Last year was traumatic for more reasons than I can count, but chief among them was Starbucks’ bullish insistence on terrorizing the American public with confetti-colored eyesores of blended cream-n'-sauce they somehow classified as Frappuccinos. April 2017’s Unicorn Frappuccino was really just the the beginning of what began to feel like an onslaught of epilepsy-inducing drinks invading both Instagram and human esophagi. The Crystal Ball Frappuccino. The Zombie Frappuccino. Too much!
Now, I swear I don’t mean to food-shame. I understand these drinks hold appeal for some. It’s just that they all seem to be derivative of some person’s sick, twisted fantasy of adult humans drinking fairy dust or the pulverized horns of mythical animals.
Thankfully, there are encouraging signs that this deathless, insufferable trend may be slowing. Starbucks Group President, Chief Operating Officer & Director Rosalind Brewer told investors on Thursday that the company would be reducing these limited-time offers by "nearly 30 percent," and a welcome casualty of this cutback will be its limited-edition Frappuccinos.
"Our new approach to marketing will be centered on meaningfully strengthening customer relationships by increasingly targeting our offers to each customer," Brewer told investors. "While we still have unique products such as Crystal Ball Frappuccino, our focus will shift to leveraging platforms with broader appeal."
Brewer went on to explain that Starbucks is rejiggering its Frappuccino strategy based on waning consumer interest in its Frappuccino Happy Hour, a promotion historically confined to the summer.
When reached for comment via email on Monday, Starbucks did not clarify whether this move is indicative of enthusiasm for limited-batch Frappuccinos petering out. It’s anyone's guess whether this has anything to do with slumping sales for these particular limited-edition Frappuccinos.
In any case, this is the best news I’ve heard in quite some time! Though I'd warn that Starbucks reportedly plans to release a new Frappuccino flavor this week, per Brewer's remarks on the call. How many colors will this cup of slime sugar contain?