This hilarious article was originally published on our sister-site, Motherboard. Check it out here.
Just as the best part of that Playstation 2 Spider-Man game was finally getting to just be Spider-Man—slingin' webs, swingin' from buildings, and occasionally rescuing errant balloons—Farjay Studios is giving you an open world and the chance to finally let you live out your dreams of being a bear.
More realistic than "Metroid," but less familiar than "The Sims," "Bear Simulator" proves that video games have finally caught up with our not-so secret desires to leave being a person with goals and stuff behind for a while and just focus on eating and making messes—which actually sounds a lot like being a person still.
There's a natural progression in video games, from domestic familiarity of "The Sims," to being a pet in "Catlateral Damage," outside to being livestock in "Goat Simulator," to finally the woods, in "Bear Simulator," where you're free of society once and for all.
According to Bear Simulator's Kickstarter:
"The title gives you all you need to know as it's pretty much a bear simulator. You play in FPB (First Person Bear) and do bear things which include exploring, eating fish and plants, striking down anything that dare stand before your might, increasing your stats, sleeping and discovering mysteries of your forest home."
Finally, a game that includes sleeping. Inquiries as to whether the game will also involve crappin' in the woods have not yet been responded to, but I will update as soon as this very important information is obtained.
There will be lots to uncover as you rummage your way through the woods, as the developers promise the game "will be like 30% secret areas and stuff." The preview video also promises that there will be secrets that aren't worth uncovering, as if the being-a-bear part didn't have enough intrigue. You can even get your own human name in the game by donating to the project, or get upgrades to your bear, including a Mystic Bear skin, and chill-ass bear shades.
So here we are on the first day of spring; it's time to let your video-game bear dreams come out of their caves.