After morphing Timon and Pumbaa into terrifying hellbeasts for the new Lion King and turning Genie into a blue Will Smith-ian monstrosity for 2019's Aladdin, Disney is continuing its unceasing, ruthless quest to ruin our childhood memories with yet another attack: Those monsters are going to remake Home Alone.
According to CNN, Disney's CEO Bob Iger announced this affront against common decency on Tuesday, telling investors in an email that the company would be raising Home Alone from the dead for its new streaming service, Disney+. There's no word on who might star, or what the "reimagining" will look like, but none of that matters—Home Alone doesn't need to be remade, because Home Alone is perfect.
The 1990 original is immaculate, start to finish—one of the only Christmas movies you can watch a thousand times and never get sick of. The party scene, when Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) yanks on an elaborate set of strings to puppeteer a faux rager in his house, all to the tune of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree": flawless. The bumbling, slapstick antics of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern as the Wet Bandits, who manage to strike just the right balance of deeply goofy and seriously threatening: stupendous. That old guy with the shovel who allegedly murdered his family: legitimately terrifying.
How the hell could anyone even try to improve on all that? You can't beat Culkin as Kevin; just remember the failure that was Home Alone 3. You're never going to top that score by John Williams. No mother could be as infuriating and pitiable as Catherine O'Hara was. This list could go on forever, but the point is this: No one could take a movie as golden, as endlessly rewatchable, as toweringly fun and pure and wholesome as Home Alone, and make it better.
But Disney is going to try anyway, because there is money to be made—and because there is money to be made, the company couldn't care less that people will almost undoubtedly hate this thing. Merry Christmas, you filthy, filthy animals. Cheers to tarnishing yet another indelible piece of our childhoods.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.