Coachella Celebrity Deathmatch

Who would win in a brawl between A$AP Mob and Glitch Mob? Would the alien living inside of Lorde help her exile Haim into the multiverse? We answer these questions and many more.

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Jan 9 2014, 7:40pm

Fifteen years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, a music festival named Coachella, and MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, no Cash, and no Celebrity Deathmatch. It's no wonder all of our hope, jobs, and cash are dwindling when people continue to work real human hours to acquire actual currency in order to spend it on Coachella, a hollow husk of a festival that at this point is basically a Muse and Outkast concert in the middle of a sweltering desert that puts "Nas" in the same font size as "Kid Cudi" on its flyer.

As a young millennial hurtling towards the uncertainties of Y2K, I had many questions that seemed destined to remain unanswered. Were those glow-in-the-dark headphones worth the time it took selling all of that wrapping paper for my elementary school fundraiser? Was the Windows 3D pipes screensaver actually infinite? Who was I really talking to in that chatroom? Fortunately, MTV loved me enough to know I needed to know who would win in a fight between Marilyn Manson and Charles Manson. Thanks to countless hours spent watching Celebrity Deathmatch in the guest room of my parents' house, I became a Deathmatch expert. I had no clue who Prince Charles was, but I knew he smashed Prince's head through his own body with a croquet mallet. I didn't know much about Celine Dion's involvement with the Titanic soundtrack, but I did know that her insides were inhabited by a parasitic exploding alien known as Zatar.

Looking back on it, my obsession with animated celebrity violence was probably responsible in part for my eventual musical tastes. Without it, I might not have heard names like Trent Reznor, Fiona Apple, or the Gallagher brothers for years to come. But it’s also left me with some weird-ass questions floating around in my head. Like what would happen in a brawl between A$AP Mob and The Glitch Mob? Or what if The Dismemberment Plan and Headhunterz were left to fight for their lives in a cage? And is Lorde the latest victim of Zatar's body invasion? These are important and vital queries, especially in desperate times like these. So, I've taken it upon myself to answer them for you.

This is Coachella Celebrity Deathmatch. Begin.

Muse vs. Outkast vs. Arcade Fire

This is the Deathbowl '99 of Coachella. A Triple Threat Triangle Match with zero eliminations. Muse takes the initial leg-up by confusing both opponents with lasers, fog machines, and a PowerPoint presentation about returning to the gold standard. Like most Muse shows though, underneath the veneer of the elaborate production, this tactic proves to be completely devoid of substance. Eventually the fog machine is their undoing. They become lost and confused, allowing all 30 members of Arcade Fire the chance to surround them, resulting in what looks more like a jump-in than a fight. Big Boi sits on the ropes observing, while Andre 3000 unleashes his powers of telekinesis, picking members of Arcade Fire off one by one.

Andre is eventually pinned down and ripped apart when hundreds of Arcade Fire's well-dressed fans show up and pay hundreds of dollars a piece to show their support. Once Andre's body is reduced to only a bubbling crimson puddle left to evaporate from the desert floor, the rabid Arcade Fire fans turn to Big Boi. In their misplaced suburban rage they fail to notice Fonzworth Bentley descending slowly from the sky, tommy gun in one hand, a single open umbrella in the other.

Minutes later the match is over, ending with an unmoved Big Boi wiping the blood from his vintage Cazal sunglasses.

A$AP Mob vs. Glitch Mob

Given that Rocky and his crew already have a history of brawling at their shows, this one seems pretty obvious. Even if this were on Glitch Mob's turf in a polished LA venue or a pseudo-DIY New York City warehouse and not in the barren, uninhabitable desert that is Coachella, they'd still only have their laptops and an unreliable fan base, who are more a collection of other people's choices than they are actual human beings, to defend themselves with. In the end Glitch Mob bleeds out in a shallow, sandy grave from kitchen wisp-related injuries and multiple stabbings.

Haim vs. Lorde

Lorde's hollow husk of a body splits open. Zatar emerges, wiping blood and steel-wool-thick black hair from his scales. He drags Haim screaming into the nether-reaches of the multiverse.

City & Colour/Anthony Green vs. Wye Oak/Daughter

After bonding over their same last names and similar career trajectories involving riding the shoulders of whatever genre 14-year-olds are most prone to consume at any given moment, Dallas of City & Colour and Anthony Green decide to tag-team up against indie-folk groups Wye Oak and Daughter. No violence occurs, however, as Daughter sings everyone to sleep after they began arguing over Dallas Green's Canadian spelling of "Colour."

AFI vs. Anti-Flag

The audience is comprised solely of local bands who had to sell tickets for a pay-to-play opening slot. Anti-Flag surrenders immediately in a display of pacifism/weakness, resulting in the local openers climbing into the ring for an all-out war, witnessed only by a handful of parents sitting behind the soundboard giving unsolicited advice to the audio guy.

I trust that this has proved informative for anyone planning on attending Coachella 2014! Hopefully, you now have a better understanding of which acts deserve your attention more than others. After this in-depth and conclusive analysis, the only thing you should really have to worry about is death by heat exhaustion. And Zatar, the parasitic, body-snatching alien living inside of Lorde.

Lukas Hodge is a noted Celebrity Deathmatch scholar. He's on Twitter - @lukashodge