Have you seen my fuckin' hairdo, man?? Photo Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports
Everyone look at this dude Nate Forbes, on the right, a part owner of the World Champion Cleveland Cavaliers. He is a grey haired older dude, like most rich guys, and he has the goofiest hair I've seen in my life. When he went to his barber, he said, "Hey, I want my haircut to grind against the edge of reality itself, while still seeming like something a GOP Super-PAC benefactor could feasibly wear at a party where we steal medication from sick children."This dude's hair does double duty as a modernist home for mice that made fortunes in the Los Angeles Real Estate market. This hair is from an alternate universe where Ric Flair works at the library.
But it's not too late. Walk into your bathroom. Pick up a razor. Take it ALL OFF. You're a cueball now. You don't give a SHIT anymore. When you embrace bald, you will embrace clarity and purity. You'll walk into a room full of your employees, and instead of looking at your dome and thinking "Damn, there goes Nate, with his snowdrift-ass-looking head of hair," they'll shit their pants in fear at the Heisenberg demon who just drifted into their midst."But Corbin," you might be saying, "I am an abnormally sweaty man and I don't want to get sweat in my eyes. Also, during the winter, my head gets very cold!" Okay Nate, fine. Keep SOME of your hair. But you can still do something rational with this mess. Go to a barber with a backbone, someone who isn't afraid to speak truth to power, who won't indulge your every whim, who has your TRUE best interests at heart. Please. Only you can stop the behind-the-back snickers getting shot at your dome 24/7.
Advertisement
Who is doing this dude Nate Forbes's hair? Does he apply the whole can of pomade himself or did he hire someone else to do it for him? "Hey, Dave get over here and swoop my hair! I have a ring ceremony to get to!" Are there cut up coat hangers in there, giving that fat swoop its superstructure? Does he stick his hand in there when it's cold, all walking down the street with his hand shoved in that giant-ass hair pocket he built on top of his dome? Does he do that?I'd wonder if it was a wig, seeing as Nate is clearly past his hair-peak, but it's too fake looking. It is projecting a level of unreality that can only come from nature, like watching a bird eat a frog on Planet Earth or some shit.How can one man have too much hair and not enough so aggressively at the same time? Is he a more evolved life form than you or I?Nate Forbes, if you're reading this, and I know you are, because no one else is writing about you on the web: I don't like your hair, my dude, and I'm not scared to say it in public with my name on top of the page. You have more money than me, you just got a championship ring on national television, and you get to make Channing Frye have awkward conversations with your teenaged children, but you can't hide from totally, 100 percent legit and warranted hair slander on the web.