Jenni Juvonen has a Master's degree in communications, and is currently a product manager in tech. Here, though, through nothing but interstellar dialog, she examines how highly regulated future space sex might work for the benefit of humanity, or, at least, one overworked major. Given the gravity of our times, we felt that something on the lighter side might offer a little release. Enjoy. -the Ed.
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-Evie, I need to fuck. Right now.
-And why are you concerning me with that? Sandy is on intercourse duty, as you would know if you cared to consult the shift list.
-I know it’s her shift. That’s the problem.
-What, exactly, is the problem? If my memory serves me correctly, you had sex with her just six cycles ago.
-I did, so I know it’s not going to help me now. I need someone with a penis.
-You have got to be joking. You know full well that we are not in a position to accommodate for superfluous preferences.
-It’s not superfluous, it’s an actual anatomical difference!
-And are you aware that discrimination based on arbitrary anatomical differences is strictly prohibited both by interspatial law and the code of conduct governing the behavior of everyone on board?
-When it comes to sex, the absence of a penis is hardly arbitrary. I can’t believe I have to explain this to someone who’s enjoyed as many a dick in her time as you have!
-Mark. We are friends, but you forget that I am also the captain of this vessel. When you approach me with a request I am not obliged to entertain, it would serve you well to remember your manners.
-Forgive me, Captain. I request the permission to suggest that another officer of this vessel take partial ownership of Sandy’s intercourse duty tonight.
-Permission granted. Hannes’s duty is scheduled to start in seven hours — I will ask him to report in earlier.
-Oh please, not him…
-You are trying my patience, Mark. Why would you refuse Hannes?
-He’s a dick.
-Sounds ideal for the purpose in question.
-I want one who has one, not one who is one. You wouldn’t understand, you will gladly fuck anyone who’s on duty!
-Manners, Mark.
-Sorry, Captain.
-Engaging in intercourse with anyone who is on duty is my duty, if getting sexual relief will help me perform my tasks better. It is the duty of everyone on this vessel to maintain peak performance.
-That’s what I’m trying to do, Captain.
-So, what do you propose? You have already rejected Sandy and Hannes. I trust you are fully aware of the fact that our crew of twenty can hardly accommodate your every desire.
-I was thinking… Could you ask Jiro?
-Jiro is currently carrying out important maintenance work, but he is scheduled for intercourse duty in three cycles.
-I will explode before that!
-Surely not. You are known for carrying on for extended periods of time with no relief.”
-But this is an emergency — I already feel out of focus. If you make me wait, and enemy combatants engage with us before my relief, I can’t guarantee I will be able to operate our defences to my normal standard.
-Officer, are you threatening to jeopardize the lives of everyone on board, in order to coerce your captain into yielding to your ludicrous demands? I will have you know I have no problems court-martialing you right here, right now, and ejecting you from that airlock without a space suit. I am not so pressed for crew that I cannot afford to lose one who defies my authority and resorts to blackmail.
-Please forgive me, Captain. I phrased myself carelessly. I will, under any and every circumstance, do everything within my power to ensure the success of this ship and the safety of its crew.
-And, let me guess, you are convinced that relief from Jiro is what you need in order to do that.
-Yes, Captain.
-…
-Please, Evie.
-Fine. But you owe me one.
-Thank you, Captain.
-Captain to Engineering, do you copy? Jiro, I have a task for you. Please report in at the Command Centre in half an hour. You can leave your gear in the Bay. Yes, it's urgent. Don’t worry, it won’t take long.