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A Sex Worker Explains How to Send Better Sexts

"Fluorescent lights are a battle I will never win, but if you're twenty-two and have never smoked a cigarette in your life, then by all means, roll the dice."

by Lydia Faithfull
Sep 18 2016, 11:55am

Image by Jovo Jovanovic via Stocksy

Lydia Faithfull is a full-time sex worker at the Love Ranch brothel in Nevada. She specializes in domination, humiliation, and good conversation. She refuses to kiss for money.

Dear Lydia,

I've been texting back and forth with this guy I'm super into, and things have been getting a little sexy but not so much so. How do I take it to the next level? How do I sext a nude selfie that is a beautiful fucking photoshopped goddess version of myself without it actually looking like an obvious photoshopped version of myself? Also, dudes seem to have it pretty easy in that they just get hard and snap a pic of their dick—but what's a girl to send?

Men have it easy because women tolerate those uninspiring dick pics. What burns my ass the most is their complete lack of showmanship. Women spend an incredible amount of time preparing hair and makeup, finding the most flattering light, and contorting bodies into perfection. We'll shoot dozens of angles and scrutinize the disadvantages of each. Dudes yank down their pants, get hard, and then tap a button.

Requesting a selfie from a woman is often asking that she stew in self-loathing for thirty minutes. It's a red flag of entitlement. Selfies should never be sent out of a sense of obligation. We should unleash hell on any man who attempts to exploit our attraction. In my Tinder days, I'd respond to those solicitations with a sign that read "This DJ does not take requests" and would immediately un-match the fool.

Read more: A Sex Worker Explains How to Be More Confident in Bed

In my selfies, I prefer the implication of nudity and never show my face and body simultaneously. Not because I'm fearful of being identified; I just dislike direct vulgarity. There's no seduction or mystery in putting everything on full display. What's left to see or know after that?

Photoshop is helpful for minor imperfections, but I think you'd do better to learn the flattering angles of your body. I've found that everyone looks flawless in water and natural sunlight. Fluorescent lights are a battle I will never win, but if you're twenty-two and have never smoked a cigarette in your life, then by all means, roll the dice.

Captivating a man isn't difficult when you mean everything you say.

In sexting or taking selfies, always communicate your intentions. Tell this dude exactly what he makes you feel and what you'd love to be doing with him. For example: You're home alone watching Netflix but you'd rather be sitting on his lap, feeling him through his jeans. Give a mental image to accompany your mysterious selfie and tease the ever-loving shit out of him. Captivating a man isn't difficult when you mean everything you say.

Image courtesy Lydia Faithfull

Dear Lydia,

I've been with my partner for years and want to open up our relationship. Can we survive that? Is it worth it or just the trendy thing that everyone is doing right now but will likely regret when monogamy is hip again in 2017?

Fortuitous timing, friend. I've recently found myself on the flip side of an open relationship, having developed feelings for a man who is partnered but ethically available. Our arrangement is not something I've ever sought or envisioned for myself, and there's much to reconcile. Almost immediately, poor communication and failure to discuss boundaries led to hurt feelings. This is a sticky situation, and I must accept there will be similar missteps along the way. Yet here we are, undeniably smitten and consciously moving forward.

Are you prepared to navigate those hurt feelings, exchanging exclusivity for a kind of negotiated democracy? Have you acknowledged how frustrating and time-consuming this may become, and how much sensitivity would be required of everyone involved?

Read more: A Sex Worker Explains How She Separates Her Work from Her Sex Life

I'm wondering what's motivated you to consider such a risk. Have you met someone, or been unfaithful? Does this stem from sexual dissatisfaction? Are you in need of validation or affection? Perhaps you're interested in another gender? I want you to examine why before contemplating how. If you're unhappy with your partner, please don't suggest opening the relationship because you're unsure of how to walk away. If this is not a decision you've arrived at together, then it's a selfish one indeed. Let's assume you've discussed this together in depth, and they feel safe enough to move forward. I urge you to write down your collective fears and uncover your boundaries. What are the deal-breakers? How will you ensure sexual safety? Would there be veto power if either partner felt emotionally threatened? Describe for one another what your ideal situation looks like and ensure that you're working toward the same goal. Ideally, the inclusion of others should add more to your coupledom and not detract from what already exists.

The way your sexual relationship began is a strong indicator of what's to come. If it developed with a sense of adventure and you've experimented with third parties, then I have great hope for you and believe you stand a fighting chance.

Dear Lydia,

I just started seeing this boy and we've had sex a couple of times. He's a dom, but so am I. The sex so far hasn't been great because I mostly just act as the sub and let him be dom. I just don't want to lose him if he's not into it. Can two doms ever successfully date each other? What about two subs? How do we do this?

Darling, you've only gotten down with this dude a few times, so please don't sweat this too hard. It concerns me that you've made big accommodations for someone you've only recently met. You're setting a dangerous precedent for what sounds like pretty unsatisfying sex.

If the sex is dreadful, why invest another moment of your precious time?

Though I earn my living as a professional dominatrix, power dynamics are seldom part of my romantic relationships. I know what I require sexually, and it's got nothing to do with authority. There are activities I vehemently dislike and those I cannot live without. In the past, I've had partners who did not share my enthusiasm for particular sex acts, and lived in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction. I couldn't fathom that now. I'm an odd duck in that although I'm a genuine sadist, I feel zero attraction to submissive men. It's far more gratifying to pursue an assertive man that I find compelling, and omit the power dynamic. My sessions as a pro-domme serve as a healthy outlet for my sexual sadism.

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Which brings me to my recommendation for Domme/Dom (or Domme/Domme, Dom/Dom) and Sub/Sub couples. If neither party is comfortable switching, why not visit a dungeon together as a couple? Many dungeons employ professional submissives and switches, in addition to Mistresses and Masters. It needn't be a dungeon, even. You could attend a BDSM munch or lifestyle event together and easily meet an interested third party.

At the risk of sounding like the ghost at the feast, you and your dude may just be sexually incompatible. Better to recognize it now than after feelings develop. Which is precisely why I'm a big proponent of fucking on the first date. If the sex is dreadful, why invest another moment of your precious time?