It is a misconception that casual sex is something that started happening in America in the 1960s with the advent of birth control or the Free Love Movement and then spread around the world. Casual sex is as old as humans. In ancient times, the strong alpha men had sex with numerous women. They would leave them with offsprings to nourish and raise because they were convinced that's what women are good for. However, the less charming men didn't have that luxury to be selfish scumbags, so they provided women with food and shelter in return for sexual favours. They would give each other their loyalty, and raise kids together. Evidently, most men and women preferred the latter and so started the beautiful concept of family.
Advertisement
All this is to say there are plenty of reasons many women prefer sex in a committed relationship, not all having to do with procreation. Some of us have a complicated view of one night stands, for others, it's stress-free and fun. To understand these views and how they're changing, I asked women around Canada how they feel about casual sex. Here's what they said.When I was younger, I attended Jewish camp where everyone was hooking up all the time. So, casual sex isn't anything exotic for me. I had a pretty bad experience in a long-term relationship, and I don't want to go back for something like that. But, I have sexual needs, and I want someone to fulfill them, without demanding for all the exhaustive emotional labour.When I look back in my relationship, I do think sex is better when you have feelings for someone. I won't lie though—orgasms are pretty exciting. The first time I had casual sex with someone I felt weirdly powerful that OK I fucked some guy. I don't even know his last name.I sometimes feel like casual sex is like a transaction if we don't cuddle or do stuff afterwards. It's a shitty feeling if he's texting other girls. I do remain nervous and careful about STDs. I'm happier when I have a real connection with someone, but it's OK to satisfy your needs because now you can with birth control and normalization of casual sex.The best casual sex experience I had was when this guy was really caring, asked me what I wanted, that was the best. I'd rather emotions be present even if it's casual.
Sarah, account manager, 23
Advertisement
Ali, 19
Raylene, real estate agent, 21
Lily, 22
Prab, student, 19
Advertisement
Orgasms make you happy—it's a simple natural process. I'm in my zone, and I'm satisfied. "Happy" is a strong word for it. I go for casual sex just to satisfy my needs until I find someone I connect with.I don't feel comfortable having sex with strangers. I do need to have an emotional connection. Casual sex makes me feel weak and shitty. I think sex is something you should share with someone you care about and I would feel disgusting and dirty if I hooked up with someone I didn't have feelings for. I think about if I want to have sex with a person before and do it. Sex does make me happy, but I don't like the idea of casual sex. I think the wait to find "the one" is worth it. The reason I say it is because I feel even if the sex isn't great sometimes, you can both feel sad together. Haha.It's addictive. Having sex with multiple men feels empowering for a while when you think everything is under your control. But then you ask yourself, OK what next? You become numb after a while, and you want just to settle. It's one of the worst kind of depressions where you feel lonely especially if you're insecure and emotional like me. There's a huge tendency that you'd end up settling for whatever you can get, and most of the times it is way less than you deserve. It just damages you.I had a crush on this one guy when I was 18 and one day we just hung out, and that lead to us making out and then having sex. I felt kinda happy. This was my first hooking up and sleeping with someone. Back then I thought if we hooked up, it would lead us to a relationship, but it didn't. We just became friends with benefits. Casual sex does not empower me; It makes me feel really bad at times, because I'm a type of person that overthinks on basically everything, so if I've had casual sex, I would be upset all day and just ask myself stupid questions like "why did I do it?" "what if it was shitty?" Maybe if I were still 18 I would say it's great, but now that I'm 22, I'm not much into it. It's just a few minutes of pleasure.I've had some awful experiences, too. For example, when I was 19, I was at a bar and I had a few drinks in me and was feeling lonely since I got out of a long relationship. I saw this guy and I walked up to him and we started talking and one thing lead to another and we ended up hooking up. While everything is happening, he spit on my toe and started licking it, and he had an orgasm from that. Casual sex can be really gross at times.
Aisha, student, 19
Lina, communications coordinator, 25
Maria, 22
Advertisement
Pree, student, 25
Aastha, architect, 23
Nikki, account manager, 27
Advertisement
There are stigmas around having casual sex. It is seen as a bad part of society. But I feel like people living their lives according to social norms are caged animals and I'm a wild animal. I want life to be dynamic, not stagnant. I may or may not get married but I don't see marriage as a goal. Most of the people marry for security and stability. It's not supposed to be a goal for two people who actually love each other.I'm a serial monogamist. When I was 28, I wanted to try and have fun. He wasn't the one to settle but he was so gorgeous. It was three amazing nights. Sex was art. But being the person I am I started wanting more and was disappointed in the end. He liked me but wasn't interested in something long term. Even though I knew going in, that's what it would be but it was hurtful in the end. I felt rejected afterward. I wanted to try something new that I'm not normally, because being who I was, I wasn't getting anywhere regarding marriage so I thought I'm never going to get married and have kids so let me just have fun like a liberated woman. I ended up feeling shitty though.I feel sex is better in relationships, but I admire girls who can do that and are not hung up on one man or cry over them. I believe sex is sacred. But I know society has certain double standards for men and women. Men can do whatever, sleep with whoever, you're a player, you're a dude! But if it's a woman, then she's a hoe, she's a bitch.
Melissa, PR consultant, 38
Advertisement
Casual sex in no way can be empowering for women because it's about morality, not gender. In fact, I think that to a degree something really disempowering could happen if you're too free because at the end of the day, it still comes to be all about the man in the sense that men are delighted just to use your body and walk away and move on to next one. Whereas, being more circumspect and selective empowers you because that makes you more desirable. You're seen as exclusive and to me that resonates more—denying the man access to you is more empowering than to be easily available. Women who have casual sex should have serious conversation with themselves. If you want to do it, do it for the right reasons.I hooked up with someone and it was uncomfortable. I did it because of peer pressure—I thought I had to experience it. Plus growing up in a family when you're told not to touch a guy and stay away from guys—it was an experience to see how it feels like, trial and error. He wasn't someone I see myself with but it was more like a business experience—thank you and see you never. Religiously, and personally I want my virginity to be for my husband because I believe sex is sacred.I don't think women should be involved in casual sex just because men do it. Sex is something more on a personal and individual level because there are plenty men who would have sex only in committed relationships. So, I really don't believe casual sex makes you stronger or weaker—if you're a strong person—you'll remain strong. If it does make you feel stronger or weaker, you have emotional issues and need to figure what you like and don't like. You need to care of your body and be happy by yourself. That's when you're ready to share your life with someone or even engage in casual sex. Do it truly to satisfy your sexual desires—do it just for that.
Filsan, student, 21
Advertisement
Nancy, event planner, 24
Jumoke, business analyst, 28
Advertisement