I need you to make sure that you are sitting down for this. Please don't read any more of what I have written until you are securely in a seat with your feet firmly planted on the ground. Take a breath. Have a sip of water. Take 30 seconds to meditate, maybe repeat a mantra to yourself a couple of times. Okay.
Tim Westwood is FIFTY-NINE YEARS OLD. DJ Tim Westwood, he who hosted Pimp My Ride on MTV UK and recently asked Cardi B "what type of weave do you like best" is 59 freaking years old.
When I was told this information mere minutes ago, tears pricked my eyes. Think about it: Westwood is going to be 60 this year. Drink it in. In my mind, Westwood is perpetually 45, in a shellsuit, shouting his own name over music by other people on 1Xtra. The news, therefore, that not even Westwood is impenetrable to the passage of time has shaken me to my core.
This is relevant, of course, because over the weekend (on Eid, in fact! Blessings, guys), Tim Westwood fucked up. In trying to send a photo of his credit card to his girl in a literal "buy yourself something pretty" move that I don't actually feel amazing about, Old Man Westwood actually ended up putting it on his Snapchat story (long card number and all) for literally every single one of his followers to see.
Just take a glance at that date range. Before sharing this with all of his followers, Tim Westwood had only had this card since February of this year and already needs a replacement. Fortunately, VICE UK's own Alhan Gençay was on hand to procure a screenshot which obviously went viral (we can't embed his tweet because it features the card number in all its glory and it'd be unethical for us to post it even though it doesn't also include that sweet three-digit CVV code, but for the sake of bigging up a hero you can follow Alhan here).
UPDATED, 4.18PM on Monday 26 June – Please read Alhan's official statement below:
"If this isn't enough evidence to prove that Tim Westwood is a gentleman then I don't know what is. Let us not forget that he is the son of Bill Westwood, the late 36th Anglican Bishop of Peterborough. As great as the screenshot is, it was actually a video that he had uploaded which I couldn't save. It was fucking hilarious. He put on this deep romantic kinda voice – he was like 'baby I can't wait to see you soon I'm so excited' or some shit – but it still had the classic Westwood vibe so the romance was short-lived.
He's currently on holiday in Bermuda, so now that he's cancelled his cards he's over there with no funds. Laugh all you want, but this is the same guy who gave us Crib Sessions and Pimp My Ride UK, and we should never forget that. Uncle Westwood can do whatever the fuck he wants. If you aren't already following him on Snapchat then I highly recommend you do. It's one crashing wave of entertainment after entertainment (just like the time he taught his audience how to cut mangoes)."
Thank you, Alhan. It's also important to know that this is not even the first time Westwood has done this. He has been burned before, as he himself shared (on Instagram lol, cannot keep this man off the apps). And yet he is still determined to use the young people's app known as Snapchat. And look, I don't mean to bring age into it but maybe Snapchat is just... not for him. And it's a difficult pill to swallow when he's made a career off seeming slightly younger than he actually is, but: maybe he should stick to picture messaging. We've had that for ages. There's no shame in it. You don't have to snap, Tim. Know that.
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(Image via Alhan Gençay on Twitter)