Entertainment

Let William H. Macy Play Every Role in the New College Admissions Scam Show

The college bribery scandal is becoming a miniseries, and there's only one gruff Academy Award-nominated actor suitable for every role.

by River Donaghey; illustrated by Alex Zaragoza
May 8 2019, 3:15pm

Original image by Pat Greenhouse/The Boston Globe via Getty Images. Macy photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images

This week, Annapurna announced that the company has plans to develop the absolutely bonkers college admissions bribery scandal into a presumably just-as-bonkers TV miniseries, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

The series—which is based on the forthcoming book Accepted by Melissa Korn and Jennifer Levitz—will tell the story of Operation Varsity Blues, the FBI investigation that uncovered the widespread scheme for wealthy parents to buy their kids' way into prestigious universities. So far, dozens of parents have been indicted, including William H. Macy's wife, actress Felicity Huffman, and former Full House star Lori Loughlin.

Annapurna says that The People vs. OJ Simpson scribe D.V. DeVincentis is onboard to pen the series, but as of now, there's no network or streaming service attached—and, more importantly, there are no actors involved.

But frankly, it's clear that there's only one objectively correct choice when it comes to finding actors for the project: Just let William H. Macy play every role!

Felicity Huffman

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Original photo by Pat Greenhouse/The Boston Globe via Getty Images. Macy photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images

Macy is a brilliant character actor who has repeatedly proven his chops on both stage and screen. From Seabiscuit to Boogie Nights to his long-running role as the drunken patriarch on Shameless, the man just disappears into whatever role he's given. So it seems only natural that his next role could be portraying his real-life wife at the heart of the admissions scandal.

Macy has been researching the role for years and he didn't even know it—he's been living with Huffman, loving Huffman, absorbing her quirks and movements and verbal patterns. He knows how it feels to share the same space as Huffman. And in the immortal words of seminal Russian acting coach Konstantin Stanislavski, "to know is synonymous with to feel."

Lori Loughlin

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Original photo by Jessica Rinaldi/The Boston Globe via Getty Images. Macy photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images

Macy may not share the same personal investment in the role of Loughlin as he does with Huffman, but still, this is his role. Loughlin recently pleaded not guilty to charges of money laundering conspiracy and mail fraud and is reportedly feeling "more and more confident" that she will escape jail time. She's also apparently hoping that going to trial will help rehabilitate her image and clear her name, a source told People.

An urge to double down dangerously paired with a strange belief that it will all work in her favor? If that sounds at all familiar, it is—Macy portrayed the exact same tricky balance of pathos and unearned confidence in his landmark starring role as Jerry Lundegaard in 1996's Fargo. Perfect.

John Stamos

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Original photo by JB Lacroix/WireImage. Macy photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images

Actually, John Stamos has nothing to do with the whole admissions scam, but he once played Louglin's husband on the classic '90s sitcom Full House and is incredibly good-looking. William H. Macy, as a similarly good-looking man, will also portray him.

Olivia Jade

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Original photo by Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images for Sephora Collection. Macy photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images

But wait, you might say. William H. Macy is an old, mustachioed man with a face that looks like a baseball mitt left out in the rain. How could he possibly portray Loughlin's 19-year-old daughter and Instagram influencer, Olivia Jade?

To that, I turn to the great Stanford Meisner, creator of the acting technique that bears his name: "Courage means willing to risk everything." If a brilliant artist like William H. Macy shied away from the strange or difficult roles, would we ever have something as great as his performance in Mystery Men? Would we ever have his haunting cameo in Inland Empire? Of course not. Macy fears nothing.

This Lawyer or Something Wearing a Green Tie

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Original photo by Pat Greenhouse/The Boston Globe via Getty Images. Macy photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images

Who is this guy? Who knows! Maybe someone on Loughlin's defense team, maybe a plainclothes cop, maybe some well-dressed man who walked through the wrong door and stumbled into a photo op. Whoever he may be, Macy will play him with the same earnest, downtrodden nobility that he brought to private detective Milton Arbogast in the 1998 remake of Psycho.

William H. Macy

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Original photo by Mat Hayward/Getty Images. Dafoe photo by Lars Niki/Getty Images for Museum of Modern Art

What, did you assume William H. Macy can play literally everyone? That is ridiculous. What is this, The Klumps? No, no. What are you thinking? Macy will be too busy with his other myriad roles to trifle with actually playing himself. That role will go to enigmatic Oscar-nominee Willem Dafoe. Obviously.

You're welcome, Annapurna. All we ask in return for this casting help are a few points and a co-producer credit. Oh, and maybe some help getting into USC. Maybe you know someone? Thanks in advance.