"Hair-eth Bale" Custom Cut is the Stuff of Nightmares

Just seen this haircut outside San Siro! pic.twitter.com/be4GkJ0ube
— Phil Kitromilides (@PhilKitro) May 28, 2016

My dear, sweet God. Look at what this man did to himself. And likely for a goodly heap of money, nonetheless. The Champions League Final is today, and people are hyped. But hyped enough to carve an orgasmic ghoul into the back of your head?! That's going too far.

Think about it: whoever cut his hair (maybe his nephew?) was charging him serious bank to get that done. Meanwhile, he's carving it into the back of this dude's head. It's like free money. This dude isn't going to be looking at how bad his haircut is all game—it's not easy to look at the back of your head, for those of you who've tried. I'd be surprised if the barber had the balls to do that hold-up the-mirror-and-spin-you-around thing. Probably just had a bunch of hype men in the 'shop saying "oh yeah, dude. Oh, dude, that looks awesome, dude."

Also, when I first saw this photo, Twitter had truncated the name on the back, such that it looks like it said "Ralf" underneath it.

Not only does the face look like someone whose name would be Ralf, but it is also expressive of onomatopoeic perfection—the kind of vomit sound the image induces. Or the thing that Gareth Bale is doing now: vomiting the word "Ralf" onto some guy's T-shirt.

And that's an important point too. This thing is supposed to look like Gareth Bale. Are we sure about that? There is a slight resemblance. Bale is simian in nature, and as The Score aptly notes, the haircut kind of looks like the Monkey-boy from Jumanji. But seriously, what the fuck?

Think about the poor bastard that has to sit behind this guy all game. Staring at Ralf's heroin-bliss face that is practically asking you to pour beer into its mouth. Make sure to save some beer for yourself, fan behind Hair-eth Bale. You'll need it.

[h/t The Score]