Don't Pull

Listen, the vibe in here is quite weird anyway, and it’s too dark to really see anyone’s faces, and also you’re very crucially aware that you’re the only person in this place wearing a bomber jacket and jeans; everyone else seems to have come from Baz Luhrmann’s sex party and there’s a bloke here wearing black lipstick and a corset who keeps licking his lips. Like, it’s a very dark scene here for you to try and pull in with your usual schtick of “you have really nice eyes, you know”, so you just sort of find a fridge and lurk by it for a bit, slowly getting sway-y on whatever beer you bought and then one Smirnoff Ice you find hidden down in the vegetable crisper, and you keep making what you think is important eye contact with people in the vague hope a stranger will recognise a singular note of interesting desperation within you and start a conversation – “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re nine pints deep and keep looking at your Instagram even though your battery’s on 8 percent. I find that really interesting, and want to know everything about you” – but really, come on, let’s be honest, you’re giving off the wrong energy for this place so you slip out the front door, two more drinks hidden in the big pockets of your coat, and walk home with the crisp night air clinging tight to your skin, and it feels sort of like a victory and a loss at the same time; you feel triumphant for leaving but a failure for having to do it, but fuck it, it’s 2AM and you’re young and you’re drunk and the beer was free and you can wake up tomorrow and what does it matter. Nothing matters. You are weightless you are perfect you are free. You are— ah, no, you really need a piss. You really, really need a piss. Next 20 minutes of the walk home is spent looking for places to have a piss but not finding anywhere you dare take a piss and then just thinking, constantly, about piss. Burst through the door and straight to the bathroom and piss. Agony. What a horrible way to end an evening. What a horrible life you lead.

YOU HAVE FAILED FRIDAY NIGHT