How to Have a Decent Break-Up, According to Queer Women

January is a time for fresh starts. Some try to give up drinking, after spending the previous month getting so consistently On It that their faces resemble veiny water balloons. Others take up running, after hardly moving over Christmas, beyond reaching for cheese from a seated position. And others break up with their partners, having thought a bit while watching Love, Actually and realised they aren’t “the one” after all. That’s right: more break-ups happen in January than any other month.

Most break-ups suck unless you’re cold and dead inside. But some break-ups are better than others. Queer women, in fact, are usually quite good at them. And I’m not just saying that because I’m still friends with my exes, and they’re friends with theirs. It’s also the truth. “Particularly around break-ups, queer folk are much more likely to stay friends, or connected in community in some way,” Berkeley-based psychotherapist Jennifer Vera, who specialises in working with LGBTQ clients, told us in 2018. “I’ve seen this across gender lines, but I’m most familiar with it among queer women.”

And so, with all these January break-ups looming, I decided to mine the wisdom of a bunch of queer women to find out the best way to end things with someone. Here’s what they had to say to any hetero folk (but also anyone tbh) looking to pull the brakes on their relationship in the new decade.

I’d say it’s rare to have a ‘good’ break-up. Every break-up I’ve been through has been really sad, whether I’ve been the dumper or been dumped. But you should always do it face to face in a kind, gentle way – preferably also in a neutral space like a park bench or pub where you can leave afterwards. Also if you don’t communicate properly about why you’re breaking up then and there, you’re not giving them closure and that’s not fair. So always give them the reasons. Then keep contact to a minimum until at least a few months afterwards, at which point you could maybe become friends if either of you are ready. Charlie, 25

I would say the best way is to go to their house and do it as quickly and as respectfully as possible, to be clear in your intentions and to be clear in your reasons without being spiteful. And to leave. If the person’s being horrible and you need to break up with them because they’re bad for you, then maybe this doesn’t apply. But if you’re breaking up with someone because you’re falling out of love with them, or you’re just not feeling it, then that would be the approach. And that’s coming from that happening to me. I felt like that was the least awful way to be broken up with because it’s not about being broken up with in public, at a restaurant, over pizza. Coco, 28

I think the first thing is always honesty. Just as with a relationship, you can’t have a fair break-up without being honest. Each break-up is its own, but I also think nothing should be left unsaid, you know? That would bring more problems that may show up in the future. With my ex, we went to the park and just talked things out. I fucked up, she fucked up and we realised it wouldn’t work anymore. It was friendly and both of us got closure that day and afterwards, even though it took a while for us to be back in each other’s lives.

I think the healthiest way to deal with a break-up is to take a little space (I’m not on board with blocking / deleting someone from your life completely unless absolutely necessary), but I feel like stretching the conversation afterwards might be counterproductive. In a relationship you care for somebody else, and I think in a break-up you should turn that energy towards yourself. Lorde said it best when she said, “I care for myself the way I used to care about you.” Lola, 23

The fairest way to break up with someone, without sounding like an elder, is to be honest. But I think you also need to be assertive, and fair to yourself. Nobody wants to revisit a place where their ‘no’ isn’t taken seriously. I would also say resist exaggerated insults leading to unfulfilling break-up sex. Don’t patronise. Do be human. Respect, listen. However angry, sad or absent this relationship has made you, address this calmly. You can be understanding, as well as serious. You have to be real with the people you love, and hope that your realness will be reflected back at you. Claudia, 25

I can tell you what NOT to do: don’t ghost or soft ghost. If you respected them enough to be in a relationship, then you should respect them enough to be open about why you will no longer be in it – even if it was a short one. Don’t play games or make them jealous after the break-up, and don’t act like you’re mates in the immediate aftermath because that’s a headfuck too for both of you. Don’t stalk their social media every day, but I would say allow yourself one time once a week to look at it because you’re going to anyway, and it helps to not have any nasty surprises if they get with someone new. Also keep reminding yourself that in two or three months' time, both of you will care a lot less than you do now. Allie, 26

My last break-up was so bad. We longed it out far more than we needed to, and kept getting back together and breaking up and it was quite toxic because we argued so much. So I would say, to have a good break-up, you need to believe that you mean it, then make a clean break. It’s not going to work if you’re still clinging onto the idea of the relationship. I also just think you should approach break-ups the same way you approach anything else in life: with kindness and honesty. If you do those two things always, then you’re going to be fine. Lydia, 27

Do it in person, not after a fight, and without saying some hooky line that makes it feel like you’re in a movie but actually the other person will remember forever (or so they think). You should try and be fair, kind, honest (but you can also be 'economical' with the truth to be kind) and clear. I’ve never seen any of my exes after a break-up except one. I know that ‘fair’ can come across as ‘cold’ too – some people want the movie scenes. An ex-girlfriend memorably called me an ‘ice queen’ during our break-up. I was very proud – she was not. Antonia, 25

@daisythejones