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Sorry, But Everyone Needs to Boycott Halloween, It's the Fucking Devil's Birthday

You guys, I think the good people of Twitter are trying to tell us something.

by Clive Martin
31 October 2012, 2:15pm

Photo by Joe Hall

Guys, I've got some bad news. Some news which is gonna put a real dampener on your Halloween plans. I know you've all been planning for months, telling all your friends about how you're gonna make this your biggest Wednesday night out of the year. But it might be time to take back that Jimmy Savile costume you think is oh-so original, go make a Tarte Tatin out of those apples you'd been saving for the bobbing, take down that fibre-optic gallows set up, because apparently, Halloween isn't quite the good clean, Christian fun we all assumed it was.

Some good people on Twitter have finally blown the whistle on this evil ceremony. That's right, Halloween isn't just a good natured day of the year where we can legally intimidate stangers into giving us their possessions. It's not just a fun excuse to wear tights and throw eggs at fat kids. Nope, Halloween has a far more sinister genesis than that. It is, in fact, a celebration of the birth of Satan himself.

Being the evil bastard he is, Satan just couldn't content himself with the classic Cineworld and Pizza Hut birthday, could he? Nope, instead he had to flood every joke shop in the country with masks of himself and dupe us all into celebrating it with him. He's like somebody at school who lies about having a free house just so he can get all the popular kids round.

It's a horrible realisation, I know. Just think about all those seemingly innocent Halloween japes that you, as a child, perpetrated against unsuspecting and wholly innocent members of the public. All those cheeky snogs you had with people in corpse paint as you got older. It all feels like such a betrayal now, like turning up to Laser Quest to celebrate your 14th and realising Peter Sutcliffe was having his birthday party there at the same time.

Now, I've looked at the Wikipedia entry for "Satan" (disambiguation: The Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Sheeran, Collins, Minchin) and while it doesn't state a specific birth date, it seems he diplays all the classic traits of being a Scorpio. His history of getting kicked out of heaven and causing trouble ever since, like a kind of theological Julian Assange, suggests he might well be "passionate, penetrating, private, resourceful, loyal, determined, temperamental, intolerant," as the star sign guides suggest.

And, by the looks of "Cuntdestroyer", it seems that even his dedicated followers are confirming his DOB. You might suggest that Cuntdestroyer is nothing but a troll, but just take a look at the evidence. He's a white guy with dreadlocks and he uses the C-word a lot. If that's not surefire proof that he worships at the dark cathedral, I don't know what is.

Just look at the conviction that these people have. This isn't some half-hearted hashtag, or just something that happens to be trending. They're trying to save you from being involved in the most evil party in the world. They're telling you, "Sure, the devil might have all the sweets, but is that really worth selling your soul for?"

To me, that seems like a completely reasonable thing to say. Souls are a valuable commodity, half the people I come into contact with every day don't even have one, so if you are lucky enough to posses one, it seems a steep price to pay for a jelly worm.

Of course, wherever Satan's having a party you'll be pretty sure to find his crew in tow. At the Devil's birthday bash, the Illuminati are the guys who congregate in an upstairs bedroom, taking bong hits and listening to Bob Marley backwards as they control the media from their iPhones. If you're fucking with Halloween this year, you're fucking with the Illuminati. It's just a fact.

So if you are out tonight, just remember whose birthday you're celebrating on the 31st of October. Because I looked at a list of other people born that day, and it ain't Rob Schneider's.

Follow Clive on Twitter: @thugclive

More devil's work:

The Woman Who Outed Prince William As Satan

Beelzebub's Daughter: How Zeena Schrek Escaped the Church of Satan