THE PROBLEM WITH BOOTLEGS

I answered the doorbell the other day and, to my surprise, there one was one of those DVD guys with an array of bootlegs in his hand, communicating with me via the three letters he had in his vocabulary: "DVD?" So, they've stepped up their operation and are doing door-to-door now, does this mean that their battleground with the authorities will move to my doorstep? All the police had to do in the pubs was put anti-pirating posters in the toilet, now I guess I'm going to have a man from FACT screaming about terrorism through my letterbox as I try and watch my knock off copy of Marley & Me.

You take your chances with these illicit knock-offs. You pay two pounds and you take whatever shit you're given. Shoddy packaging is part of the deal: erroneous information, wrong spellings, bafflingly incorrect cast information is all expected. That's why you might get the synopsis to Sister Act 2 on the back of your Planet Of The Apes DVD. Still, I'd like to know exactly how this happens, especially the addition of negative review quotes. I suspect it's a combination of laziness, ignorance, and perhaps a lack of dedication on the part of the pirates, although on some of the below examples (which can be found on the wonderful, ever-growing Crappy Bootleg pool on Flickr) are the clear work of a saboteur.

I hate this movie, but I do like the bit where Keanu is taught how to hold a whip properly.

Too self-absorbed to fully connect with an audience? Yes please, sounds fantastic.

This might be Hot Fuzz. But I don't remember Nick Frost looking that sexy. And when was Michael Madsen in it?

Apt title.

How does this even happen? Whatever, it looks amazing. Can't wait to see him garroting Ewoks.

I'm almost positive the Starship Enterprise from Star Trek isn't in Star Wars.

This must be something to do with all the plaid shirts around at the moment. Yep, the grunge revival is pretty terrifying.

While it's a shame it's not as good as the first one, it is encouraging that it's still "ok".

ALEX GODFREY