In honor of Valentine's Day, we're spending the week debunking myths and lies about romance. Read the rest of our "Love is a Hoax" coverage here.
Rightly, there's been a lot of attention on the groups victimized by the Trump presidency: women, Muslims, the LGBTQ community, environmentalists, and refugees. But what about apathetic narcissists like me? Truly, how am I meant to focus relentlessly on my issues when I'm continually being forced to protest Trump's garbage leadership? All this activism is just exhausting for self-involved assholes like myself.
Normally, Valentine's Day would be a prime time to act like a self-indulgent douchebag, but lately my heart's just not been into it. It's hard to get worked up about dying alone when there's true ugliness in the world: Islamophobic immigration policies, Trump's inexplicably ham-like face, or Kellyanne Conway's inauguration outfit. Only kidding! I'm still a selfish asshole. But am I too much of a selfish asshole to ever find love? To find out, I asked a bunch of psychics. Here's what they said.
Nina Ashby, clairvoyant from the Psychic Sisters
You're not going to die without having a long-term, committed relationship. That doesn't mean you won't die alone, though. You could have a loving, committed relationship and still die alone.
I'm seeing the number two. You're going to meet someone in February, the second month of the year. Also, stop staying at home. They're not going to come knocking at your door! You've got to get out. Or, entertain people at your own home. You might want to contact people you haven't seen for a while. I think you're going to meet someone you feel very comfortable with towards the end of February. Let me just tune in here.
You'll meet him via one of your friends—maybe a work colleague or at a work event. He'll be tall, dark-haired, nicely groomed, with brown eyes. He's about three years older than you. He came out of a relationship ten months ago, but he's in a place where he feels more serious now. He wants a family. Music will bind you together. His heart and intentions are good. I'm not seeing what profession he's in. He'll wear a plaid shirt.
Verdict: Will marry a work colleague who wears plaid.
Deborah Louise Levin, clairvoyant and life and spirit coach
I'm focusing ten years from now. You're going to go back to a relationship you'd rejected or dismissed in your earlier years. Honestly girl, you're going to wind up with someone you crossed paths with in your earlier years. You attempted to have a romantic connection but it didn't work at the time. In your heart, you felt was the one. Are you going to die alone? No. But it will take a while. You might have to relocate—I'm seeing Australia.
I'm actually very concerned about your hair. I'm tuning into your hair a lot. It's more of a concern than your love life. Don't get creative or try a new hairstyle. I absolutely would not be doing that right now. Any changes with your hair right now... I wouldn't even change your shampoo. A change to your hair regime right now could be a disaster.
Verdict: Will have to wait a decade and move to Australia, must not change shampoo.
Paul Azdic, psychic medium
You have to tell the universe exactly what you want. I'm seeing someone showing up in six months who's going to be a little older. Dark hair, strong personality, can come off a bit arrogant. They're 5'11", maybe six foot. Green or hazel eyes. Maybe he's a bit exotic? He's going to make you laugh. There will also be a blond guy at the end of the year. He's going to be more athletic, really into music. He's very pretty, by the way. Really pretty. Walks into a room, people are staring at him. Are you going to die alone? No. But you have to start believing it's going to happen. Try going out more and don't be afraid to go drinking by our own sometimes. Do you go to fashion events? Look for men there.
From now on, you need to pretend there's a genie standing by you. Every-time you want something, you say it to the genie, and he grants you your wish. Stop worrying you're going to die alone. Think about what you're telling the genie. Your new mantra is, "I'm married, I've got a boyfriend, I'm so looking forward to having a wonderful life with my partner, we're going to travel the world and live in New York."
Also, you should get a dark colored cat.
Verdict: Will find love, should start drinking alone and looking for straight men at fashion events.