How Every Team Can Follow the P.K. Subban Model for Publicity

This piece of offseason news may have slipped past you, so I'll repeat it since it hasn't garnered much coverage—PK Subban is now a member of the Nashville Predators. I know, right? The Montreal Canadiens traded him for former Flyers legend Shea Weber straight up. I'm surprised you hadn't heard.

Along with getting the superior player in the deal, the Predators also received a player that is far more marketable. Predators GM David Poile even touched on that aspect in an interview with The Tennessean, saying: "We're in the entertainment business. We're trying to put on a good show for our fans."

Of course, Poile believes there's nothing as entertaining as winning, but having the outgoing, fun-loving, likable Subban in a non-traditional market like Nashville offers many chances for free publicity. Not long after the deal, Subban arrived in Nashville to sing Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" at Tootsie's, and the video became a story for Rolling Stone. That's about as hard as one can pander to a fan base, but hey, it works.

Publicity for NHL teams and players, especially in mid-July, is nearly impossible to get, yet Subban found himself everywhere. The Predators were pleased.

So what would it take for the other 29 teams to have something similar happen? Who on these teams filled with introverted players can embrace the spotlight in their local markets? How can teams grab headlines via their players?

Glad you asked.

Player: Ryan Getzlaf
Publicity stunt: He attends Comic-Con and gets fully immersed in the cosplay. He dresses up as Corey Stoll's character in Ant-Man, Darren Cross (aka Yellowjacket) and flies around the event. In case you haven't pieced it together, this is an elaborate bald joke.

Player: Mike Smith
Publicity stunt: Instead of singing, Smith joins a local theater troupe that's performing Edge of Tomorrow. He will play the lead role and since he has to die multiple times to reset the day, and since he has experience pretending to do that in net if he's touched ever so slightly, he should do well in this role.

Player: Brad Marchand
Publicity stunt: Since he's known as a rat to many, we have cameras follow him into a Boston subway station as he drags a slice of pizza behind him. Pizza Rat went viral last year and there's no reason this wouldn't do the same.

Player: Ryan O'Reilly
Publicity stunt: Ryan gets in his custom-made truck and drives to Tim Hortons. He parks the vehicle, exits and enters the donut shop. He places an order, pays for it and leaves. He drives home and consumes his coffee and donut. That's it. If the Buffalo media goes crazy for a guy who crashes a truck into a Tim Hortons, they'll go even wilder for a guy who simply goes there for breakfast without incident.

Player(s): Johnny Gaudreau and Sam Bennett
Publicity stunt: They star in The Fault In Our Stars 2. The hot new movie genre is Dying Teens and while Gaudreau (22) and Bennett (20) aren't teens, they can pull it off. Only instead of dying of cancer in this movie, they are slowly dying from playing for the Flames. It ends with Bennett "dying" but being happy that Gaudreau gets traded to Nashville. It's possible the organization wouldn't approve this.

Player: Jeff Skinner
Publicity stunt: He stars in an episode of The Simpsons and plays himself, the long-lost son of Seymour Skinner. OK, maybe it's not an entire episode. Maybe it's just a throwaway joke about how Seymour put him up for adoption. Not all of these are going to be gold.

Player: Jonathan Toews
Publicity stunt: He does 20 minutes of stand-up at The Second City comedy club in Chicago. Perhaps the most boring… sorry, "serious" … captain in the NHL, him expressionlessly delivering jokes like, "Take my wife, please" would make people's years.

Player: Matt Duchene
Publicity stunt: He unveils a new line of products that bear his name—Matt Duchene Douches. His picture is on the box, the Avs' logo is on the bottle and… hang on, I'm being told to move on to the next team. Fine.

Player: John Tortorella (who is not a player)
Publicity stunt: He agrees to appear on an episode of Bar Rescue, as host Jon Taffer is enlisted to help fix up Tortorella's bar area in his home. Taffer screams at Tortorella; Tortorella screams at Taffer. It all ends with them fighting shirtless in Tortorella's front yard. It will be the first "hockey fight" to get the World Star treatment.

Player: Jamie Benn
Publicity stunt: Benn takes a job as a moving man and does so to help people in low-income areas that can't afford professional moving people. Benn has the specific task of setting up the boxes. He builds the boxes, fills the boxes and tapes the boxes shut. He handles every aspect of the box, no matter how off-putting it is to him. It's the sort of uplifting publicity that you want to box and ship to all corners of the globe.

Player: Justin Abdelkader
Publicity stunt: Detroit is all about the American automobile and the Michigan-born Abdelkader is the perfect person to have his very own car—the Ford Abdelkader. It will embody the player perfectly, as it will be OK but very overhyped. If other cars coming in the other direction get too close, a door will open and crack the other car as it passes, knocking the car off the road and leaving it unable to perform for at least a week.

Player: Adam Larsson
Publicity stunt: A masked man runs out of a bank. He's carrying a bag with a $ on it. Before he gets to the car, he is tackled by police. They remove his mask and it's Larsson. He looks into the camera and says, "A lot of people feel the Oilers were victims of larceny in the Taylor Hall trade but I plan to steal your hearts this season as I commit… Larssony." It works because he'll say it and it sounds like larceny. It can also be a PSA for bank robbery. I don't know.

Player: Jaromir Jagr
Publicity stunt: In an effort to reach out to the elderly community that populates South Florida, Jagr visits an old-age home dressed in old-age makeup. With hidden cameras trailing him, he utterly dominates the old people in shuffleboard and dominoes. The women love him when he shakes his big butt on the dance floor. That will fill the building in Sunrise.

Player: Dustin Brown
Publicity stunt: Brown either visits schools in the Los Angeles area or opens his own school. Despite his good intentions, he keeps losing his mind when the kids recite the alphabet. "A-B-C-D-E…" "NO! NO!" Brown screams. "Remove the C! Take away the C!" Brown eventually breaks down on the floor of the classroom, causing the kids to cry.

Player: Mikko Koivu
Publicity stunt: Mikko opens a business that allows him to use many of his state's bodies of water. He has a glass-bottom boat (not the one you find on Urban Dictionary) that strictly floats in a koi pond. The name of his business is Koi Views and he always asks his customers, "Do you like the… koi view?" Hey, this is free content so take it and like it.

Player: Shea Weber
Publicity stunt: He visits the children's hospital and all the kids cry and ask where P.K. Subban is. He goes from room to room and each kid is more disappointed than the previous. I don't know how this helps Weber or the Canadiens but it would make me laugh my ass off so let's make it happen.

Player: Joseph Blandisi
Publicity stunt: Blandisi is a noted diver and has put tremendous effort into his craft. We get some of New Jersey's most renowned actors—Meryl Streep, Joe Pesci, Bruce Willis—to take an acting class with Blandisi. "No, no, Meryl, that's not how you act like you got shot. This is how you do it." Then he just shows a clip of him diving against the Flyers. This lasts 10 minutes.

Player: Travis Hamonic
Publicity stunt: There's a massive subway station across from Barclays Center and in New York, many platforms feature musicians playing guitar or any other instrument you can imagine. Hamonic will do just this, only his instrument of choice will be the harmonica. The Hamonic Harmonica. Look, I'm tired of Brooklyn hipster jokes so this is what you get.

Player: Rick Nash
Publicity stunt: Magic! He will participate in one of those great David Copperfield-esque illusions. Only instead of making the Statue of Liberty vanish, Nash will ascend to the roof of Madison Square Garden and in a cloud of smoke, he will vanish. This way Rangers fans can say they've seen Nash disappear at MSG before the season and during the playoffs.

Player: Erik Karlsson
Publicity stunt: Karlsson sits down at a piano in a packed hall. He plays seven minutes of the most beautiful music you've heard. Men and women weep. Two guys in Drew Doughty jerseys in the back of the room are stunned. They look at each other, mouths agape.

"He's really good. He hit every note, every key."

"I know. Turns out we were wrong. He does play D."

Player: Dale Weise
Publicity stunt: Much like Subban, Weise is a new player in a new city and he will go right for the obvious ploy—cheesesteaks. He eats one at Pat's, but people get mad he didn't get one at Geno's. So he gets another one at Geno's, but that upsets the Pat's people. So to make everyone happy, he sucker punches a guy in a Sidney Crosby jersey and everyone in Philadelphia rejoices.

Player: Carl Hagelin
Publicity stunt: The Penguins are pretty much done with free agency, but Hagelin could have represented all the team's UFAs and RFAs in negotiations with Jim Rutherford, who is frustrated by Hagelin's tactics. It ends with each player getting a very good deal and Rutherford saying directly into the camera, "This guy is a good player but he's a great agent because he's good at… Hagelin." We're almost done, promise.

Player(s): Joe Thornton and Brent Burns
Publicity stunt: The Sharks "trade" the pair to Anaheim. They drive south, get out of the car, walk into the arena, then the locker room. They put on their new jerseys and say, "It's time to start a Duck dynasty." You see, because of their beards, Thornton and Burns look like they are on the TV show Duck Dynasty. However, they play for the Sharks. This is the 23rd joke on this list.

Player: Kevin Shattenkirk
Publicity stunt: He takes a poop in the shape of Captain Kirk from Star Trek. Let's not overthink this one.

Player: Steven Stamkos
Publicity stunt: He announces to the world that he's ready to buy a new car. He's a Lexus owner but he feels he may need to shop around for a new car. A Volvo dealership up north is promising a very good deal. Days, weeks and months go past without him extending his lease. Just before his lease expires, he re-signs with Lexus and gets the car for a somewhat unfair deal from his local dealer. "This deal works well for both sides," says Tampa auto dealer of the year, Dave Yzerman.

Player: Brooks Laich
Publicity stunt: What's the most important demographic? Young people. What do young people love? Twitter and Instagram. In an effort to reach out to this segment of the population, Brooks will walk all over Toronto and "Laich" tweets and pictures personally. He will scroll through your phone and "Laich" that picture of your dinner or your tweet about Auston Matthews. This is a stupid idea.

Player: Markus Granlund
Publicity stunt: The Canucks start a new sports web site designed to bring attention to their team—Granlund. Henrik Sedin will write a story about how Vancouver's own Ryan Reynolds isn't a movie star, then print a retraction after remembering the box-office success of Deadpool. All the players will write great stuff for the site, which will eventually close its doors when its editor sabotages it over petty differences with management by hiring its editors to work elsewhere.

Player: Brooks Orpik
Publicity stunt: It's a brand new game show that allows fans to decide what they'd rather have: Brooks Orpik or a prize. The fan has to answer an Orpik trivia question, then gets to choose between meeting the player or winning a toothpick, water pick or a pick axe. The name of the show: "Brooks Or Pik?" Remember, you didn't pay any money for this content.

Player: Marko Dano
Publicity: Tickets to Jets games are hidden around Winnipeg. Fifty fans are blindfolded near the arena. The tickets are all located next to speakers. Dano is in a van loaded with TVs that allows him to see the fans and tickets. He also has a microphone connected to the speakers. So when a fan screams MARKO he screams DANO to let them know where the tickets are. We probably need to block traffic in the area to prevent fatalities.