Here Are Your March Madness Selection Sunday Results

So hey, they came up with the near-arbitrary list of basketball teams that are going to face each other down in the hungriest of hunger games, March Madness. Here's the complete bracket:

and:

Oh, what's that? Your team didn't make it? Boo-fucking-hoo. They either didn't play well, or are victims of the wildly-biased selection process. That's the system—it's designed to drag the little people down. Huh? Your team got a lower seed than they deserved? You're in the Big Dance, compadre—dejate llorar, slap on some zapatos and bailar, motherfucker.

No, but seriously, the top seeds were pretty predictable: Villanova, Kansas, North Carolina, and Gonzaga—the latter of whom are finally getting their due respect. Duke thankfully got knocked down a peg after losing to UNC on March 4—and somebody was watching. Though Duke did get more top 20 RPI wins than North Carolina.

Wichita State and Middle Tennessee were shafted a bit at 10 seed and 12 seed, respectively. And then Syracuse is gonna do some crying as they were edged out, but they carried too many L's throughout the season at 18-14. Some people are fussing about Cal, Illinois State, and Iowa also being the other three of the first four out—or maybe Georgia instead of someone? And Northern Kentucky—who did make it—is facing an interesting situation, pitted against in-state rivals No 2 seed Kentucky. Not to mention FGCU and Florida State.

Then there are the heartwarming narratives: No. 7 seed Michigan winning their conference after a terrifying plane crash foremost among them. No. 16 seeds South Dakota St. and Texas Southern feel lucky to be there, along with whoever makes it out of the winners of Providence/USC, Mount St. Mary's/New Orleans, UC Davis/NC Central, and Kansas State University/Wake Forrest. It just feels so good to laugh again.

So pencil up, friends. And get ready for some indecision-based arthritis.