrely, he's doing quite well, presumably racking up followers because of these very fuck-ups.

I can't be arsed.

Which… brings us here. "Oiii" became "ahoioioi", and nothing will ever be the same. Dr Alex went to Shoreditch House and was so hyper about it that he did the vocal equivalent of skidding on his knees. As a result, the internet has pounced on it as it does with everything that is uniquely bizarre, and what has happened here is that Dr Alex has… made a meme. I'm shaking my head like a football manager whose team has let in three goals. Equal parts still not sure how we allowed it to happen and furious at myself because I’m pretty sure I'm going to end up following him at some point during the next few days, purely just to keep up with what people are talking about.

"Ahoioioi," I will be saying resignedly. "Ahoioioi."

@hiyalauren