After the tyrannical summer reign of the culotte, it seemed that we were safe. The wide-legged, patterned bandits appeared ready to be replaced with some new fall staples, perhaps trendier and more 70s-inspired than some of us would like, but certainly not a jersey culotte, and so we were out of the woods. Sure, corduroy was happening again, and it's not the most flattering fabric in the world, but it's cosy and has a certain OshKosh B'gosh comfort to it. And fine, wide leg pants are very much still present, but a full-length leg means you can work something out with heels or flatforms or something, if you must. And those of us uninterested can just put on one of those button-front A-line skirts that you're required by law to sell in three colours if you're a fashion retailer in October 2015.
This autumn has wrought a new, crueler torment: cropped, flared pants. Designed at no one's request with no one in mind, these look good on no one and contribute nothing to any ensemble. Pop a pair of these on and you will have cold shins and wide calves, a brightly patterned camel toe and a strong whiff of "Delia's model fallen on hard times." Somehow, despite all this, these pants are everywhere. Below, please find a compete list of worse ideas than cropped, flared pants. Anything not included on this list should be considered a better idea.
- Blackface Halloween costumes
- Talking to your elderly uncle about reproductive rights
- Keeping your ex's phone number "for when we're friends again"
- "Festival fashion"
- Slow jams at karaoke
- Flirting via celebrity impression
- "Fun" voicemail messages
- Actually committing to a cleanse
- Dating a freegan
- Telling someone they're "good on Twitter"
- Reading the comments
- Participating in the comments
- Publicly declaring yourself "not a feminist" during the press junket for your major motion picture
- Trying out new slang in front of coworkers
- Not using the condom "for a bit"
- Flared, cropped cargo pants
- Flared, cropped "pants," UK version (undies)
- Adult subtweeting
- Sitting next to someone on the subway without leaving the distance of a courtesy seat
- Lifestyle blogging
- Group email chains
- Acoustic covers of hip hop songs
- Ukulele covers of any song
- Making a big deal about how you're "about to start exercising"
- "Just to play Devil's Advocate for a second..."
[NB: this is a comedy article. There is no idea worse than cropped, flared pants.**
**except for flared, cropped cargo pants, obviously.]