Making a Stink: Why a Woman Called the Cops on a Man for Farting

In Sweden, the land of the best local news, a woman called the police on a man who "revenge farted" in her home, according to the English language newspaper The Local. The alleged incident of malicious flatulence took place on Sunday, after the woman rebuffed the man's sexual advances. Before he left her apartment, angry and dejected, he let loose a big old fart, the woman claimed to the police. She "had found the smell of the fart disturbing," the publication reports.

Certainly, the act of passing gas is unpleasant, but is it a crime? In my opinion, farting is unacceptable under any circumstances; if given the power, I would unilaterally ban it. Everyone knows that it's always men who use their farts against people—(see: this Reddit thread)—and it's high time they stopped getting away with it. After all, punishing bodily functions when they're used as weapons isn't unheard of. In the US, at least, intentionally spitting on someone fits well within the definitions of assault. In 2007, a US appeals court ruled that "intentionally spitting on another person is an offensive touching that rises to the level of simple assault."

To qualify as assault, however, the "touching" aspect is key. And while farts can ubiquitously permeate the air into which they are released, metaphorically touching every unsuspecting nostril in the area, that doesn't really count, according to a lawyer.

I first reached out to criminal defense lawyer Jeremy Saland via email. He then called me back to verify my identity because he thought my message inquiring into the legal nature of farts was a prank. I assured him it was not; I sincerely wanted answers. Unfortunately, he bursted my gassy bubble pretty quickly. "It's absolutely preposterous that someone would be prosecuting for passing gas on or at another person," he said.

Each state has its own laws regarding assault, but they look pretty similar. Using New York as an example, Saland defined harassment in the second degree as when one "strikes, shoves, or otherwise subjects such other person to physical contact or attempt to or threaten to do the same."

Spitting, he argued, involves physical contact. "We can all think of public health issues that could be transferred through that type of contact," he said. "That being said, there's no physical contact if you're farting on someone or in their direction. [Being farted upon] has no long-term or protracted impact on your health, nor does it follow you in a manner that would cause an irritation that you wouldn't be able to avoid. You could just walk away, in theory."

A fart's ephemerality also makes it difficult to prosecute, Saland said. "There's also issues of provability in terms of intent. If you're spitting on somebody, you have to look in their direction. You have to clear your throat, put your lips together, and project. Passing gas is quite different," he explained. "I don't think I need to describe the manner in which one may pass gas.

"If you spit on somebody, there would be some residue from the saliva that you could secure and preserve. How do you preserve a fart?" he added.

Unfortunately for victims of revenge farting who are hurting and silenced, you cannot. The most reliable way to retaliate against a revenge fart, it seems, is to revenge fart back.