There's Going Out and then there’s Going Town. Going Out is you down All Bar One with the girlies, photo-in-front-of-the-fridge before you leave in a pre-booked taxi, having a few cheeky glasses of prosexy. Nice dress, little boogie, back home and in bed by 12:30AM. Going Town is a completely different thing.
Going Town is, for example:
- Getting absolutely battered and ending up in a Popworld on your own at half two in the morning
- Drinking so many vodka-sodas that when you lean on the barrier of a smoking area you don’t realise it’s made of fabric and then take it down with you as you go arse over tit outside a late 2000s indie night
- Vomiting (goes without saying)
- Minor injuries accrued while pretending to fight your mate in the street
- Pissing yourself.
Town, ultimately, is a state of mind – one that can only truly be accessed a few beers in while listening to something debased like "I Know You Want Me" by Pitbull. On this plane, the brain transforms and becomes only a vessel for The Craic, and as such you ascend to Town (this is known as having "Gone Town"), only to be brought down the next day by a raging hangover and the sound of your housemate arguing about oat milk with his girlfriend.
In 2018, we have Gone more Town than ever before – it was, after all, the year of World Cup, the year of sweet, endless summer – and thankfully, because we have the internet and idiots waving phones about, we’ll always have the memories. Here is the year in Town:
The Queen of Town
Every Town must have an overlord. Sometimes this is a DJ who plays "Dead or Alive" into "Pony" by Ginuwine. Other times, like now, it is a person who proves themselves more Town than the rest of us. This video is a masterclass in Town. Not only is this an expert pint downing – simple, fuss-free, a clinical unhinging of the jaw – but it's so good that it literally knocks a lad over (people falling down: another crucial element of Town). Bonus points for the fact that she literally just dances out of shot, blissfully unaware of the carnage unfolding elsewhere. Queen of Town.
WORLD FUCKING CUP
July brought the World Cup, and my goodness did the World Cup bring Town. The UK, collectively, got lost in a fever dream of itself, as sweltering days melted into balmy summer nights. In years gone by we'll think of Summer 2018 and we will say to ourselves: "Those were the days." Not least because this lad shinned all the way up a lamppost. T O W N.
The nightclub meme
Town is not all plain sailing, and it is important that we acknowledge that. Town, while being sacred, is also fragile, and the Edinburgh Uni nightclub meme shows how easily Town (as personified by the girl) can be wrenched right back down from its "Thong Song" key change-scaling heights by the Anti-Town (which is always, always some absolutely crap lad talking about Muse).
This, which is class
The Duality of Pints
In November, we were presented with the Duality of Man – nay, the Duality of Town. The best of times; the worst of times – Town contains it all. There was, first of all, the guy at the rugby who looked at his pint with more love, respect and adoration than any of my sexual partners have ever expressed towards me. Have you ever enjoyed anything this much?
But though Town offers euphoria, it sometimes also offers struggle, as we see here:
The lesson here is that sometimes you have to fight to remain on the level. Sometimes the lights are up in the pub, you’ve been on the beers a good few hours and the Spice Girls are properly blaring. The odds are against you, but you carry on. Like this guy, you soldier on. You down the pint. You surge forth: "To Tiger Tiger! TO TOWN!!!!!!!!"
The Spirit of Town Compels You
Like I said: Town is a state of mind. Town is a lifestyle. These lads are living it. Even the one who stacks it and may or may not have broken his wrist.