RIP: Rappers Remember 4 Loko

Contrary to popular belief, not all Americans are rappers, but like every other American alive, rappers don't know how to binge drink. 50 Cent may be a bullet-ridden lunatic who tweets every time he has a wank, but I bet he couldn't strawpedo a bottle of wine for shit, never mind know how to down dirty pints, play Ring of Fire or even Ping Pang Pong. So it was with a great sense of wonder and gusto that the Greatest Country In The World, and all the rappers in it, recently greeted 4 Loko; an alcoholic energy drink that comes in a container the size of a wine bottle, the contents of which is said to be equivalent to a cup of coffee and six pints of beer. Unsurprisingly, it has now been banned.

Initially, the idea of binge drinking was so foreign to the American media that one lady from an anti-alcohol organisation went on CBS News and tried to dissuade young people from buying it by pointing out that 4 Loko "enables young people to stay awake longer, party harder and drink more" (2:28), while the news anchor warns that at £2 a can you can get "very drunk, very fast, very cheaply" (2:40).

Sadly, some spoiled children ruined the party for everyone by getting so Loko’d that nine people from the same party ended up puking their insides out in hospital, which lead to the drink being pulled from the shelves. This hasn’t stopped websites sprouting up to archive tales of krazee experiences with the sugary nightcap, or indeed rappers from proclaiming their love of binging on 4 Loko through music. Here are the best of them:

GWOP GANG – "FOUR LOKO"

When it comes to glorifying binge drinking until you throw up, these guys might not be the biggest retching drunks at the party, but compared to most of the songs dedicated to 4 Loko this song is actually good. The chorus hook about getting "fow lowkow" at the "cowner-stowow" is a real highlight.

HOW LOKO? 4 LOKO.

YOUNG DOOBY – "FOUR LOKO"

It’s clear from the flashes of various Eastern deities in the intro that for these guys the effects of 4 Loko are akin to a transcendental experience. As uncomfortable as Young Dooby is with binge drinking, like a true, red-faced Brit abroad he’s too drunk to give a fuck: "That kinda drunk there is kinda scary / but I don’t give a fuck because I’m on that Loko baby!"

HOW LOKO? 3 LOKO.

RICOSUAVE – "SO LOKO"

Ricosuave is presumably so Loko’d on 4 Loko that he couldn’t bring himself to do anything more for his video than merely post the first few Google image results for 4 Loko. The song itself sounds less like being drunk and more like choking on laughing gas.

HOW LOKO? 1 LOKO

L BOOGIE – 4 LOKO

These boys sound about 15 years old, and the fact that they've included their AIM addresses alongside photos of them with their shirts off in this pretty much proves that. It makes me doubt that they’ve ever "cracked a Loko and a chick the same night," as they claim to have done in their video.

HOW LOKO? 3 LOKO.

CHOCOLATE CITY – "FOUR LOKO"

Whilst their name sounds like a miscegenous evening of rut that Art Hammer would be proud to preside over, their music isn't nearly as chirpy as a massive racist gang bang. These boys seem far too clean cut to involve themselves in anything so exciting, so ultimately this is quite tame, and as such unillustrative of the 4 Loko experience.

HOW LOKO? 1 LOKO.

FESE – "FOUR LOKO"

The tone of this song is set out at 1:14 with a girl being sick on herself, but not in a funny, can of vegetable soup/collegehumor.com sort of way, in more of a realistic, string-of-spit-hanging-from-the-mouth kind of way. It's actually so evocative of being drunk and sick that watching it makes my mouth fill with saliva. I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen such an accurate representation of throwing up off of alcohol in a music video before, so it goes without saying that this song is as Loko as they come.

HOW LOKO? So LOKO.

FYI – "FOUR LOKO"

"If they don’t drink Loko, they can keep dreamin’ / but if they drink Loko, then they can drink semen." What a line.

HOW LOKO? 2 LOKO.

JOSH GATES – "FOUR LOKO"

If you met this guy in a bar he would step on your shoe, ask you what your problem is, give you his phone number and tell you to ring him. Because that’s pretty much what he does in this video.

HOW LOKO? 504-415-5487 LOKO.

YUNG TRAP – "4 LOKO"

Something tells me that when Yung Trap listened to Biggie Smalls, he hated the fat guy talking and wanted to hear more from the annoying skinny guy who made stupid noises at the end of each line. As annoying as his Puff Daddy-isms might be, it’s worth listening to this song just to hear lines like "Wait – where’s my water bottle? Pour the water out, now there’s Loko in my bottle."

HOW LOKO? 2 LOKO.

[poll ID="12"]