What Kind of an EU Voter R U?

We've all got our reasons. They're all terrible reasons. That's democracy.

But in marking an X in one of two boxes, we're masking all of those very different thought processes. Take the EU Referendum: the huge narratives that separate a Green IN-er from a High Tory Remain-er are blotted out; everyone's just an A or a B.

That's why we at VICE have developed – in collaboration with our in-house psychology/animal quizzes department – a foolproof test to interrogate the subtleties of why individual sub-tribes might want to stay or go.

To find out precisely What Kind of an EU Voter U R, simply answer the following question:

Q: The European Union?

A:

a) Stitched up the Great British worker haven't they, Mr Blair and his cronies, my old dad would be rolling in his tomb.

b) omg so hard, honestly guys let's just stay where we are because it's like sooo confusing.

c) The people of Europe need unity. We're like one big Glee Club dammit.

d) We must stay in Europe to change Europe. Farage, Boris… clowns! blahblahzzzzzz…

e) They are the thin blue line that separates us from vile hoards of racists. Racists – thousands of them!

f) House price slowdown – that's the real World War III the EU is preventing.

g) In solving this question, I like to think the Ancient Athenians would have understood that sovereignty cannot be divided… Bro, taste that shit, that's my new guy, it's direct from… sorry what was I saying?

Done it? Great. Now scroll down to see the answers…

Stitched up the Great British worker haven't they, Mr Blair and his cronies, my old dad would be rolling in his tomb.

The Ex-Working Class Hampstead Brexiteer

Congratulations! You are a working class bloke-done-good who thinks he can keep in touch with his roots by adopting smoky traditionalist views.

You're no Tory. Hell, you're a card-carrying Labour member – literally – and you regularly produce this card as garlic against those vampires who seek to attack your deep conservatism.

But according to your genetically-inherited understanding, mass migration has trampled on the rights of British workers. It's undercut solidarity and driven down wages. And if you still knew any workers, you 'd definitely mention this as you all sank mild-n-bitters together (they still drink them, right?).

As it is, all you have to fall back on are ancient unrelated tales from your forthcoming memoirs about how tough it was for your family growing up in Barnsley in the 1970s. The horny-handed factory worker dad, the house-proud mum, the dismal goons at the school gates. You always wanted to leave those dickheads for dust, didn 't you?And you did once you won your place at Durham. Never looked back…

Still, having once known those dickheads makes you a mediator speaking truth unto power, even though you now use these guys ' belief systems the same way Mike Ashley uses their bodies.

Patron saint: Tony Parsons.

omg so hard, honestly guys let's just stay where we are because it's like sooo confusing.

The Entry-Level Cop-Out

It's just so nasty when they shout at each other at PMQs, isn't it? But Milifandom was hilarious cos Ed's so uggers and Russell Brand certainly made everyone think. Beyond these blazing points of light, your perception of politics is a dull smear on the pane, because, y'know, some people have lives.

Still, your Facebook feed is now glutted with EU info-wars, so you've decided to do some serious research. After reading everything HuffPo has to offer, you've realised that the question is complicated. Really complicated, in fact.

So you've come up with a brilliant solution. Your lightbulb moment is that no one knows what will happen after the 23rd of June. Literally. No. One. Actually. Knows. So… unless things are so bad right now that we're desperate to Leave (and they're not) , then the status quo is always going to be better than the unknown. Right?

In short, you're the kid who sits down the day before his maths exams, pours himself a big cup of coffee, sharpens his pencil, spunks £20 downloading Freedom to lock off the internet, takes his ginkgo biloba, writes out his affirmations, then opens his textbook to the first problem. Ten minutes later, the book snaps shut and the next day he answers everything (A ).

Patron saint: Some berk you went to school with "sharing" this insight on FB.

The people of Europe need unity. We're like one big Glee Club dammit.

The Mini-Break Philosopher

You went on Erasmus and it was way cool. You snogged a Spaniard! You did full penetration with a Slovak! It really solidified your views on the European project! You realised that Europeans are people, too! And, like, they're also just living their lives in their own countries and they may not have breakfast cereals, but cheese and ham serves much the same purpose!

You now believe passionately that we all need to stand together as Europeans. That our European identity is what this debate hinges on. Unity. It makes you feel so warm and fuzzy, to think about unity. And full penetration with a Slovakian.

At no point in this happy babbling fantasy has it occurred to you that "The EU" and "Europe" are two completely different concepts – one an ancient continent that is going precisely nowhere; the other a 1950s federalist utopia that may have overreached its mandate. You have reduced the peoples of Europe to one homogenous stereotype, and now assume that this imaginary human daisy-chain loves the EU as much as you do – that the 55 percent unemployed Spanish youth are gaga for more German-led austerity and an uncompetitive currency manacling their exports. Because, y'know, we need unity. Whatever that means…

Patron saint: Polly Toynbee

Some grafitti sprayed on the pavement

We must stay in Europe to change Europe. Farage, Boris… clowns! blahblahzzzzzz…

The Phantom Leaver

No, no – leaving would be terrible. The fact is: we need to stay in Europe to fight for a better Europe. I mean, Farage, Boris: they're clowns; ass-captains of note!

Occasionally, you join in the hashtags, you certainly nod along in the pub with all your cool progressive friends. Makes sense. To risk admitting you want to Leave would be like saying you're a big fan of The Vaccines. Social death.

Then, when the day comes, you'll assassinate the lot of 'em in revenge for their endless jerk-circle of smuggery, sniggering to yourself in the polling booth. You are the Shy Tory of 2015 lore, re-formatted into a Phantom Leaver, and you're everywhere.

Patron saint: It's YOU, isn't it?

They are the thin blue line that separates us from vile hoards of racists. Racists – thousands of them!

The Hardcore Virtue Signaller

Not only are you for Remain; you believe it is an article of faith that anyone for Leave is a horrible racist.

In fact, your secret fear you might be a teeny bit racist yourself has calcified into a worldview in which you're actively angry that Brixton is filling up with white people but happy that Barking is filling up with black people – and you see no contradiction in that. In fact, you occasionally have drugged-up midnight fantasies of being spared in any coming race war. "No, not this chick . She was the good one…"

To further one-up your moral superiority, you've begun to espouse the fashionable cause of " No Borders", anywhere in the world. When anyone asks how this would work, you say with mystifying firmness: "We're a rich country," chasing it with "All borders are actually imaginary," as though you're the first person ever to realise this.

Your moral philosophy starts with the idea that "we are all equal" and has yet to develop any more nuance than that. You'd save two of someone else 's children from the hypothetical burning building rather than one of your own, and hence there is something deeply wrong with you.

Patron saint: The Sort Of Zoloft-Saturated Vegan Who Puts "Words for @VICEUK, @DAZED, @Independent. Leftie." in Their Twitter Bio.

House price slowdown – that's the real World War III the EU is preventing.

The Fantasy Self-Interested Voter of Polling Company Lore

You don't actually exist, but that certainly hasn't stopped you from being scared shitless. House prices are going to dip by 18 percent! There 's going to be an instant recession, every household is going lose £4,000, then Daddy Osborne will do a Meaningless Pain Budget, then Britain will be loosed from its moorings and float off into the mid-Atlantic!!!

But then again, you're also kept up at night by the fate of the NHS, so you think maybe pouring the legendary "£350 million" a week "EU contribution" into it sounds like a great idea. But then what will happen to the foreign NHS doctors if we leave? They're going to melt them down into candle wax, aren't they? And what will happen to… oh fuck.

You're a pinball in the political machine. Each side's frighteners make you jump out of your skin. On polling day you're a quivering jelly, your pen hovering eternally over each box.

Patron saint: Statistically-speaking, 68 percent of the population. In reality: no one.

In solving this question, I like to think the Ancient Athenians would have understood that sovereignty cannot be divided… Bro, taste that shit, that's my new guy, it's direct from… sorry what was I saying?

The Crusty Young Libertarian Brexiteer

Your programmer mindset means you assume yours is a purely rational view on politics. Let others invest these things with emotion. It is facts and facts alone that shall concern you, brother.

With a lot of thinking, stewing and getting angry time available to you as you plod around the IT department of a mid-sized frozen foods wholesaler, you're determined to wrestle this problem to the ground with your enormous IQ. So after hoovering up increasingly obscure sub-pockets of Reddit, you cite Payne and Burke and Hayek in asserting the supremacy of un-tainted sovereignty, when your position could actually be boiled down to almost any hypertensive American management guru yelling: "Who's got the ball here?"

Really, behind all this dreary technocracy, your quoting of Athenians is just good intellectual covering fire for a young fogey take on British history – a Churchill-plus- WoW worldview in which you daydream that you and Boadicea might've made a cute couple. You're basically Simon Heffer with a vape-bong, David Starkey if he did Gamergate response videos on his YouTube channel.

Patron saint: Sargon of Akkad

@gavhaynes

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