Welcome Back, College Football (Sorta)!

Happy college football day!

After eight long months—long enough that if you conceived little Nicholas Saban [Last Name] on the eve of the Alabama's national title win, he's almost here to watch the Crimson Tide go for a repeat—college football returns with Cal vs. Hawaii.

The rest of the regular season starts next week, but thanks to Cal and Hawaii's decision to play a football game in Australia, we get a one-game preview of the 2016 season to save us from the the NFL preseason games we've been watching as a placeholder. So here's what you need to know about this game.

Is either team any good?

No. Well, probably not. Hawaii has more financial disadvantages than any other program in FBS football, so the Warriors haven't been good in quite some time. Their last winning season was in 2010, and they haven't finished the season ranked in the AP poll since the batshit crazy 2007 season, when Kansas also had a viable football program.

Cal just had the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft—quarterback Jared Goff—for three years, and the best the Bears got out of him was one winning season and a berth in the Armed Forces Bowl. Now, Cal doesn't have Goff and will likely finish no better than fourth (out of sixth) in the Pac-12 North.

Cal is certainly better than Hawaii, but this won't be the most well-played game you've ever watched.

The good news is, there will be lots of points.

Last year, Cal showed remarkable improvement on defense in its third year under Sonny Dykes, ranking just 102nd nationally in opponent yards per play, at 6.02. To be sure, that is the mark of a very bad defense, but it's an improvement off of 2014—107th and 6.27 YPP—and 2013 where they ranked 119th and gave up 7.08 YPP (!!!).

Think about that: A power conference defense with actual recruited players gave up over seven yards to its opponents every time they snapped the ball.

Hawaii's defense isn't great, either. It gave up 5.55 yards per play last season, but mostly against worse competition. The betting line opened at 22.5, with an over/under of 63. That means Vegas expects, roughly, a 40-20 game. It's not a great game, but it certainly is a lot of touchdowns after eight months of exactly zero touchdowns.

Why is this game in Australia?

Because college football is a business, even though it pretends not to be. Without providing proof, Cal athletic director Mike Williams said the school will get "over seven figures" in profit from the game, and while college football accounting is always dubious, the Bears will get national exposure that they likely won't get the rest of the season.

This game is bad for non-rich fans, and while it's probably fun for players, this clearly was not a decision made with athletes' schooling in mind. (Reminder: The NCAA claims all decisions are based on academics first.)

Apparently people in Australia will pay to bring college football there, though. That's all that matters.

Are there any other games this weekend?

As long as you don't care about the level of football, if you want to watch a better game, watch perennial FCS power North Dakota State take on Charleston Southern on Saturday. Then count down the days until Saturday, September 3.