There is no greater reminder of the worst version of yourself you are capable of being than a tattoo. Especially if you have said tattoo done while reeling off 17 bottles of Estrella on a lads holiday. There was our Liam, who went to Magaluf and came back with Skepta's name tattooed on his pelvis only for his girlfriend to immediately dump him because of it. There was Kane, who got "Stormzy" tattooed on his arse in Ayia Napa, where Stormzy was performing, and then literally bum-rushed his way past security to show it to him. Now, our most recent addition of Young Man Goes To Holiday Resort And Returns With Strange Rap-Based Tattoo, is a man known as Carl, from North East England, who went to Ayia Napa and returned with a commemorative holiday present in the form of his mate's penis tattooed in very close proximity to his own.
— Markie (@coys2016) March 31, 2016
Fortunately, this is 2016, and what is done can be undone. Unfortunately, he chose Channel 4's Tattoo Fixers to do it. "I have my best mate's dick tattooed on my groin," he explained, "We drew around it on holiday and I got it tattooed on my leg."
I don't know the in's and out's of how this was orchestrated, but somewhere, in the world, there is probably a photograph of one man pressing his flaccid penis against his best friend's upper-thigh while one of their mates traced around it with a Sharpie. I won't comment on the design, suffice to say that, for his friend's sake, I truly hope it is not as true to life as Carl claims it is.
"I am known all over for the tattoo," he added, "I have had groups of girls recognise us and say: get your leg out, you have a cock on your leg."
Tattoo Fixers saw only one way out of the problem, which was to transforming it into an intricate design of the late rap legend Biggie Smalls. Now, it looks like this:
— TATTOO FIXERS (@E4TattooFixers) March 28, 2016
I will leave you, now, to ruminate on this in your own time. I hope that Biggie is looking down on Carl, on us all, and raising a bottle of Hennessy ready to smash down on every single one of our heads. Alexander wept, for surely there were no more mistakes to make. It cannot get worse than this.
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