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World Cup

Piers Morgan: My Advice to Gareth Southgate on Going into Battle

In an exclusive, no-holds-barred column for VICE, Britain's most acerbic wit salutes his World Cup heroes and gives football's snowflake fans a bloody good talking to.

by Piers Morgan
28 June 2018, 1:52pm

Photo via @piersmorgan Twitter account

It doesn’t matter what godforsaken rock you’ve been squirming under, you must have heard the news by now. Football's Coming Home! And it doesn’t care who it finds giggling on the sofa, chilling to the finest Bach deep cuts on The Sven-Göran Eriksson Classical Collection and sipping at the last of the Euro 2004 Carlsberg.

You don’t have to tell Piers Morgan this twice. No, he’ll tell you very loudly, and in terms properly fit for the 23 English heroes currently fighting the good fight on Russian soil .

So, you think you're an England fan? Don’t make him laugh. Just this morning, he fired out a pre-match tweet to show you everything you don’t know about patriotism. Which is all of it. Piers wipes his arse with a box-fresh St George every morning, and that’s a fact.

In light of recent defeatist shit talk and treasonous mumbo jumbo with regards to group stage positions and potential last-16 match ups, we had to hear more from the man himself on his predictions and hopes for the rest of the tournament.

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

I was once having a conversation with my friend Arsène Wenger in sunnier times before the darling old bird went completely doolally. I remember asking him, "Arsene, how can you sleep at night hailing from a nation that didn’t have Churchill as Prime Minister?" I'll never forget how he glided away in silence, having utterly disregarded my existence. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

It’s remarkable to see the snowflakes beat themselves about the brow when it comes to our brave boys. Oh, so you're upset when I take umbrage at Raheem Sterling’s personal tattoo choices, but leap up in arms when I equate a semi-dead rubber group stage match to the bloodiest war in human history? A rather novel take on the Blitz Spirit, I'm sure you’ll agree.

Mr Southgate, my advice to you on your very own D-Day is rather like that my good friend Wayne Rooney gave to me all those years ago. Don’t pay any heed to the boo boys, shut up and get out of the SJWs' hole. I won’t tell you again.

DON'T MENTION THE VAR!

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Well, in that case, watching The Bosh hold a spanking from the South Koreans was like wolfing down an entire Viennetta in the Trump Tower VIP bistro. I can’t imagine you know what I’m talking about, but even you and your SJW readership might be able to dimly comprehend one of my latest, and most succulent bon mots:

Yes, that is "The Office Dance". A fine British dance it is too. Yes, that is me poking light fun at Joachim Low's jumped-up Jerries. Though these days it has nothing do with actual warfare, you see, just a breezy on-pitch rivalry (just don’t mention the VAR! Brilliant!). But can you trust a nation led by a man who takes public whiffs of his buttocks? The answer is, of course, no. Now, what’s the German word for "piss off home!"?

WE WON'T CRY FOR YOU ARGENTINA

Wonderful to see my good friend Diego hasn’t lost any of his lust for the beautiful game. Makes the sick rise in my mouth to hear the likes of that ghastly crisp man Lineker and other mealy-mouthed, virtue-signalling, snowflake pandering half-wit "pundits" moralise on a man with more class in his fingertips than they could muster in their whole blasted careers. Do you think Diego gives a stuff about who gets offended by a few flips of the bird? Come off it, flashboys, this is Diego Maradona we’re talking about.

Does that mean we’ve forgotten the supposed Hand of God? No more than we’ve forgotten our claim to the Falklands. On second thoughts, get that laughing stock off those tax funded screens before things get very Messi indeed. And that’s final.

MORE WOMEN COMMENTATORS

Listen Cundy, take a bow you pig. You don’t know just how lucky you are there was a woman in the room, or things could have taken quite a different turn. So you want to come on Good Morning Britain and talk offensive rot about Ed Sheeran, Celine Dion and female commentators not having the right "tone" for your ears?

Sorry Jason, but I have a wife, and if she wanted to talk along to Denmark-France I’d have said "go for it". You know why? Because this is 2018. As I was saying to my good friend Donald (President Donald to you and yours) the other day, women are absolutely brilliant. So I say: more women, more football and more women footballers! They really are doing such a terrific job, even Patrice Evra is having a little clap about it.

Obviously made up by Francisco Garcia

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